Blogging Like I've Never Blogged Before

Monday, May 31, 2004

Well, another Fleet Week has come and gone. In case you are not familiar with Fleet Week, every Memorial Day weekend, hundreds of sailors come to the city in hopes of hooking up with chubby white girls who can't control themselves.

If all of the sailors were actually women, this would be called Slut Week.

So enjoy your herpes, ladies. Who knows from what corner of the globe they came from.

I learned this weekend that the sailors have to be back at their ships by 6 AM. I think next Fleet Week I am going to go to where the ships dock at around 5:30 on Saturday morning to watch what must a great parade: The Fleet Week Walk of Shame Parade. Tons of sailors stumbling back to their bunks with shit eating grins. I will stand there and salute, all the while shouting -- USA! USA! USA!

Cameras roll again in California porn industry

Thank God this national nightmare is over. For if there is no porn, then the terrorists will have won.

You talkin' to me?

I know it's old hat to dis on weathermen, but dude, come on. Despite my 28 years on this lovely planet, I am still shocked at the amount of time local newscasts spend on the weather. Fox 5 is the worst at this, because they've got an hour to kill and you can only spend so much time scaring the public and Solving Problems.

(Quick side note: Did anyone see SNL when they did the Fox 5 thing and Rachel Dratch said, "Coming up at 10, seven kids are molested to death while their teachers bought drugs from your dentist! AGGHGHGHGHGHHGH!" Fucking hilarious.)

Anyway, something that has long overstayed its welcome is the barometer. Who the fuck talks about the barometer. Does anyone really know what it means? I think that if it's dropping, it means the likelihood of rain is greater, or vice versa, but really, who the fuck cares? Have you ever had anyone say to you, "So, that barometer sure is something this week, huh?"

For me, the barometer is as useless as the Lotto numbers, but I know a lot of people play Lotto, so it's something that they should include on newscast. But the barometer has got to go. Give my five day fucking forecast and get your smiling ass off my TV, Sam Champion.

Just tell me if it's going to rain or not, please. I don't want to know about fronts coming from the south, winter blasts coming from the north, or some crazy shit coming out of the east. I just want to know if I should bring a sweater.

So terrorists are planning attacks for the summer. Can't they just go to the beach and complain about the price of gas like the rest of us? Fucking terrorists.

I feel the need to clarify a recent posting of mine. Just so you know, I was not advocating or supporting terrorism. I was merely saying that I can understand if someone decided to choose that path, especially a 12-year-old boy who is already poor and living in a ghetto, who then not only sees that ghetto bulldozed, but also sees friends of his being killed. Chances are, he's not going to stop to think about how to make things better. I was also thinking more of a guy blowing himself up at a checkpoint and going after military targets and not buses or gunning down an innocent mother and her kids. That's fucking sick. So maybe terrorist was the wrong word. But I would join La Resistance!

And what I meant was that Israel has every right and obligation to protect its people, but what they were doing was ridiculous. And for the record, I am not a terrorist.

In other news, I think George Bush should stand up and make a plea to the terrorists. "Don't attack my people. Attack me." I'm not saying this because I don't like the man. I'm saying that as a leader, you should take responsibility for your actions and say, "If you got a problem with my policies, come after me." Or how about "Bring 'em on." Then the terrorists can say, "Oh, it's already been broughten."

If he wants to boost his approval rating, that should do it. Come on. He's a fucking cowboy. He likes to beat his chest and act all tough. That would be the ultimate tough. Don't fuck with my citizens. Fuck with me.


Here is a yearbook photo of George Bush from when he was a seventeen-year-old girl in 1955. He belonged to the Glee Club and one of his hobbies was sock-hopping.

Tom Glavine almost pitched a no-hitter/perfect game. Dangit. Eight inning, some Rockie hit a double. Bastard. The Mets have still never had a no-hitter. I thought it'd be today.

Coincidentally, it was also Military Appreciation Day today at Shea Stadium. The first 1,000 fans got a digital camera and their very own Iraqi prisoner to abuse for the duration of the game. Much more fun than a bobblehead doll.

Helen Hunt must have felt some pressure to take the pressure off of Gwyneth Paltrow naming her baby Apple. Helen just named her kid, Makena' lei Gordon Carnahan.

Top that, pregnant celebrities!

So there are more reports today about abuse at the Abu Ghraib prison. One has the soldiers riding the prisoners like animals, and another that they fondled them. I'm waiting for the reports to come out about the beer funneling and keg stands.

Here are some new subway rules.

Subway Rules

New York Transit proposed a ban yesterday on unauthorized photography,
videotaping, and filming in the city's public transportation systems,
citing security concerns. It also wants tougher rules to keep people
from hopping turnstiles, putting their feet on seats, and riding
between cars on the subway. If passed, these regulations would be the
first new rules of conduct for the city's public transportation in over
a decade. But they must first go through a public comment period, and
the photography ban has already been criticized for violating the first

I would like to see them enforce the feet on the seats rule. "Excuse me Mr. Homeless Smelly Man That Just Took a Shit in Your Pants? Can you please take your feet off the seats? It's unsanitary."

Banning photography! Brilliant. I also saw a story recently about how cops were given tips on how to spot terrorists, and one of the things was something like, "Taking photos of landmarks." Yeah, there's none of that in New York. Those people will totally stand out. Since I have nothing new to say on this subject, I'll refer you to a posting of mine from last May that speaks of Middle Easterners taking pictures.

I saw Nicolas Cage on my lunch break. Or Nic Cage, if you're fucking cool. He is filming a movie on the next block (53rd and Broadway if you're interested).

I've never been the biggest fan of his, especially when he stole the Academy Award from Sean Penn (Leaving Las Vegas over Dead Man Walking), but after seeing him in person, I know why he is famous.

First, and most obvious, he's a Coppola. Second, he's tall. That's it. He's a tall Coppola. If he was 5'10", he would not be famous. Even if he was still a Coppola. He'd be a production assistant somewhere, but he wouldn't be a leading man. So you might say, "What about Jason Schwartzman? He's a Coppola (Cage's cousin) and he's incredibly short." True, but he's a freaky looking kid and he's 5'6". So his shortness was used to his advantage in Rushmore. It just worked, but only for that movie. He'll never be successful in anything else (except for being the drummer in Phantom Planet).

But I must say Nicolas Cage seemed like a really nice guy. He was standing around and meeting a bunch of assholes taking pictures with him. If only I had a camera, I could have been one of those assholes.

But in conclusion, he is famous because of his lineage and height.

And there you have my Hollywood theory for the day. Stay tuned for tomorrow's theory: How Gwyneth Paltrow's naming of her baby was a secret code to tell me that she loves me.

Hey Israel. What the fuck? I mean, seriously, what the fucking fuck?

If I was a Palestinian guy or kid, what choice do I have but to become a terrorist? You can preach nonviolence and negotiations all you want, but when they just start bulldozing your neighborhood and killing kids, what is going to be your fucking reaction? I mean, what the fuck? I'd take any gun, bullet, rock, pebble, piece of dirt I could, and use it to fucking fight. This is insanity. You've got every right to defend yourself, but this? This is fucking terrorism.

This reminds me of the end of the movie Bloody Sunday, where they are holding a press conference and Ivan Cooper says something to the effect of, "You've just given the IRA their greatest victory yet."

So again, I ask, What the fuck?

The other day I was in Virgin Megastore, your one stop shop for entertainment and virgins, and I decided to take a listen to the William Hung album.

It's not quite the same listening to him without seeing his spastic dancing. What I did like were these little "inspirational" messages he has throughout the album. It opens with him saying something like, "If you believe in yourself, you can do anything." Wise words.

People complain that it's not fair that he got famous and it's a sad statement about our culture. Well, to those people I paraphrase Mr. Hung and say, "If you put your mind to it, you could have also accomplished fame. It would also help if you were a bit more Asian and really fucking retarded."

Someone who goes by the moniker of "His Mintiness" emailed me recently with this challenge:

A friend of mine, in the spirit of making us think sexually about both genders, made up a simply premised game called "The end of the world". Given two people, choose the one that you would like to try and repopulate the earth with (key word:try, doesn't matter if you'll succeed). I'll start ya out easy, and work to the more interesting ones.

OK, so whoever this person is, seems to be interested in who I'd prefer to have sex with, whether it be male or female. So I guess I'll give this a try, being that I've got nothing else to talk about today.

Pamela Anderson or Carmen Electra

Well, I personally think that Pamela Anderson is one of the most disgusting looking women on the planet, so this is no contest. She's just too fake. Carmen all the way. She is a bit tainted from that whole Dennis Rodman fiasco, but I guess there's a statute of limitations on that. You are forgiven.

Charlize Theron or Uma Therman

Hmmm. That's a good one. I think I'd have to go with Charlize, but without all that bronzer that she was wearing at the Academy Awards. I like my bitches pasty. Uma definitely moved up a couple of notches since Kill Bill. She got hotter in those movies.

Catherine Zeta-Jones or Reese Witherspoon

I've never been the biggest fan of Reese Witherspoon. And CZJ is damn gorgeous. Reese looks like she has bad breath.

George Clooney or David Schwimmer

Clooney. I'd fuck that guy.

Julia Roberts or Julia Stiles

These are two famous ladies that I never thought were ever really all that hot. Julia Stiles could be any random girl you went to college with. And Julia Roberts' laugh frightens me. But I guess if it was the end of the world, she wouldn't be laughing too much, so I guess it wouldn't be a problem. Advantage: Roberts. But I'll take Cate Blanchett if she's available.

Tina Turner or Cher

Yikes. I guess I'd have to go with Cher because I've seen her recently and she doesn't look so bad for an 80-year-old. Tina Turner has been MIA for a while, so there is no telling what she looks like now.

Al Sharpton or Bea Arthur

Bea Arthur. Not only because she's the woman in this one, but she was hilarious on an episode of Malcolm in the Middle where she played Dewey's babysitter.

Oprah Winfrey or Joy Behar

Oprah. Joy Behar is one of the worst people on television.

Jimmy Fallon or Will Ferrell

Will Ferrell. Funny man. I've realized I'm not even thinking about repopulating the earth anymore. I'm just going with who I like more, and I really don't like Jimmy Fallon.

Martin Lawrence or Will Smith

Will Smith, I suppose. Here is some sample dialogue from when I tell Will Smith that we will have to repopulate:

Me: Hey Will. It looks like we are the only two people left on the planet, so...

Will: So what?

Me: I guess we are going to have to try and repopulate the earth.

Will: What?! We two dudes. Ain't no way.

Me: Well, we should still try. Come on, let's do it.

Will: Aww, hell no!

Have you noticed he says that line in every movie he's in? It's true. It's in his contract.

Nicholas Cage or Bruce Willis


Carrot Top, or the new governor of Utah (we'll call her Miss Olene)

I just had to look up the governor of Utah. I'll go with her. I bet she's a wild one.

Carrot Top or Michael Jackson

Why all the Carrot Top? I think in this situation, faced with either one of these guys, I would try to become inflicted with whatever it was that killed the rest of the planet. Imagine a planet filled with Carrot Tops? Not a pretty picture. A planet of prop comics and Call ATT commercials would easily be the worst civilization ever.

I recently said to a friend that if I had a daughter, I'd name her Apple. This apparently got back to Gwyneth Paltrow and she stole my baby's name. Perhaps I am the father. According to that article, they gave no reason for the "unusual choice". Because it's stolen. Damn.

I also want to name my son Skeletor, so I'll be watching Ms. Paltrow's future baby naming.

I have nothing to say today, so instead I'll post this picture of these adorable polar bears who are probably about to fuck.

Today started off poorly. I woke up later than I should have. I was late for work by a long shot. Not good. I had been good for a long time, but today ruined me. It was like an ex-con breaking parole for some stupid shit. Stupid shit.

But I had a good reason for being out last night. It was Anise's birthday and we were roller skating at the Roxy. I wore the gayest shirt I own. On top of that, you put some roller skates on me, and I'm screaming gayness.

So back to work. Late. Not happy. Somehow this morning the subject of Taco Bell came up. All day we spoke of tacos. Taco Bell makes me happy. But the problem is that there aren't that many in NY. So we got on the web site and found one at 36th and 8th. So Marsha and I contemplated on whether or not we should make the trip. We walked outside for lunch in the hot hot heat. We looked at each other and said, "Should we go?" "Let's flip a coin," said Marsha. A coin was flipped and it told us not to go, based on the fact that it landed tails up.

Fuck you, coin.

So we went to Taco Bell. Took the train down to 34th Street. The Taco Bell was one of those that shares a space with a Dunkin' Donuts. Coffee and tacos. Those are good for the intestines. I can't imagine what their bathroom is like. Just the smell made me want to shit.

Anyway, the tacos were great. Worth the wait. Our lunch ran late. I s'pose it was fate. It was first rate. More Taco Bells are required in this state. My belly did inflate. I like the word spate.

Donald Rumsfeld made a surprise visit to Iraq today. Who is his advisor? This is a terrible photo op!

I can't think of anything new today, so I went to a year ago today, and saw this post. I think it's a good one.

Quote of the Day in this article... Nice and straightforward.

"I don't know how the hell these people got into our army," said Ben Nighthorse Campbell, R-Colo., after viewing the images.

Not only does he not try to make excuses like our fearless leaders, his middle name is Nighthorse. Awesome.

Don't leave me hangin' homey.

Bro, don't leave us hangin'... Come on. Gimme some skin.

Take a look at how fucked up their fingers are. Rumsfeld's middle finger has a wicked curve to it, and Myers' ring finger looks like it has another finger trying to grow out of it. They must have some serious thumb wrestling competitions during down time at the Pentagon.

The NY Post is basically advocating genocide in their editorial this morning. This is based on the beheading of Nick Berg. Not only do they tell us to "Forget Abu Ghraib", but they recommend that it's time to step up the war and "not stop until every last one of the savage thugs is dead."

(Begin sarcastic tone)

Well, why is no one in the New York Post heading the Department of Defense? Why didn't anyone else think of this? Get rid of the bad guys! That is all we have to do. Just find the savage thugs. They can't be too hard to find, since they all wear masks. Anyone with a mask should be killed.

Thank you, New York Post, for dumbing it down so well. And we all know that nothing puts an end to violence like more violence. It's a sure-fire way to make sure these things never happen again. Just ask Israel.

(End sarcastic tone)

I have my own ideas on how to deal with the Middle East. Let's get the fuck out and let them all kill each other. I propose that all maps just lump together the Middle East and we'll call it HateLand, or CrazyMotherfuckistan.

We are obviously not good at being the Whites in Shining Armor like we promised. Let's get out, let them start from the beginning and see what happens. Take all of the money being invested in Iraq, funnel it into intelligence, so we notice when 20 Middle Eastern men are taking lessons at a flight school, but don't want to take off or land, or something to that effect. Whatever money is left over should go into a huge backyard barbecue at the White House for the entire country on the Fourth of July, where we will sip Bacardi like it's our berfday.

Damn Mexicans. First, they take all of our good jobs, like sweeping things, now they are finding our UFO's... Those are our UFOs!


I'm trying to see what things are like here with a comments section, but fucking Blogger isn't working right. (Translation: I'm an idiot and can't figure this shit out.) So you might see some weird shit all up in this shit.

Instead of saying, "That girl is a slut," people should say, "That girl has an aggressive pelvis."

It just sounds nicer.

Aaahhh, spring time in Central Park. Children laughing, the sun shining, people playing softball, the distant sound of someone yelling, "You a pussy, nigga."

I actually heard that the other day, along with the birds and everything else. But it really was a distant sound, so it was almost kind of pleasant. It wasn't directed at me, so that was nice. It was apparently directed at a friend of this kid, who I guess was some sort of nigga that was kind of a pussy.

Kids these days. On Friday, my softball team was waiting for a Little League (or maybe high school) game to end before we could play our game. One team put together a hell of a rally in the last inning. Before this, though, they were playing like shit. Striking out a lot. I'm guessing they were all about 14-years-old.

Now, when I was a kid playing Little League, if you threw your helmet or bat after being called out, you'd be tossed from the game by the umpire or your coach would bench you.

Apparently, there is a new rule that says you must throw your helmet, your bat, and don't forget to curse. I was shocked by these kids. They were the rudest, most obnoxious bunch of pieces of shit I've ever seen. But no one said anything. Not even the ump. He must be used to it.

Anyway, I think the team was about to tie the game, but they had a guy get thrown out at home on a very close play, which was the third out. I don't know if he was safe or not, but their entire bench charged the umpire, surrounded him, pointing in his face, berating him, yelling that it was a bad call.


I feared for this guy's life. And I thought, Where in the hell is the coach of this team to control these shitbags? I couldn't find him. As we were moving stuff onto the bench and they were leaving, I saw him. He was cleaning the bench and packing all of the stuff. He was doing everything. And he was this little doughy mid 20-year-old white guy (most of the players were Hispanic). He looked like Chip from Kate & Allie. Remember how lame that kid was? I think this was actually him. He looked so scared. These kids probably abuse him and give him no respect whatsoever.

I blame it on Manny Ramirez.

To quote the "snooty" maitre'd in Ferris Bueller's Day Off, "I weep for the future."

In honor of Mother's Day, I'd like to take a moment and recognize my mom.

Thanks, mom, for always being there for me.

I didn't watch Friends last night because I was at the Mets game, which from what I can tell, had a better ending than Friends. Mike Piazza hit a home run in the bottom of the 11th and Bonds went 0 for 3. Suck on that, Chandler!

I think I spoke recently about how Friends has sucked this year and last. I honestly didn't watch all that much this year, but what I saw was pretty awful. I still think Joey is funny, but I can already smell the shit emanating from his spin-off.

Someone recently asked me what was going on with Friends, and here was my answer:

"I haven't watched much this season. I saw the one where Phoebe got married, but that's all. It sucked. Chandler and Monica can't have kids so they are adopting. That's all I know. Oh, and Ross got HIV from a monkey."

Now that would have been a good spin-off.

There are certain headlines that appear on Yahoo that often intrigue me further, even though I might have no interest in the topic. This is not one of them:

Researchers study structure of moose nose

Yesterday, Donald Rumsfeld called the prison abuse "totally un-American." I think the abuse is quite American.

We've had cops rape prisoners with plungers, high school football players shove pine cones up the asses of freshmen, female high school seniors beating up and smearing shit on underclassmen, numerous incidents of college hazing. You might say, "Well, those are high school and college kids." Well, many soldiers are college-age kids that are just out of high school. Here is another fine example of humiliation from this past week.

Humiliation is a big part of our culture, especially in a law enforcement setting. Imagine all of the prisoner abuse that either goes unreported or ignored.

I'm just saying that while the pictures from Iraq are disgusting and shocking (at first), it's not really all that surprising. What is surprising is the stupidity of the soldiers that were sending the pictures to each other via email. But along with humiliation, stupidity is another prevalent trait of this fine country.

So yesterday I got into JFK (the airport, not the former president) at 5:30 AM. I couldn't sleep on the plane for reasons explained in my haiku from yesterday's post. I then went straight to work. I sat and stared at my computer for 4 hours. The other four hours? I don't know what it was. It wasn't staring. It was perhaps an unfocused, hallucinating gaze. There were moments where I was trying to focus, but all I could see was double. I got home, fell asleep for more than twelve hours, felt great, woke up, went to work at a later hour than normal. So I worked late. Now I can't fall asleep. Vicious cycle.

So I figured I'd do a little catching up and answer some three questions from people that I have been ignoring, mainly because I couldn't think of anything interesting to say. But I just took a sleeping pill, so this might be amusing.

The first questions come from a gal named Cindy.

1. When during the day are you the happiest?

Well, that's a good question. I think it is probably random. There are times I really enjoy waking up. Today, I had rare time to kill before work, so I was pleased as punch to sit and have time. I'm usually just showering and running out the door. But as far as morning happiness goes, that's rare. I also like early evening, especially if I'm going out. I like not knowing if I'll end up puking in an alley. And there are times where I'm happiest in dreams. I believe that the dreams I have are often more exciting than my actual life. I once had a dream where I had a kid and I was really happy about it (I didn't actually have it... there was a mother somewhere). But when I woke up I had this weird euphoric feeling. Then I realized I didn't have a kid and I was actually pretty bummed. So I guess the lesson is here that I want a kid. Email me, ladies!

2. What are the next three DVDs in your Netflix queue?

I sure have been slacking on Netflix. I think my love affair is coming to an end. I have the first season of Chappelle's Show next. The three after that are Intolerable Cruelty, The Pink Panther, and Witness for the Prosecution.

3. If you had to go through life with only two of your five senses, which ones would you choose?

Wow. Tough one. I'd have to keep touch. I just remembered that sight and hearing are very useful. Damn. But to lose touch? I think I could handle not having taste and smell. Until I accidentally drink a gallon of old milk and die. But at least I won't know why I died. I'm having a hard time letting go of touch. So that means sight or hearing will be gone. I think I'd have to get rid of hearing. It might be nice. I wouldn't have to listen to people's shit all day. I can just read it on their blogs. I'll miss music. But I'll just be like Tim Robbins in Shawshank and point to my head and heart when people ask me about missing music and I'll say, "It's in here. And here."

The next three are from a fella named Chris.

1) If you were a hermaphrodite, would you be in porn?

Either that, or Jaime Lee Curtis' stunt double.

2) If you were forced to be in a boy band which one would it be?

The Beach Boys or the Beatles. If I had to pick a current gay boy band, I guess I'd go with ... I don't know. And technically, "boy band" is inaccurate for those such as NSync or the Backstreet Boys. "Boy group" would be more accurate. Blink 182 is a Boy Band. I guess I'll go with New Kids on the Block, because my fame would be over now and I could just live in a cabin somewhere.

3) If you were a chick for one day what would you do?

I don't know, but I'd definitely ask for directions!!! Get it? Women are idiots! Of course I joke. I guess this would all depend on what kind of chick I was. Am I hot? Am I ugly? Fat? Skinny? Shy? Outgoing? Slutty? It would be kind of fun to go to a bar and see guys hit on me. That way, I can learn how pathetic I am and work on my skills. So there's your answer: I'd try to be a better man. I think that is the perfect answer. Is it not? I'm sure I'll just end up making out with a bunch of hot lesbians.

And finally, here are three questions from a gal named Rosemary, who was one of the first strangers to email me and say she liked to read my blog. To her, I am grateful.

1)Who would you thank in the liner notes of your CD?

Mom, dad, Christina, Laurie, Sam (best cat ever), my Grandma for teaching me that old people can be damn witty, my Grampa for teaching me that being quiet isn't necessarily a bad thing and that I should say "So long" to people and not "goodbye". And then there are many amazing friends and random people along the way that I couldn't possibly start to list here, but they know who they are (except for you, Rick).

2)You own a summer camp. What is its name, where is it located and what kinds of activities do you have?

It's called Camp Parents Are Idiots (although the parents think it's called Camp Obedience), it's located somewhere in Vermont, and we do a lot of canoeing. We also sing good songs, not silly camp songs. I'll get them to sing Beatles songs. Wouldn't it be great to get a bunch of kids singing "Nowhere Man"?

3)Will you be tuning in for the new season of The Simple Life, the "reality" show starring Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie?

I suppose I will be. I watched a lot of the last one, and even though it kind of made me depressed that little girls will try to emulate those two, it's still entertaining as all heck.

Thank you to all for your questions. Now, if you'll excuse me, the Whacking Day episode of the Simpsons is on.

Good day. I have been Missing. I was in jail for a couple of days. No, just kidding. I was on the run from the cops because I killed a nun. No, that's a lie. I'm working on a secret mission to assassinate William Hung. Also a lie. Seriously, my zipper was stuck. A lie, but I wanted to put a Summer School reference somewhere on this blog. For some reason, I know that movie too well.

The truth to my absence is that I was on vacation in San Francisco for a few days. It was for a surprise party which is why I didn't mention it on the blog. Turns out the guy we were surprising hasn't even been reading. What an asshole!

Anyway, I'm incredibly tired. Here is a haiku about my trip back:

Jammed on the Red-Eye.
Center seat, baby crying.
Someone please kill me.
All material © Mike Toole; 2003 - 2006