Blogging Like I've Never Blogged Before

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

I have a problem with my morning television viewing. The Price Is Right and Cash Cab are on at the same time. It is a dilemma, but I make the most of it.

Just now on Cash Cab, these chicks were one block from their destination, had two strikes, had to answer one question correctly, or they would walk away with nothing. Now, I am going to give you the first half of the question, because I don't remember the second part of the question. But no matter. All you will need to hear is the first part of the question, and you will get it right. Unless you are one of the two dummies who were just in the back of the Cash Cab. Here is the question:

What three horned breed of dinosaur...?

OK, you got it right? Now be honest, how many of you said "Triceratops"? OK, now how many of you said "trioptasaurus"?

I apologize if I am spelling that incorrectly, but it's difficult to spell because it's not a fucking word.

The best was that these girls looked at each other and seemed to agree that they knew it. Oh, well, at first, one of the girls said, Triannosaurus Rex." If only they had my seven-year-old nephew with them, they would have won some cash.

The best part is that when the answer was revealed, instead of being like, "Oh, my gosh, duh!" they both acted as if they had never heard of a Triceratops. One even said, "Oh, I would have never gotten that."

Meanwhile, on The Price Is Right...

They seem to be slowly catching up to the fact that college students watch their show, and the advertising is starting to skew that way. Yes, they still have the ads for the old person scooters and Wilford Brimley is still pissed off at diabetes, but today that ad for Heineken showed up. The one where the chick sings "Don't you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?" I am pretty sure that isn't directed to the old folk home.

There is also a Barker's Beauty that is apparently named Fire. Is this American Gladiators or a strip club? I would love to hear Rod Roddy in his best strip club DJ voice say, "Hey guys, now on the main stage is Fire... And she's got the next item up for bids, if you know what I'm sayin'... It's a washer and dryer! Um, if you know what I'm saying."

I miss Rod Roddy.

Anyway, I need to get TiVo so I never have to miss Wilford Brimley say the word "diabetes" like no one else has ever said it. DIE-A-BEAT-US. Say it fast.

Oh, speaking of interesting advertising, the other day I was watching The Learning Channel. And what was I learning about? Well, it was a show called Sports Disasters. I learned on this channel that sometimes when people ski, they get caught in avalanches, and sometimes when people are in cars that go 200 miles per hour, the car can crash and go on fire, and sometimes when stunt men try to jump over lots of cars while driving another car, they don't always make it and can break ribs and such.

Anyway, as I was learning all of this on The Learning Channel, they were like, "Coming up, a skier takes a life threatening plunge. Plus, a speed boat race takes a turn for the worse. And then, this jockey get the motherfucking shit trampled out of him." Then, and I am not kidding here, they say with a way too happy sounding voice over, "Sports Disasters is brought to you by Little Debbie snack cakes."

Mmmm, that bone crushing skydiving accident is making me hungry for an Oatmeal Creme Pie. I don't know what it is about a parachute not opening, but it always wakes up my sweet tooth.

I just got a haircut and I noticed a lot more grey hairs on the cape. Damn you, job!

As I have talked about before, I hate getting my hair cut. Today's cutter wasn't a talker, so I was happy about that. She just asked the usual questions and I mumbled the usual, "Not too short, mumble mumble mumbly joe, don't fuck it up, please."

She did a fine job. I might even go back. I am like a one night stand for hair cutters. I rarely go to the same person twice. I used to go to this chick in Florida that I liked. Her place was named Clip and Dale's. It had no ties to Disney and no one there was named Dale or Clip and no sexy men shoved their junk in my face. And this lady was a nut. She was a talker, but she could cut a good head. I once cut my hair when I was drunk, then went to her a couple of days later to fix it up, told her I cut my own hair, and she told me I did a good job. So I thought for a minute I'd open up a drunk barber shop.

Anyway, today's chick at the end of my clipping asked how I would like the back. You know, the hairline at the neck. My choices are straight across or rounded, I think. I always go with straight across. Today I almost said, "Can you write 'fuck' in it? Or if you are uncomfortable with that, can you carve out two donkeys making love beneath a sunset? Or just straight across, if that's easiest." But I didn't say that. I said, "Straight across."

Oh, haircuts, how I love you so.

You know what else I love? Cash Cab. What a great fucking show. I want to be in that damn cab so bad.

Hi there. What's new? Really? Yes, I think you should see a doctor about that.

So what's going on with me? Well, my lady moved up from DC, so that's awesome. Now we are getting used to going from long distance to being in the same apartment. It's an adjustment.

But we've got things worked out pretty well. We have a very understanding and trusting relationship. For example, since Tania doesn't like sushi, I am allowed to have a sushi girlfriend. And since I hate old people, Tania is allowed to volunteer in the kitchen of an old folk home once a week. It's fair.

I would like for my sushi girlfriend to be Alison from Project Runway.

Hm. What else? What are the chances I can watch a Saints game this year where the commentators don't spend half the game talking about how much the Saints mean to New Orleans? You know what else would probably mean a lot to many people in New Orleans? Maybe a home or clean drinking water, but hey, football is good too.

I recently watched that Beastie Boys movie, "Awesome, I Fuckin' Shot That." It was kind of an annoying movie to watch, but OK to listen to. Anyway, it got me listening to the Beastie Boys again. I go through a phase once every year or so. I wrote two years ago about some crappy lyrics from MCA. I recently discovered one more. There is this line in the song Oh Word? where he says, "I'll steal your keys and then I'll check your mail."

You are going to go out of your way to steal my keys, and then all you are going to do is check my mail? It would be really awesome if that actually did happen.

Dude, weirdest thing happened to me last week.


Well, you know MCA from the Beastie Boys?


He stole my keys.

Your keys? Like, to your house?

Yeah, and my car keys.

No shit.

I know, right? But check this out. I don't think he stole anything. I am pretty sure all he did was check my mail.

Oh, word?

Word. I mean, how weird is that? He even sorted it out, you know, like junk mail in one pile, bills in the other and he even made a little Netflix pile.

I brought this up to my friend Mike about how lame that was. He mentioned how it would be very helpful of MCA to help him out like that. So I came up with some other things MCA could rap about after he steals my keys.

I'll steal your keys, and then I'll water your plants.

I'll steal your keys, and I'll change your motherfuckin' kitty litter.

I'll steal your keys, and I'll leave a light on in your living room to discourage burglars.

Oh, word?

I have nothing else for you. I will try to be a better blogger.

About two weeks ago I went to meet up with some friends at a bar. I was about an hour later to the bar than I had planned on being.

At some point in the evening, Luis (who you might remember as the guy who remembered the thing I did not remember at my company holiday party) pointed someone out at the bar. I forget who it was or why. But I happened to notice this chick at the bar who was wearing this silver, sort of futuristic looking dress. Futuristic by what people in the 1950s thought would be futuristic. You know, all silver. It looked like tin foil. So here was the conversation I then had with Luis:

Me: What the hell is that chick wearing? She looks like a baked potato.

Luis: Uh, someone's been watching a little too much Project Runway.

Me: Actually, that was the reason I was late tonight.

Luis: You homo!

Me: Dude, it's a good show! It is one of the really good reality shows out there.

Luis: Actually. I watch it, too.

Me: You fag!

Someone got to my blog today by searching "how to get a co-worker to stop gum popping." Then someone else got here by searching "i like to ejaculate into a woman's mouth."

Problem solved! I am sure that if searcher number one does search number two, and explains that it was done because of the gum popping, this will happen no more.

If this isn't a case of "Your chocolate is in my peanut butter," then I don't know what is. Although it doesn't really work the other way around, but whatever.

Toole dot blogspot dot com -- solving all the world's problems via the Google search engine.

OK, just saw this commercial for a new show on CBS called "The Class." I don't know if The White Stripes sold them the rights to "We're Going To Be Friends" or not, but if they didn't, it's time to sue. I can't find a link to it, but if you see the ad and you listen to The White Stripes, you will know.

And if they did actually license the song... seriously? To a CBS show? How lame.

Partly cloudy. Hazy. Hot. Humid with highs around 101. West winds 10 to 15 mph. Heat index values up to 112 this afternoon.

They forgot to mention the 100% chance of swamp ass.
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