Blogging Like I've Never Blogged Before

Friday, October 31, 2003

Halloween, while kind of fun as a kid, was never as much fun as it should have been for me. For, the biggest tragedy of my childhood was that I was allergic to chocolate. I was also allergic to peanut butter. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups were my kryptonite.

So I'd get home with my pillow case full of candy and search through it for all of the stuff I couldn't eat. So I'd "trade" it for my sister's candy. They'd give me all of their shitty candy, like Bit-O-Honeys. A Kit Kat for a Bit-O Honey? Hardly seems fair. Then my dad would come in, take any other chocolate candy I have, eat in front of me, say something like, "Oh man, this chocolate is so fucking good. Here's a Snickers wrapper for you to sniff, you sick, pansy-ass freak."

I am happy to report, though, that I have outgrown my allergies and I can now eat chocolate and peanut butter with reckless abandon. So after work, I'm going to mosey on down to the children's hospital, find some kids who are allergic to chocolate, and eat a bag of Hershey's Bits right in front of them. That'll make me feel better about my tragic, tragic childhood.

I am dressed up for Halloween today as a Guy Who Didn't Take a Shower This Morning, Because He Doesn't Have Hot Water, Due to a Gas Leak in the Basement, Plus He Was Out Drinking Last Night, so He Smells Like a Drunk. And Oh Yeah, He's Gassy (Which is Unrelated to the Gas Leak in the Basement).

I should probably win some costume contests.

So yes, no hot water. Sucks. Now I know exactly how the Iraqis feel. Except for that whole Living Under a Murderous Regime thing. Other than that, though, I'm an Iraqi. My hot water had to be turned off because the utility folks found a gas leak. That might explain why I've been very dizzy lately. My landlord felt very bad about the whole thing. He just bought the apartment from my old landlord and he's had nothing but problems. Apparently my old landlord sucked. So I'll take having no hot water for a day or two in exchange for not dying in my sleep. Lucky thing they found it, because if I died, my mom would have been pissed.

The landlord and the plumber were in my kitchen last night and they must have said the word "chimney" at least 47 times, except they kept saying "chim-i-ney". It was very amusing. It was the kind of thing Saturday Night Live sketches are made out of. I don't know where to go from there, but two guys with thick Brooklyn accents saying "chim-i-ney" numerous times is amusing.

Last night I walked by a church, and on their little board outside that normally lists church events, or perhaps a word or two from the bible, it had a quote from Jay Leno. I'm not a Leno fan, but the quote was actually kind of clever. It said, "The US is putting together a constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It's served us well for over two hundred years, and besides, we're not using it anymore."

I'm not sure when he said that, but it's uncharacteristic for Leno. He doesn't seem to usually take too many swipes at this great land of ours -- at least political swipes. And especially those that go against what conservative America thinks. Not just things like, "Bush said a word wrong." Once again, it's a comedian saying the most honest things about what's going on in the world. I'm sure he followed it up with some lame bit with Dancing Osamas or something, but hey, kudos to you Jay Leno.

I saw a survey yesterday that said 30% of people still think that we found weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Something tells me these are the people that switch over to Access Hollywood as soon as the Nightly News comes on.

I'm sick of talking about this crap. I'm sick of talking right now.

I can't think of anything to write anymore. If you have any suggestions, please let me know. I'm bored.

Kobe Bryant accused Shaq of coming back from the off season overweight. I guess Shaq was too busy eating, instead of following Kobe's lead of raping people. Nothing like a good rape to keep you all fit and ready to lead your team to a championship.

Kobe got a standing ovation at last night's Laker game. I hope that when the time comes, after I've cheated on my wife and raped a girl, I get a standing ovation at my place of business.

I'm at work. Here is something I just heard on the way to the bathroom:

"Do you think we can hire someone who only has one finger?"

In case you are feeling down, here are some suicide notes you can use:

-- Had a real bad headache. Later.
-- Hi David. Can you please tape "Scrubs" for me tonight? Thanks. Love Mom.
-- I'm in the attic.

I am getting a ton of hits because people are searching Pudge Rodriquez and Ugueth Urbina kissing. Here is the original post for you people:

If you watched the first game of the World Series Saturday night, you saw Marlins catcher Pudge Rodriguez, and their closer, Ugueth Urbina, kiss each other on the cheek at the end of the game. That's not something you see very often in baseball, but if you think about it, it's just an extension of the patting on the butt. It's no big deal. What was disturbing was that post game interview with Derek Jeter where he was teabagging David Wells. I think that's just over the line.

In the interest of keeping some of you new readers, read this.

I had a dream about two weeks ago that I went over Niagara Falls and lived. Then this dude goes and does it. Weird. I am just going to start documenting any dreams I have that are somewhat eventful, just to have them in writing.

The other night I had a dream that Sheryl Crow died. Just putting that out there.

As an aside, I now want to try to go over the Falls. I've always loved Niagara Falls and I've loved the idea of going over them. If this guy can do it, surely I can. I will plan a trip for next summer. You can all come with me. We can take turns driving. You should pitch in for gas.

What can I talk about today?

Hmph. I'm bored.

I was once told that I use the word "vagina" too often on this blog. Apparently the ladies don't like that word. Well, here is one more story with that word.

I was either in 10th or 11th grade and I was in a sex ed. class. I was taking a test, which I think was a fill-in-the-blank test, and one of the questions was "The inner lining on the wall of the uterus is called the _______."

For the life of me, I couldn't remember. I had studied and this was the only question I couldn't get. I knew the body of a lady more than most ladies, except for that one darn question. Then I thought of what I consider to be one of the funniest thing I ever thought of (keep in mind, I was approximately 15 years old). For my answer, I wrote, "The Great Wall of Vagina."

Brilliant! I thought. I couldn't wait to get my test back to see what Mr. McCray, my teacher would say about that.

He was a stereotypical gym teacher. Had the mustache, the shorts, the obnoxious attitude, and was never seen without his clipboard and whistle. Despite all that, even he must acknowledge the stroke of genius I had just put down for question 12.

I got the test back, and much to my chagrin, all it had was an "X" next to it to indicate that it was wrong. You humorless bastard! Not even a "Funny!" or a "Cute, but wrong." Just a plain old "X".

I made sure that I showed everyone in my class just so someone could appreciate it.

About a year ago I was flipping by Comedy Central and they were showing The Man Show. I was only on it for a split second, but I heard Jimmy Kimmel say, "The Great Wall of Vagina." I was devastated. Obviously, someone in that class now writes for The Man Show. Fuckers. Stealing my jokes.

Anyway, that will be my final vagina-related story. At least for today.

David Blaine ended his stunt. Maybe I was wrong about this guy. I thought all he was doing was starving himself in a box, but somehow in the process he transformed into the American Taliban kid. Yowzers! Now, that's magic!

If you watched the first game of the World Series Saturday night, you saw Marlins catcher Pudge Rodriguez, and their closer, Ugueth Urbina, kiss each other on the cheek at the end of the game. That's not something you see very often in baseball, but if you think about it, it's just an extension of the patting on the butt. It's no big deal. What was disturbing was that post game interview with Derek Jeter where he was teabagging David Wells. I think that's just over the line.

I never thought that my ferry driving experience would make me feel like an authority on a breaking news story. I was watching NY1 (for you out-of-towners, that's the local all-news station) when they busted in with their awesome breaking news graphic. The letters practically jump at you with intensity. It was like watching a 3D movie. You say to yourself, "This shit is about to break - big time!"

I didn't expect it to be any real big news. Breaking News lately qualifies as just about anything. "There is maaajor traffic on the FDR. Stick with New York 1 and we will keep you posted as details become available."

So when I saw that it was the Staten Island ferry, I immediately thought of my days back in Disney World when I drove a ferry boat. Also known as the best job I ever had. I drove a boat that was based on the design of the Staten Island ferries. They were much smaller, but we still could carry almost 1,000 people.

I was listening to the reporters, all trying to speculate and come up with the reason why it crashed. They were all talking about how it might have been the wind that had something to do with it. Then they finally showed some footage from the scene and all of the wreckage, and I knew when I saw it that there was no way that damage could have been caused by wind.

But the reporters still went on with the wind angle. One reporter actually interviewed another NY1 reporter because he used to ride the ferry a lot. It was a pretty useless interview. It's like if after a plane crash a reporter said, "OK, on the line we have 7 year-old Katie. She said she doesn't know her last name. Anyway, she just flew back from a vacation with her family from Florida. Katie, can you tell us what the plane was like?"

So I was very tempted to call up NY1 and offer my ferry boat captain expertise. But then I thought about it and I shied away, basically because I feared they would make fun of me.

Reporter: OK, on the phone we have Mike Toole. He used to drive a ferry boat at Disney World. Disney World? (aside to producer) Is that right? This is the best we could get? OK. Anyway, Mike, how was the boat you drove similar to the Staten Island ferries?

Me: Well, the boats we drove were actually based on the original design of the Staten --

Reporter: I'm sorry, but don't those boats ride on a track?

Me: Um, no actually, they were all free-floating vessels. The area where I drove the boats was one of the few in the entire park where they weren't on tracks. Anyway, as I was saying, the design was based on the original Staten Island ferries, and they still use the same design in the boats today, so while the boats I drove were smaller, they are basically the same.

Reporter: Except for the fact that the ones you drove were on a track, right?

Me: No, I just told you that they were not.

Reporter: Really?

Me: Yeah, I just said that.

Reporter: I guess I wasn't listening. I was picturing that scene from Fantasia with all the water. You know, where Mickey Mouse is waving it all around with his hands.

Me: Yes, I am familiar with that movie.

Reporter: So I'm like picturing you driving the boat, but you look like Mickey Mouse. It's a pretty funny visual.

Me: Shouldn't we focus on what's going on here? This is pretty serious.

Reporter: Oh, yeah. Sure, sure. So tell, me Disney Boy, what's your brilliant theory on all this?

Me: Well, I just wanted to say, that after I saw pictures of the damage, while wind may have played a part in it, there is no way that it was only the wind that was the major cause. I'm sure that there have been windier days than this, and there has never been anything close to this kind of damage.

Reporter: Uh-huh. Let me ask you a question. Did you have to wear some kind of funny costume? Like Mickey Mouse ears or anything?

Me: No. Well, we did have this kind of captain costume, you know with a hat and a striped shirt, but nothing crazy. Some people had much worse costumes. But I don't think that's the point here.

Reporter: Oh man, that's hilarious. Did you have an eye patch or a parrot or something like that.

Me: No, we weren't pirates. Anyway, back to the ferry accident.

Reporter: Oh yeah. You were saying some crap about wind or something. Which, you really can't comment on with any authority, being that your boat was on a track.

Me: IT WAS NOT ON A TRACK! I really drove this boat, dammit! We had a lot of responsibility. there was a very good chance we could have crashed as well. In fact, there have been accidents in the past where people were injured.

Reporter: Sure thing, Cap'n.

Me: Anyway, the thing with the wind, while you do have to use more speed when you are docking on windy day like today, it shouldn't be going a speed that could cause this kind of damage. My guess here would be something happened to the pilot, or it was something mechanical that prevented him from stopping. But if that was the case, he probably would have realized there was a problem and turned the boat before it got closer to the slip.

Reporter: What's a slip?

Me: It's where the ferry docks. It's what you guys keep calling a "slot".

Reporter: I like slot better. Slips are what my grandma wears.

Me: OK. Look, I'm going to go. I thought I could help you out here, but obviously --

Reporter: No, no wait! How did you get this job? Did you have connections? Like, was your dad frat brothers with Donald Duck or something like that?

Me: Bye bye. I'm going to go call NBC and help them.

Reporter: OK, well that was Mike O'Toole, who used to drive a boat in Disney World. Obviously, we really shouldn't pay much attention to what he said, because we all know that those boats down there are on tracks. Anyway, now for your Weather on the 1's. Right after the break, we are going to talk to a man who was once on a cruise ship, and his daughter, whose favorite movie is Pirates of the Caribbean.

Ugh. I'm feeling like shit. Here is a transcript of the majority of my conversations over the last three days:


Someone else: Bless you.

Me: Thank you.

SE: You sound like shit.

Me: I know.

SE: You look like shit too.

Me: That hurts. I'm very sensitive right now.

SE: Whatever, dick. Suck it up.

I know you are probably sick of me talking about baseball, so I'll divert. I will now talk about football. Not so much the sport, but because of one incident that is perhaps one of the stupidest things to ever happen to a professional player.

A punter for the Jacksonville Jaguars accidentally gashed his leg with an ax while chopping wood. So you might say, "Well, I guess he was doing something at his house, perhaps getting ready to make a fire." You'd be wrong. The ax and the wood were in the players' locker room. It was being used as a motivational tool by their coach. Since the team sucks, the coach used the slogan "Keep choppin' wood" which somehow translates to "Don't give up."

So anyway, the coach got an actual ax and some wood for the players to literally chop. If there's one thing this guy must hate, it's a metaphor that can only be taken figuratively.

So the punter decides to go chop some wood, he misses, hits his leg, and now he is probably out for the season. If you are a punter, you have the easiest job in the world. You make a ridiculous amount of money to kick a ball about 5 times a game. You rarely get hit and you rarely get blamed for a loss. My advice to a punter would be, "Don't chop wood. Ever. Don't do anything that will put your legs in danger. In fact, buy yourself a wheelchair and use it throughout the week."

I'm not sure who is more stupid. The coach for doing this, or the punter for thinking it was a good idea. My guess is that the punter was just so bored, he decided to see if he could chop through a log. Despite it being an easy job, it is probably incredibly boring, so any kind of diversion is probably pretty sweet.

Believe it or not, there are plenty of other motivational tools like this that were even more unsuccessful. There was the 1962 Mets whose pitchers adopted the motivational slogan "Keep jugglin' knives." There was also the 1987 Moroccan National soccer team, who after 5 consecutive losses stood behind their rallying cry of "Keep kickin' bowling balls really hard." And who could forget when Penn State's archery coach told his players to "Keep chuggin' whiskey before you show up to practice."

The biggest tragedy of all time though, was probably when the Polish Olympic swim team used the motivational slogan of "Keep tyin' cinder blocks 'round your ankles before you go swimmin'."

This Polish joke has been brought to you by Obvious Jokeski's Kielbasa.

Obvious Jokeski's Kielbasa -- When you know what's coming!

Not to turn this into an all-sports-all-the-time blog, but the Yankees-Red Sox fiasco is perhaps one of the most entertaining thing to happen in sports in quite some time. I hesitate to use the word "sports" being that mostly everything surrounding this has very little to do with sports, and more to do with men who act like children (no, wait - that's an insult to children. Sorry kids). These guys were acting more like professional athletes. It's a shame that when someone actually is a classy athlete these days, they receive so much praise, basically for being a good person. Anyway, on to discussing the New York CanDoNoWrongs Vs. the Boston Retards.

Right after I saw Don Zimmer rolling on the ground after being tossed by Pedro Martinez, I said to my friend Dennis, "I can no longer root for the Red Sox. Now I have to root for the Yankees." But then I saw that it was Zimmer who charged Pedro and retracted that statement. OK, Pedro was defending himself. Sure, you can say he was a little overzealous in his defense, but if I saw that little white and blue cannonball chugging towards me like that, I probably would have done the same thing.

And if Pedro didn't do anything, instead of saying, "How can you do that to a 72 year old man!!?!?!", Yankee fans would be saying, "Pedro is a pussy! He didn't stand up to a 72 year old man!!!" And there would be some people crying ageism. I'm sorry, but Don Zimmer has as much of a right to be thrown to the ground just like anyone else who charges at someone on a baseball field.

And is Pedro Martinez a coward for throwing at Karim Garcia? Sure. Just like Roger Clemens has done time and time again. But when he does it, the common Yankee response is "Hey, that's just baseball and Roger being Roger." The only big difference is that Clemens usually does it to guys who hit well off of him. Pedro just does it to anyone he feels like.

And who the fuck is Karim Garcia? Take your base, asshole.

Plus, how on earth did the rest of the Yankees not go after Pedro once they realized it was Zimmer, not David Wells, who was thrown to the ground? If anyone messed with my grandpa, I'd go after them. Although, it's unlikely my grandfather would be messed with, considering he is 90-something. He is, however, smarter than Don Zimmer. You think Joe Torre has started calling nursing homes to put Zimmer in? He is obviously kind of losing it if he thinks he can successfully fight a 32 year old athlete.

I loved Manny Ramirez talking smack to Clemens after that pitch was pretty high and inside by about an inch. He was so tough in pointing his bat. Once again, Manny proves he is an idiot.

Ted Williams must be rolling over in his frozen cryogenic chamber.

It takes a pretty special bunch of players to almost make me want to root for the Yankees. Almost. Not quite. But if anyone on the Red Sox beats up an old lady or a baby or a puppy or Siegfried or my mom at any one of the upcoming games, I will be forced to root for the Yankees.

Anyway, all of these guys are a bunch of whiny bitches. Neither team deserves to be in the World Series. I should win the World Series. I'm sick of people chanting 1975 at me. That was the last time I won the World Series. I beat the Cincinnati Reds in 6 games.

Yesterday I pissed off some Red Sox fans, and today I will piss off Yankee fans.

Let me make one thing clear -- Above all, I hate the Yankees the most. More than any other team in any other sport. The Yankees are at the top.

Is some of it jealousy? Of course. If they sucked, what's to hate? You never hear anyone say, "Oh man, do I hate those Tampa Bay Devil Rays!" Plus, as a Mets fan, it becomes natural to hate them. A Colorado Rockies fan might be jealous of them, but the same kind of hatred doesn't go along with it.

My grandmother always said, "Hate is a strong word." True, grandma. So let me explain the level at which I hated the Yankees two years ago, because it has since changed.

I've never liked the Yankees. When I was growing up, they weren't nearly as good as they have been for the last eight years. In fact, when I was a kid, the Mets were usually better. But you still didn't like the Yankees. It's just a rule. You can't really like both. In elementary school, they were known as the Skankees. What clever kids we were. When the Yankees started winning in the mid-90's, that's when the jealousy started to set in. I suppose it was always more resentment than it was hatred.

That all changed in 2001.

The Yankees were playing the Arizona Diamondbacks in the World Series. This was soon after September 11, so everyone was all about New York. A couple of days after the 11th, when people started talking about sports again, I said, "Hell yes. I will root for the Yankees, because it will be great for New York." But then a couple of days after that, I was like, "Fuck that. I can't stand the fucking Yankees." And what about America? Everyone else was hurting too, so the people in Arizona could have also benefited from winning.

By the way, this has nothing to do with payroll and the fact that they throw insane sums of money at everyone, because the Mets are just as guilty. Only we throw it at guys who are 4 years past their prime.

So game 5 of the Series, I am with some friends, who happen to be Yankee fans, at a bar. I was wearing my Mets hat. It is Halloween. I was on my way to the bathroom (I pee a lot), when this guy said to me, "Oh, Mets fan, huh?" I said, "Yeah, it's my Halloween costume." He thought I was serious, so I told him I was joking, at which he laughed and said, "Oh that's funny." We went on our merry way. I to pee, he to return to his pals.

Yankee fans will remember this as the game where Tino Martinez hit a homerun in the bottom of the ninth to tie the game. It was a great moment. I sat there amazed, because the bar went nuts, and it was pretty awesome. Despite how much I wanted them to lose, I had to admire that moment and of course, I was pretty jealous that I couldn't really partake in the jumping and the hooting that was going on. As I was sitting there taking it all in, minding my own business, that guy comes up to me, gets right in my face, extends his middle finger and says, "Fuck YOU, Mets fan!" He turns away from me and back to his friends to say things like "Woo" and "Yes" or "Yeah."

This fucking asshole sought me out from the other side of the bar, came all the way over through a maze of people who were all happy and celebrating, just to give me the finger. All because I wore a Mets hat. I wore this hat, not to agitate, but to show that I am still proud to be a Mets fan and probably because I didn't feel like doing my hair (which involves a tiny dab of gel and running my hands through it quickly, but also requires my hair to be wet beforehand, which it probably wasn't, because I didn't feel the need to take a shower and then go sit in a smoky bar with a bunch of other guys who don't have girlfriends, or if they do have girlfriends, the girlfriends are there with their Yankee fan boyfriends, the girlfriends pretending to like baseball, or pretending to know a lot about baseball, or not giving a shit and talking to other non-shit giving girlfriends, so I knew that I wouldn't be meeting any girls, hence no reason to dress to impress, or to take a shower and wet my head, which as I explained earlier, is necessary for when I do my hair).

So after this dipshit offered me his finger, I have never rooted so hard against the Yankees. But why take it out on the Yankees? you ask. As I explained in the post about the Red Sawx, this guy ruined it for the rest of the class. Of course, the Yankees won that night, and the next in similar dramatic fashion. But surprisingly, they lost Games 6 and 7 and they lost it for New York. Except for the Mets fans. They lost it for the Mets fans. Them losing made us happy.

People said to me, "Why wouldn't you root for the Yankees? It would be so good for New York." Yes, but only the Yankee fans. Which would mean that finger giving dick would be happy. I was a happy New Yorker (although I lived in New Jersey, but close enough. Let's not argue about geography.)

I was at this same bar the night the Yankees lost that World Series. I was so excited. It was full of depressed Yankee fans who all would have been happy to cut off their testicles, O.D. on some phenobarbital and jump on the Hale Bopp Comet. I had to go run outside and jump up and down. I didn't want to rub it in, and more importantly, I didn't want to get my ass kicked.

So there is my reason for hating the Yankees. But more than I hate them, I hate that one guy. So when they lose this post-season, I look forward to leaning back on my bar stool, picturing that guy from Halloween 2001, and thinking to myself, Fuck you, Yankees fan.

This is for the people of Boston. I think two people in the area read this, so here you are.

I really want to root for the Red Sox. I really do. But I can't. After watching Manny Ramirez and Derek Lowe act like the spoiled brats they are the other night, I just can't bring myself to root for their team.

I will root for them to beat the Yankees, so there can be a Red Sox - Cubs World Series, but my heart won't be behind the Sox.

For those who missed it the other night, Manny Ramirez hit a huge home run against the A's. Instead of running to first like a good boy should, he walked halfway down to first, smugly admiring his home run, then pointing at the players in his dugout. It was the most immature, selfish celebration this side of Barry Bonds.

But OK. I'll forgive that, I thought to myself. I still have a lot of friends in Boston, and I'd like to see them win for once.

Then Derek Lowe came on to save the game in the ninth, and he threw two absolutely perfect and unhittable pitches that basically won the game for the Sox. On strike three of the third out, he started celebrating, pumping his fist -- like a good boy should. But then he looked at the A's dugout and did a variation of the "Suck it" celebration move made popular by pro wrestling. He looked right into their dugout and gestured towards his crotch. Nice.

Therefore, I can not and will not root for the Red Sox if they get to the World Series.

There was a moment I had that I thought I would forget these displays of poor sportsmanship and cheer for them, because of Johnny Damon. I've always liked that guy, and it was horrible to see him get the shit knocked out of him in center field. Pull for the injured guy who plays his ass off, I thought.


Lowe apologized after the game, saying he was caught in the moment and didn't realize what he did. Bullplop. He looked right into the dugout and did it. Ramirez was interviewed right after the game and the first thing he said was something like, "I just wanted to say he pitched a great game." I'm guessing that during the game someone went up to Manny and told him to say that, because the commentators were killing him for it. Some quick PR. I am looking forward to next year when Zito puts a fastball into Manny's ear.

You know how in elementary school when one kid would do something bad, then the teacher would punish the whole class? "This isn't fair!" the rest of us would protest. Well, Manny and Derek ruined it for the rest of the class.

It's one thing to celebrate. It's another to make a point of it to humiliate the people you are beating. I don't get that. Isn't winning enough? Isn't it enough to take pride in your accomplishments? Why try to make the loser feel worse than they already do?

Here is a story about why I am awesome:

Back in 2000, when the Mets were playing the Yankees in the World Series, I was watching one of the games at a bar. I was sitting there with a friend and there was a pretty intense moment late in the game. My Mets were in some trouble and desperately needed a double play to end a threat. I was also in some trouble, because I had to pee really bad, so I also needed this double play.

Lo and behold, Paul O'Neill hits a ground ball and it becomes apparent that this is a tailor made double play. My bladder shifts into second gear as I know the inning is about to come to an end. The double play is easily turned and I jump off my bar stool, do a little fist pump, and say "Yes!" to myself. I strolled to the bathroom feeling pretty good about my Mets (who, as usual, would go on to lose).

My bladder now empty, I started to walk back to the bar when I heard this guy sitting at a table say "Hey! Hey, buddy." I walk over to him, not having any idea what to expect (Maybe he wanted me to be in a porno?). Here was our conversation:

Guy: That was really cool.

Me: What?

Guy: What you just did - that was cool.

Me: Taking a piss? That was cool?

Guy: The way you just pumped your fist. It was cool that you didn't act like a jackass and rub it in. I can tell you're a real fan. I hate the way most fans act.

Me: Oh, um, thanks.

I think that might have been my favorite compliment ever. If I ever became a Little League coach, I'd always stress good sportsmanship before anything else. With the exception of Derek Jeter and George Steinbrenner, I don't really like to see people lose. (There is one other guy who I love to see lose. This guy is the reason I loathe the Yankees. Perhaps I will post that story tomorrow.)

Of course I love winning and I can be very competitive, and I can be a bitch when I lose. I think I actually lost some sleep when my company softball team was eliminated from the playoffs.

Anyway, because of Manny Ramirez and Derek Lowe, I will be rooting for the Cubs. Sure Sammy Sosa corked his bat, and he's probably done more steroids than Jesus, but he seems like a nice enough guy.

Sorry Boston. I want you to lose because of two bad sports. For right now, Chicago is my kind of town.

I just picture everyone in California right now walking around looking around, kind of feeling ashamed for what they just did. It's like they woke up from a hangover and now realized they all hooked up with each other the night before. Just looking at each other with nervous laughter and nervous eyes, saying, "Heh heh heh, What were we thinking?"

Well California, your big day is here. You media hogs. You and your dumb state will most likely have a dumb new governor by the end of today. What will Jay Leno talk about for 20 minutes every night? The horror! Bring back the Dancing Itos!

I'm convinced that people who protest Schwarzenegger are just people that have nothing better to do. They are bitching about 16 women he supposedly groped back in the 70's. Big deal. I groped 16 women this weekend. Besides, the guy is in the entertainment industry, so if groping is all he's done, consider yourself lucky. Arnold should really just play this up for how ridiculous it is. "I am going to grope this budget the same way I groped actresses 20 years ago. I will grab this budgets buttocks and tell it she looks nice. But in this case, I will take the budget home and work on it all night. It's not a tumor!"

Speaking of retarded celebrities, Cuba Gooding Jr. has a new movie coming out where he plays a retarded football player. It kind of looks like the Waterboy, except this one looks a lot funnier, although it's a drama. It's one of those "Hey, look at what this retard can do, and you can't" kind of movies. You are supposed to walk out of it feeling all great about humanity, but more importantly yourself. You think, Hey, if this tard can play football that well, then surely I must have some hidden talents that I can use. These movies try to draw out your inner retard.

I want to see a movie where a retarded guy becomes president. That'd be awesome. All he wants to do is go to Six Flags and make up crazy holidays. June 8 would become National Ice Cream Day. Every Saturday would be known as Take Me to the Circus Day. Our new national anthem would simply be titled "Cupcakes!" We would bomb countries based on sketchy information. We would have bumper stickers with the picture of our president accidentally crushing a rabbit that say, "We've got retard strength!" The rabbit would of course symbolize weak countries, such as Canada.

We should totally elect someone who is retarded. I mean, moreso than what we already have.

If you are like me, you have been thinking to yourself lately, There just aren't enough tiger related stories in the news anymore. Well, luckily for you and me, this weekend was plentiful with tiger news.

This guy in NYC got busted for having a tiger in his apartment. This guy's brother said something like, "He raised a healthy tiger. They should find him a job with animals." Well, I know of an opening in Vegas. Maybe he should send an application. You never know. They can rename the show, "Siegfried and that guy from Harlem. You know, the guy who had the tiger in his apartment for like, seven years. Well, he took over for Roy. He got mauled. So now it's Siegfried and that guy from Harlem." That would be a great name for a show.

Now this tiger is on his way to Ohio. Ugh. That poor tiger. He's going to be so pissed going from New York to Ohio. Sure, the quality of life might be better, the rent is cheaper, but come on. Being a single tiger in New York has got to be pretty sweet.

So you have this story, the Seigfried and Roy story, and Tony the Tiger was involved in a murder/suicide with the Trix rabbit.

According to the Siegfried & Roy official web site, they consider themselves Masters of the Impossible. If you call getting mauled by a tiger Impossible, well then mister, consider me a Master. I could get mauled by a tiger so easily. I'd be so good at it.

Honestly, though, we here at toole.blogspot all wish Roy a speedy recovery.

Does this mean Siegfried is back on the market? Fathers, lock up your sons!

That is terrible. I'm sorry. I hope Roy is OK. One thing I've always wanted to do before I die is see a show where two gay German dudes do a bunch of shit with white tigers. I also want to go skydiving. But not necessarily with two gay German guys. I'd go with them, but it's not a prerequisite. The tiger show, though, must be done by German gay guys. Two of them. No more, no less.

By the way, the Onion published an article last week before the mauling, which was supposed to be written by Roy. Kind of weird. They have since removed it from their site. The Onion has a heart.

Every once in a while I think of something that would have been perfect to say in a previous post, but it's always too late. I hate that. Well, I thought of something I think is funny in reference to Holocaust movies where everyone speaks in a different dialect. So here is an addition to my post from Oct. 2.

I would like to see a Holocaust movie made where everyone speaks with Canadian accents. "That Hitler is a hoser, eh."

OK, maybe that wasn't worth it.

Yeah, I had a bag of Dipsy Doodles for breakfast. So what? You think you're better than me? Get off my back.

If there is one thing I've learned from watching movies over the years, it's that the Nazis were a bunch of dicks.

I watched The Pianist yesterday. Good enough movie. Nothing really new. Every Nazi movie can probably cut out the first hour, because all it does is set up the "Nazis were assholes" sentiment. Every movie seems to have at least three scenes where a Nazi soldier will just kill some girl or a baby for no reason. But then there is a nice German somewhere along the way that tries to make you feel bad for some of the Germans.

I think it takes a special kind of person to make a shitty movie about the Holocaust. And that special person is Robin Williams in Jakob the Liar. If you make a movie about that era, you've already got your setting and your overall mood for the story. That's half the battle.

I also love in these movies how everyone speaks. In The Pianist, for example, all of the Polish people speak English with a British accent, but they do have signs that are written in Polish. There were a couple of old Jewish guys waiting to be carted off on the train who spoke like Jackie Mason. The Germans do speak German. They don't know English. Stupid Germans. And every once in a while, Adrien Brody would speak with an Irish accent, then a New York accent, sometimes an Eastern European accent, then a combination of all. No wonder he won Best Actor. He can do so many impressions! He's like Dana Carvey. I bet his Ross Perot is kick-ass.
All material © Mike Toole; 2003 - 2006