Blogging Like I've Never Blogged Before

Tuesday, October 07, 2003

Well California, your big day is here. You media hogs. You and your dumb state will most likely have a dumb new governor by the end of today. What will Jay Leno talk about for 20 minutes every night? The horror! Bring back the Dancing Itos!

I'm convinced that people who protest Schwarzenegger are just people that have nothing better to do. They are bitching about 16 women he supposedly groped back in the 70's. Big deal. I groped 16 women this weekend. Besides, the guy is in the entertainment industry, so if groping is all he's done, consider yourself lucky. Arnold should really just play this up for how ridiculous it is. "I am going to grope this budget the same way I groped actresses 20 years ago. I will grab this budgets buttocks and tell it she looks nice. But in this case, I will take the budget home and work on it all night. It's not a tumor!"

Speaking of retarded celebrities, Cuba Gooding Jr. has a new movie coming out where he plays a retarded football player. It kind of looks like the Waterboy, except this one looks a lot funnier, although it's a drama. It's one of those "Hey, look at what this retard can do, and you can't" kind of movies. You are supposed to walk out of it feeling all great about humanity, but more importantly yourself. You think, Hey, if this tard can play football that well, then surely I must have some hidden talents that I can use. These movies try to draw out your inner retard.

I want to see a movie where a retarded guy becomes president. That'd be awesome. All he wants to do is go to Six Flags and make up crazy holidays. June 8 would become National Ice Cream Day. Every Saturday would be known as Take Me to the Circus Day. Our new national anthem would simply be titled "Cupcakes!" We would bomb countries based on sketchy information. We would have bumper stickers with the picture of our president accidentally crushing a rabbit that say, "We've got retard strength!" The rabbit would of course symbolize weak countries, such as Canada.

We should totally elect someone who is retarded. I mean, moreso than what we already have.
All material © Mike Toole; 2003 - 2006