Blogging Like I've Never Blogged Before

Monday, February 27, 2006

This weekend I said something I am pretty sure I will never say again. I woke up on Sunday morning and said to my lady, Tania, "Sorry for head butting you last night."

I know domestic violence isn't "in," so I need to explain. I was sleeping. I must have had a dream about doing something with my head. Maybe playing soccer or perhaps I thought I was the Dynamite Kid. This wasn't some sort of barely bump you in the head headbutt. I lifted my head from my pillow and gave Tania a middle of the night headbutt. I woke up from my dream and realized what I just did, and Tania said something like, "Mph." I said, "Sorry. She said, "It's OK" and she rolled over and went back to sleep.

I just laid there for a few moments wondering why I just did this. I couldn't remember my dream, but knew I was thrusting my noggin. I also started wondering when else in my life I could put a headbutt on my gal and not suffer any repercussions. Like, say we are at a nice restaurant eating dinner and I just reach across the table with my head and headbutt her.

Anyway, not much more to say. I've just been laughing about this for a while now. I headbutted someone in my sleep. That's funny.

Further reading.

Hi. I am surprised this Firewall movie isn't doing better. I was just talking to some people about how I really wanted to see a movie with Harrison Ford that was about online banking.

I curse a lot, which you may or may not know. But sometimes I curse when I'm like, "Why did I curse right there?" Today at work, I said, "Does anyone know what time the fucking post office opens?" I've got no gripe with the post office. I don't know why I said that.

Anyway, I'm fucking tired and need to get my ass to motherfucking bed, bitches. That's all I got for you.

So Sarah, the gal who dubbed me Lady Toole, has "tagged" me. For those of you not in the know, being tagged means someone wants you to participate in this thing called a meme. I think that means "me me." Like, this is all about me. I think. I don't know. I didn't know what LOL meant for quite a long time, so I might be wrong.

Anyway, this next post is all about me. Me.

Four jobs Iíve had:

Cab driver. I'm not sure if I ever mentioned that here on this blog. But yeah, I used to drive a cab in and around Middletown, NJ. I was young and I needed the money.

Token guy at Chuck E. Cheese. Yeah, another great job. I was like a king. I had tokens that I could give out to little kids at will. I was supposed to give them out when a kid would lose a token or if the games wouldn't work. But I used my own judgment. If I saw a kid getting made fun of by another kid, I'd give that loser kid some tokens. Or if I saw a kid who was really bad at Skeeball, I'd give them a few extra tokens. You need to be a good Skeeballer growing up in NJ, so I tried to help out the bad kids. I was like the Robin Hood of Chuck E. Chese.

Parking guy at Garden State Arts Center. My favorite day was when my co-worker Chris, threw a parking cone at a car full of Phish fans.

Drove a ferry boat at Disney World. Best job I ever had.

Four Movies I can watch over and over:

Groundhog Day. I like to say a prayer and drink to world peace.

Three Amigos. So I just wait here then?

Shawshank Redemption.


Four Places Iíve Lived:

Middletown, NJ. My homeland.

Brooklyn, NY. In Williamsburg. Hipsterland.

Lake Buena Vista, FL. If you knew where to go each night, you never had to spend more than $1 on a beer.

Glassboro, NJ. Where I went to college. From my dorm room, I could see a huge water tower, which said GLASSBORO on it. But at the angle I could read, it said, "ASSBORO."

Four TV shows I love:


Arrested Development

The Sopranos

Mr. Show

Four places Iíve vacationed:

Lake Tahoe

Telluride, Colorado

Whistler, British Columbia

Tennesee. I've been to Dollywood, motherfuckers.

Four of my favorite dishes:

I really like food. I can't think of four of my favorite dishes right now. I will tell you that the Kitchen Cafe in Jersey City makes the best burger I've ever tasted. It's the Cajun Burger. So if you are ever vacationing in Jersey City, go there.

Four sites I visit daily:

Unguent. He's a fine blogger, a nice fella, and he's got a shitload of cool links that I would never know of.

And then it's a bunch of boring shit that you don't really care about. Like Netflix, The New York Times, and The Onion.

Four places I would rather be right now:

Drinking in San Francisco.

Skiing in Telluride.

Somewhere I've never been and doing something.

Talking with God about politics and whatnot.

Four bloggers Iím tagging:

I'm going to tag four bloggers that have already done this. Why? Because I don't want to read anymore of these, so I am trying to kill the chain.

Bill (He also tagged me, saying I was too cool to do this. Well, screw you William J!
Um, I don't know anyone else who has done this. So I will tag myself.

When I was leaving work today, I think I saw this dude I went to high school with. My only memory of him was walking out of the cafeteria after this huge food fight and he was covered in ketchup. Actually, it may have been catsup. Either way, the poor guy was doused. He wasn't a very popular guy, nor was I, but I was way more popular. There were at least 17 people between he and I on the popular scale. Anyway, he had nothing to do with the food fight, but probably got the worst of it.

Hey, the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue just arrived in my mailbox. There are a bunch of naked chicks holding their own boobs on the cover. That's nice of them. Also, at the top of the page, it says "Heidi Klum Wearing Just Paint". You have to go inside to see that, so I did.

I don't understand the paint thing. OK, so they are naked, but painted on? So still naked, but you really can't tell. I hate paint. It smells and it usually involves lots of work. And all they do is paint bikinis on her. Why not just put her in the bikinis? I think that would be sexier than imagining some dude standing there with a scraper after the photo shoot is over, chiseling the paint off her crack. Well, wait, of course that would be sexier. What I mean is it just seems uncomfortable and unsanitary to have paint so close to your lady orifices.

So my advice to you is this: Put Heidi Klum in sexy bathing suits. It will save you time and trouble.

I've only skimmed the issue so far, but here are some quick thoughts.

Maria Sharapova is not hot. Sure, for a tennis player, she's like a goddess, but she doesn't look very good in here. She has no curves and they put heroin addict eye makeup on her.

My favorite lady so far is Daniella Sarahyba. She's purty. And Marisa Miller. They win.

This is a really annoying issue because it is stuffed with ads. I know that isn't abnormal, but there are way too many of those huge pull-out or pop-up ads.

That's all I got. Oh, and Rick Reilly wrote a decent piece on Petra Nemcova, the model that had her pelvis shattered in the tsunami. She also has some photos in here and her pelvis is all back together.

So my brother-in-law called me a pussy for not wanting to go skiing this weekend. It is supposed to be about 15 degrees and windy. I told him that I am not a pussy, it's just that I am very sensitive. You know, sensitive like a lady's vagina.

The last time I went skiing when it was bitterly cold they had people at the top of the lifts checking you for frostbite. I was not having fun, but skiing because I paid for it. At one point, the frostbite checker says, "You have the beginning signs of frostbite. You should go in." That was all I needed to hear. I skied straight to the lodge and sat in front of the fireplace and warmed my vagina.

I had McDonald's yesterday for the first time in a very long time. Probably about a year. I got a Big Mac. And I hadn't heard, but they apparently now make their Big Macs out of cancer.

My God. My stomach was wrecked. It actually still is.

But it was all worth it when I said to the dude at McDonald's in my best Steve Martin doing the Pink Panther impression, "I would like to buy a hamburger. Derburger!"

Anyway. What is going on? How are you?

Ever since I have started working on the overnight at my job, I've noticed that I smell a lot more. My body odor is bad. I don't know why it has gotten so bad. Maybe I am just noticing because I am just sitting there by myself and stewing in my juices. There aren't as many other people's juices around to interfere.

Well, anyway, haven't had much to blog about. The Vice President shot a man. That's pretty funny. Not so much for the guy that got shot, but for the rest of us, it's quite hilarious.

I've got nothing else.

Hey, it is time to add the word "blog" to your spell check.

For an old dude, Bob Barker has still got his wits about him. This lady just spun the big wheel, and she sticks her fat head into Bob's microphone and yells, "Can I say hi to my husband Carlo?" And Bob says, "You did."

He makes me laugh.

One time I saw this Family Circus cartoon where Jeffy was dressed up like Jesus on the cross for Halloween and it enraged me so much, I rioted for an extended period of time.

Oh, awesome, this guy just got called down on The Price Is Right, so he is the first to bid. He bid one dollar. Well played, young man!

Not only did I not realize this was apparently a Leap Year, the good people at Welsh Farms have informed me that it is an EXTREME Leap Year.

Man, that was not a good Super Bowl. Everything was bad. The National Anthem, the game, and the Rolling Stones??? Holy God. And the commercials were not very good.

But there are two things that I can't get over, both of which I covered in the below post. But I will still talk more about them now.

First, is the Seattle Seahawks coming out to Bittersweet Symphony. I mean, that doomed them right there. You are Seattle. Why not Hendrix? A little Purple Haze, maybe? Your uniforms are kind of purplish. Or how about Nirvana? Pearl Jam? Temple of the Dog?

OK, not Temple of the Dog. But something other than Bittersweet Symphony. Don't get me wrong. I like the song. I have the album. It's great as a first song on a mix tape or a decent ringtone, but not to come out to for the Super Bowl. Maybe it actually was a mix tape. I could see Matt Hasselbeck being like, "OK, play the first song on side two." Then when he heard Bittersweet Symphony, he was like, "No! That's side one! I said side two! You are supposed to play Hey Ya!"

They would have won if they came out to Hey Ya!

And the other thing is this Joe Montana deal. The gist: Montana didn't participate in the pregame ceremony with the other MVP's, because the NFL wouldn't give him $100,000.

There are three moments in sports that will guarantee giving me chills. Here they are, in no particular order.

1. Jesse Orosco throwing his glove in the air after throwing strike three in Game 7 of the World Series.
2. Seeing Mark Messier holding the Stanley Cup with the most uncontrollable smile ever to be seen on a grown man.
3. Joe Montana throwing the touchdown to John Taylor.

Well, Mr. Montana, I am taking my chills away from you. I don't know who I am going to give them to, but you don't get them anymore. So if I ever see that footage again, and I get chills, I will attribute them to something else. Oh, I know what! From now on, if I should get chills while seeing that touchdown, I will think of that video of the monkey picking his butt and then falling out of the tree.

OK, so here is my new list of sports* moments that give me chills.

1. Jesse Orosco throwing his glove in the air after throwing strike three in Game 7 of the World Series.
2. Seeing Mark Messier holding the Stanley Cup with the most uncontrollable smile ever to be seen on a grown man.
3. You know that video of the monkey picking his butt and then he falls out of the tree, all dramatically? That gives me the chills every time.

* If snowboarding and the skeleton can be Olympic sports, then a monkey picking his butt should at least be one of those non-medal sports.

Bill Belichick was just on ABC's pregame show and he said something to the effect of, "Whoever plays the best today and makes the least mistakes will win the game."

Wowza! That is some brilliant analysis.

ESPN2 has been having a marathon of Super Bowl highlights, those half hour highlight shows of each Super Bowl. The Onion AV Club recently did a cool little piece on the twelve best. Or, the XII best.

So they were showing these all night while I was awake, but since it was like 4 in the morning, they were showing the worst games. I don't care how much dramatic music you put in, or how much deep voiced narrative you give to it, the Ravens vs. the Giants was one of the most boring games of all time.

Now they are showing the Rams vs. Titans. Great game, the second half at least. I love Steve McNair. Totally underrated. I also love Dick Vermeil saying, with absolute disbelief, to two of his defensive lineman as they voluntarily came out of the game, "You want out of the game with 26 seconds to go?! You want out of the game with 26 seconds to go?!"

OK, so now I am watching the pregame show on ABC. Were the former MVP's being forced to be there? They all looked like they didn't want to be there. And where the hell was Joe Montana??

Hmph. So I just Googled "joe montana mvp." Here is what I got.

According to a source familiar with Montana's situation, the former three-time MVP asked that he be guaranteed $100,000 in appearance money during his time at the Super Bowl. The league could not accommodate that request, so Montana declined to be in attendance.

Well, childhood hero of mine. You are an asshole.

They just introduced the Seahawks. I think there are 14 Seattle fans there. Um, why are they coming out to Bittersweet Symphony?

Aaron Neville!!! Stop doing that!!! Oh my God, that is awful. Take it Aretha. Holy shit, this is bad. They should just replay the Whitney Houston national anthem before all Super Bowls. Then they should show the scene from Being Bobby Brown where he talks about picking a doody out of her butt.

I am going to watch the game now. Maybe I will randomly post during the game.

Shit man. It is 6:00 in the morning on Superest Bowly Sunday, and I can't sleep. Effin A!

So far I've watched The Magnificent Seven, which was worth three Netflix stars. Then I watched the Making of documentary, and it wasn't that great. Where was the Charles Bronson interview?? Nothing. It's kind of funny, because at the end of the documentary, they begin to show pictures of the Magnificent Seven. First is Yul Brenner and beneath it says, "Yul Brenner died in 1985 of cancer." Then they show a picture of Steve McQueen and it says, "Steve McQueen died of cancer in 1980." Then they show Bronson and it says, "Charles Bronson made the Death Wish movies."

Uh, OK. So Yul's and Steve's only other contribution to the film industry was dying of cancer? Kudos to you, boys! Or were they trying to equivocate Charles Bronson's filmography to cancer? I dunno, but it was amusing to me at 4 in the morning.

Anyway, I watched an episode of Elimidate, which is just so horribly awful. The people on that show are really the worst people ever. If I ever have a daughter who goes on that show, I am going to somehow spackel her hoo-ha beforehand. And if I have a son who goes on the show, I will give him a high five.

So I am now flipping around the channels, and I see that the Playboy Channel has a show on called Girls of McDonald's. I figure it must mean something more, so I hit the info button, and sure enough...


I mean, really? Does McD's endorse this? And I have been to plenty of McDonald's restaurants in my lifetime, and I never was like, "I wonder what that chick looks like naked." Then someone would be like, "Which one? The fat manager with the ketchup stain on her boob?" And I'd be like, "No, the retarded chick who just stuck her hand in the deep fryer." And then my friend would be like, "Yeah, she's dope." And I'd be all, "Word."

So yeah, that never happened. I was tempted to spend the $9.95 to order the Playboy show, but the time has expired. Now on is The Senoritas of Taco Bell. Not really. It's actually Playboy's Girls of Mardi Gras. Makes more sense.

Oh sweet. Galaxy Quest is on. If you have avoided this movie because it looks stupid and Tim Allen's in it, I advise you to get off your high horse and rent it. Funny movie. Alan Rickman is great. When has he not been great? Sam Rockwell is also very funny. After you watch it, get back on your high horse and never rent another Tim Allen movie.

Oh hey, if you'd like to join my notifylist over there on the left, it is now working, so sign your shit up and get more email!!!!!!

I think I am going to try and sleep now. Good day to you. Go Steelers.

Holy crap, it's sixty degrees outside. Melt, you polar ice caps, melt! If this is winter, I'll gladly take six more weeks. Thanks, groundhog.

When I was in Chicago back in May, it was a chilly day, and the cab driver on the way to the airport kept saying, "I don't see this global warming. They keep saying it, I don't see it." You hear that egghead scientists?? It was around 55 degrees in May in Chicago. Global warming is off!

This cab driver also gave me his card, even though he knew I was going back home to NY. Just in case, I guess. Maybe I'd be back in Chicago in twenty years, need a cab, then be like, "Wait, I know a guy!"

I didn't realize how warm it was outside today because I didn't go outside until very late. I was watching Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. This is not a good movie. It's really bad, actually. I barely remembered it from when I was a kid. I remembered mostly the monkey brains and the heart being ripped out. And the little Asian kid from the Goonies. He is the Jar Jar Binks of the Indiana Jones series.

And Kate Capshaw, I don't know what she is. More annoying than Jar Jar Binks and the Goonies kid combined. Iiindyyyy!!! Ugh. Shut up. I totally would have let her go into the lava.

And now for the reason you are all here!!! My 72nd annual Super Bowl picks!!!!

Coin toss winner: Seahawks with a choice of heads. It's so fucking obvious.

Best commercial: The Budweiser frogs talking on the phone to each other going "WAAZZAAAPPP???!?!" Oh man, that'd be hilarious.

Best hair: Troy Polamalu. My friend Rick once told me that Troy's pubes are similar to the hair on his head, and when he is dressed in his underwear, his pubes hang out the same way his hair hangs from his helmet.

Best noggin on an ESPN analyst: John Clayton.

Oh man, what a nerd.

Winner of the game: Steelers 24 - Seahawks 13.

Have a good weekend. And don't forget to remind your friends while you watch the game to imagine Polamalu running around with his pubes hanging out the back of his underwear.

You know how after Christmas you think of things you should have asked for? A week after Christmas, I thought of a bunch of shit I needed, but all I can think of now is a Chip Clip. I really need a fucking Chip Clip.
All material © Mike Toole; 2003 - 2006