When I was leaving work today, I think I saw this dude I went to high school with. My only memory of him was walking out of the cafeteria after this huge food fight and he was covered in ketchup. Actually, it may have been catsup. Either way, the poor guy was doused. He wasn't a very popular guy, nor was I, but I was way more popular. There were at least 17 people between he and I on the popular scale. Anyway, he had nothing to do with the food fight, but probably got the worst of it.

Hey, the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue just arrived in my mailbox. There are a bunch of naked chicks holding their own boobs on the cover. That's nice of them. Also, at the top of the page, it says "Heidi Klum Wearing Just Paint". You have to go inside to see that, so I did.

I don't understand the paint thing. OK, so they are naked, but painted on? So still naked, but you really can't tell. I hate paint. It smells and it usually involves lots of work. And all they do is paint bikinis on her. Why not just put her in the bikinis? I think that would be sexier than imagining some dude standing there with a scraper after the photo shoot is over, chiseling the paint off her crack. Well, wait, of course that would be sexier. What I mean is it just seems uncomfortable and unsanitary to have paint so close to your lady orifices.

So my advice to you is this: Put Heidi Klum in sexy bathing suits. It will save you time and trouble.

I've only skimmed the issue so far, but here are some quick thoughts.

Maria Sharapova is not hot. Sure, for a tennis player, she's like a goddess, but she doesn't look very good in here. She has no curves and they put heroin addict eye makeup on her.

My favorite lady so far is Daniella Sarahyba. She's purty. And Marisa Miller. They win.

This is a really annoying issue because it is stuffed with ads. I know that isn't abnormal, but there are way too many of those huge pull-out or pop-up ads.

That's all I got. Oh, and Rick Reilly wrote a decent piece on Petra Nemcova, the model that had her pelvis shattered in the tsunami. She also has some photos in here and her pelvis is all back together.

So my brother-in-law called me a pussy for not wanting to go skiing this weekend. It is supposed to be about 15 degrees and windy. I told him that I am not a pussy, it's just that I am very sensitive. You know, sensitive like a lady's vagina.

The last time I went skiing when it was bitterly cold they had people at the top of the lifts checking you for frostbite. I was not having fun, but skiing because I paid for it. At one point, the frostbite checker says, "You have the beginning signs of frostbite. You should go in." That was all I needed to hear. I skied straight to the lodge and sat in front of the fireplace and warmed my vagina.