Blogging Like I've Never Blogged Before

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Some douche on SportsCenter just said, "I think Edgerrin James will have a huge impact on the Cardinals, especially on the running game."

Ooh, let me try one!

I think this cloud with rain falling out of it that is coming this way will have a huge impact on us, especially in the getting water on us department.

Hey God, you busy?

Of course I am. I am God.

Yeah, I know. Dumb question. Can you just come here for one sec?

What is it?

Can you bless this horse real quick?

A horse?

Yeah. His name is Barbaro.

Well, I am really busy. A lot of citizens in Afghanistan were just murdered.

Yeah, I know, but this horse really needs you. He busted his leg up pretty bad.

Oh, so he's not even dead?

No. But they keep saying his chances of living are 50-50.

Well, that's pretty good, you know, for a horse.

I know, but there was a chance he could have won the Triple Crown.

Hm, well this kid I was about to bless had a chance of seeing his children again, but he got killed by a roadside bomb.

God, I know there are lots of things on your plate right now, but people really seem to like this horse. It would lift the spirits of Americans if you would just bless this horse.


Yeah, it's like the equestrian 9/11.

Okay, fine. Bless you Barbados.

No, Barbaro.


Great, thanks God. You've really made a difference.

No problem. Aw, dammit!

What happened?

While I blessed that horse, a bunch of miners just died.

Oh. That's too bad. People really seem to like miners lately.

They are motherfucking heroes.

I still have not posted the second half of my vacation story, huh? Does anyone care anymore? I don't.

On our last day in Miami, before the hotel screwed up my day, I was reading the complimentary newspaper. I then saw this picture on the weekend magazine that was in the Miami Herald or whatever paper it was.


I was like, "Damn, Tania, we weren't this sexy on our vacation. What did these sexy people do that we should have been doing??"

Turns out they were being this fucking sexy on an airboat in the Everglades.


So I was like, "Shit! Our vacation is now ruined because I didn't think of showing my nipples while looking for crocodiles."

I have been to the Everglades, and I have been on an airboat. It was not this sexy. I was there when I was a kid, and I was a pretty sexy kid. My family and I were on this airboat that kept breaking down. Every time it broke down, we would be attacked by mosquitoes. It was awful. So everyone on the boat would start smacking their skin and trying to kill the mosquitoes, but the airboat driver would say, "Don't smack at 'em. You'll only aggravate 'em even more."

By the way, our driver was not sexy. Unless you like that whole Brawny Man totally letting himself go kind of thing. And I mean the old Brawny Man. The one with the mustache. Not the new kind of queer one.

You know what else was kind of funny about Miami? Before I went, everyone was talking about how beautiful the people are down there. Well, I think the beautiful people had the week off.

Exhibit A

miami 030

That is a nice tan line, though.

If not for my lovely lady, I would not have seen one sexy person.

miami 044


Dear Asshole,

You are a motherfucking asshole.

Warm Regards,
Michael Toole

I mean, seriously, why would someone do that?

Anyway, it has been brought to my attention that the Dallas sucks/T.O. swallows thing is not a Philly original. There was a UCLA/Stanford one, brought to you by Cal, and there are apparently shirts in Boston that read "Jeter sucks. A-Rod swallows."

So, stay classy sports fans across America.

I don't envy the parent that has to avoid explaining that to their kids. When I saw the one in Philly, there was a little kid walking by with his dad, and he said, "Dad, I want that shirt." The dad said, "No you don't." The kid obviously doesn't get it, so what do you tell him when he asks why it's a bad shirt? You probably won't say, "Well son, when you ejaculate into a woman's mouth, she is forced to make a choice..."

Hm. I feel like I had more to say today. I'll reach for things.

Recently at work, I came across this guy's last name, which was "Newcomer." Now, I am not one to make fun of another's last name, but Newcomer? His family must have gotten to Ellis Island when the name givers were getting lazy. The guy after Mr. Newcomer was named Johnny Nextguyinline.

Hey New Jersey dwellers, have you seen that commercial that is anti-Verizon? The one that goes "Tax tax tax! Verizon's gonna stick it to you good, and triple your cable taaaax."

Holy shit, that song is the worst. It makes me change the channel in hopes that I find the Foxwoods song so I can get that stuck in my head.

So I am watching the last season of Six Feet Under on DVD and I just got watched the whole Nate numb arm narm marm arm episode, and unfortunately, I know what happens, because I saw it on some stupid VH1 show. No surprises. You know what I find annoying about that show? All the chicks have sex with their shirts on. It's not that I am jonesing for some nudity, but it just strikes me as so unrealistic. Show your boobies! They did show the boobs of the Quaker that kills Nate. Good for her.

I walked by The White House when I was in DC a few weeks ago. Say what you will about George W., but the motherfucker keeps a nice front lawn. Flawless!

Oh, I ran into Jack Bauer the other day in Union Square. It was pretty awesome. I followed him into Virgin Megastore, where I hoped to get a good picture of him on my camera phone, but no dice. He was checking out the $8 CD bin. Cheap bastard! If I worked there, I would have offered to help him, but I would have run up to him, grabbed him by the lapels and yelled, "What are you looking for?!?!?!" You know, instead of "Who are you working for?!?!?!" Get it? It's a 24 joke. You get it.

OK, this is more than I intended to blog. So I am done.

So I traveled down to Philly yesterday to watch the Mets play the Phillies. As far as games go, it kind of sucked because the Mets lost and it was a rain shortened game (they played exactly 4 1/2 innings - all you need to make it official). I did get to see Aaron Rowand break his nose on an amazing catch in the first inning, which was cool to see, but the catch cost the Mets the game.

I went with my pa. We realized we hadn't been to a Mets game together since 1986. We saw the Mets lose in Game 4 of the NLCS against the Astros. I don't remember much, except for it being way too cold for baseball. And we were in the second to last row of the stadium. We could punch the underbelly of the airplanes flying overhead.

Anyway, the Mets did win the World Series that year, so maybe this is a good omen.


I have a picture of my dad at the game eating nachos, but this one from his 40th birthday is way more awesome. As you can see, he is 40 and sporty. I am not sure what the deal is with the soda bread cake or whatever that is. I'll have to ask my mom.

dad cake

Oh, as I was leaving the game, there were two guys outside selling shirts that said, "Dallas sucks. T.O. swallows."

You stay classy, Philadelphia.

When they aren't throwing batteries or booing paralyzed football players, Philadelphia fans can be pretty funny.

I was just at the mall, was in line at a store where I bought School of Rock. When I was on line there was this kid in front of me, who paid mostly with dimes. After the transaction, he asked the dude behind the counter what time it was. The guy says it is 4:57. So the kid says, "On the dot?" The guy says yeah, but I really wanted him to say, "No. I was rounding to the nearest seven."

Anyway, I was in the mall because I went to see United 93. I hadn't planned to, but I was there and it was playing. So I went.

I can't really say it was a good movie, because that sounds weird. It was intense and gut wrenching and grueling to get through. When they show the clips of the planes hitting the World Trade Center, and the reactions of the people watching, it brings you back immediately.

My biggest problem with the movie was the amount of fucking assholes that were in the theater. I thought I'd be safe going at around 2:00 in the afternoon. Turns out I was wrong. There were about 12 14-year-old girls there. Huh? Is this The Princess Diaries or something? It's before the previews and they are all giggling and doing things with their cell phones and just being really loud and annoying. Surely they will shut the fuck up when the movie about September fucking 11 comes on.

They didn't. They were talking and laughing and getting up and leaving and coming back. They were sitting pretty far from me, so it wasn't annoying as it could have been. At one point, there were about four of them that left, then came back and sat right behind me. I shushed them. They still were talking, so I gave them a "Shut. Up." They left.

What was even more annoying was that there were two adults with them (which is how they got in to the Rated R movie), but they did absolutely nothing. There were also other people in the theater talking to each other. If there was a movie where I would imagine you would not talk, this would be it. But no. That's what you get, though, when going to see a movie at a Jersey City mall. There was also a guy behind me that sounded like he had a piece of popcorn stuck in the back of his throat for the entire movie.

Anyway, everyone shut up by the end of the movie, and the end was the quietest a movie theater has ever been. The ending is rough.

I think, though, I was getting more upset by the annoying people than the actual content of the film.

Oh! And hey, remember how Lozo said there were no stars in this movie? Not true! Sledge Hammer is in it!

Oh well. I should have gone to see Akeelah and the Bee. I love spelling bees, but I am very anti-terrorist.

I think United 93 was the reason I bought School of Rock. I wanted to laugh. I then laughed about 20 minutes later on my way home when I realized I already own School of Rock. So I now have two Schools of Rock. Maybe I will give one to my mom for Mother's Day. At least I got to hear the 4:57 on the dot conversation. That made my day.

And speaking of Lozo, people have been asking me if we are fighting, and I would like to take this moment to say that Lozo and I are in love and plan to continue a very happy life together. Even though he is a hack. Proof here.

I promise* that I will have the second part of my vacation posted by the end of this week.

*Promise not valid on the Internet.

So I was in DC this weekend to visit the lady. On Sunday, we went to hang out down on the mall. Well, hang out is the term for the bros, have a picnic is the term for the ladies and the gay bros. Anyway, it was a nice day and I've got the sunburn on my nose to prove it.

When we emerged from the Metro, a girl handed us a piece of paper that encouraged us to join a rally to save Darfur. She said, "It's going to be historic." Maybe so, and I'm all about the anti-genocide, but hey, I'm on a picnic! Don't kill my buzz, hippie! Here is the piece of paper I was handed.

I put the piece of paper away and wish the people of Darfur the best. We go and find some grass to sit on and do nothing for three hours. It was quite enjoyable.

Tania and I at one point talked about how it was a nice day for a rally, but Tania mentioned that she didn't want to fight genocide on a Sunday. I agreed. Sundays are for lazy. I'll change the world on Monday.

After we got back home and I was emptying my pockets, change and whatnot, I take out the piece of paper about Darfur and then see this on the back.

Fuck! George Clooney! Hey, Darfur people, that should have been your thing! Just say George Clooney and hand out the piece of paper backside up. Here is how I would have handed out the paper:

Me: Here you go. George Clooney speaking out about the atrocities in Darfur. (I would mostly mumble after the word "speaking.")
Someone: Wait, what's George Clooney doing?
Me: Yup, right over there.
Someone: Really? The real George Clooney?
Me: Yup.
Someone: And what is he doing this for?
Me: Yup. George Clooney. 2:00. It will be historic.

I guarantee you it would have raised way more Darfur awareness.

Anyway, I have another comment for my pal, Lozo! I think I might just create a blog called miketoolecommentsonstufffromlozosblog. Hey, I just did! But for now I will post this comment here. Oh, the real reason I don't post these comments on Lozo's actual blog is because long comments make you seem like a loser.

Anyway, this is in reference to his recent post after the his beloved Devils demolished my beloved Rangers. I won't go through it point by point, because it is way too long, but here are some thoughts:

Dave, the Rangers fans who were still holding on to the "You never beat us in the playoffs" are dumb. So dumb. Not even real fans. I would also say the Brodeur arguments are from the same fans. He's the best, no doubt about it, and anyone who knows hockey should tell you that. And the fact that you've heard these arguments from actual Rangers fans leads me to believe you hang out with stupid people who are Rangers fans or you hear this at Devils games from other drunk Rangers fans, and then you and your drunk Devils fans friends yell back and it continues all the way to the ends of the parking lot until both groups realize they forgot where they parked their car.

And yes, regarding Lundqvist in my case, I was totally thinking long term. I would have gladly taken Brodeur over any goalie in the league for the last six years. I still don't like the fact that he cheated on his wife with her own sister. That shit wouldn't fly in the Toole organization (say it like a Canadian - organ-eye-zation). We have family values.

My biggest gripe is with you calling Lundqvist mediocre. Based on what? He was a rookie this year, and before the injury was one of the best goalies in the league, hands down. And hey, I did some research!

In his first full year, Brodeur played in 47 games, had a 2.40 GAA and a .915 save percentage. He also won 27 games. Not bad. But according to you, it is less than mediocre. How's that? Well, Lundqvist, in his first full year played in 50 games, had a 2.24 GAA and a .922 save percentage. He won 30 games (which is a bit skewed because of shootout wins). He also faced 247 more shots than Brodeur. So a better save percentage after facing more shots? I'd say Lundqvist might have a better than mediocre career in him.

Of course, Brodeur got his team kind of far in the playoffs that year, but if Lundqvist didn't get hurt and the if the Rangers hadn't all come down with a case of the Sucks, they could have done lots more in these playoffs. And if the Rangers and Devils had met up when both playing their best hockey, it would have been a hell of a series. I know - if if if.

You know what upset me most about your post, though? It's what I find most annoying about sports and sports fans today. People get more excited about seeing other team's fans upset than it seems they do about their own team winning. Sure, beating a rival makes things sweeter, especially when the asshole fans have been talking shit. So Dave, take pleasure in seeing the asshole face painting fans lose, but for guys like me, have a little sympathy.

You never painted your face, did you? Or were you one of the guys in the upper deck with an "E" painted on his chest? You don't strike me as an E. Maybe an I.

I had way more to write after I first read your post, but my rage has simmered. Let's go Mets.
All material © Mike Toole; 2003 - 2006