Dear Asshole,

You are a motherfucking asshole.

Warm Regards,
Michael Toole

I mean, seriously, why would someone do that?

Anyway, it has been brought to my attention that the Dallas sucks/T.O. swallows thing is not a Philly original. There was a UCLA/Stanford one, brought to you by Cal, and there are apparently shirts in Boston that read "Jeter sucks. A-Rod swallows."

So, stay classy sports fans across America.

I don't envy the parent that has to avoid explaining that to their kids. When I saw the one in Philly, there was a little kid walking by with his dad, and he said, "Dad, I want that shirt." The dad said, "No you don't." The kid obviously doesn't get it, so what do you tell him when he asks why it's a bad shirt? You probably won't say, "Well son, when you ejaculate into a woman's mouth, she is forced to make a choice..."

Hm. I feel like I had more to say today. I'll reach for things.

Recently at work, I came across this guy's last name, which was "Newcomer." Now, I am not one to make fun of another's last name, but Newcomer? His family must have gotten to Ellis Island when the name givers were getting lazy. The guy after Mr. Newcomer was named Johnny Nextguyinline.

Hey New Jersey dwellers, have you seen that commercial that is anti-Verizon? The one that goes "Tax tax tax! Verizon's gonna stick it to you good, and triple your cable taaaax."

Holy shit, that song is the worst. It makes me change the channel in hopes that I find the Foxwoods song so I can get that stuck in my head.

So I am watching the last season of Six Feet Under on DVD and I just got watched the whole Nate numb arm narm marm arm episode, and unfortunately, I know what happens, because I saw it on some stupid VH1 show. No surprises. You know what I find annoying about that show? All the chicks have sex with their shirts on. It's not that I am jonesing for some nudity, but it just strikes me as so unrealistic. Show your boobies! They did show the boobs of the Quaker that kills Nate. Good for her.

I walked by The White House when I was in DC a few weeks ago. Say what you will about George W., but the motherfucker keeps a nice front lawn. Flawless!

Oh, I ran into Jack Bauer the other day in Union Square. It was pretty awesome. I followed him into Virgin Megastore, where I hoped to get a good picture of him on my camera phone, but no dice. He was checking out the $8 CD bin. Cheap bastard! If I worked there, I would have offered to help him, but I would have run up to him, grabbed him by the lapels and yelled, "What are you looking for?!?!?!" You know, instead of "Who are you working for?!?!?!" Get it? It's a 24 joke. You get it.

OK, this is more than I intended to blog. So I am done.