Halloween, while kind of fun as a kid, was never as much fun as it should have been for me. For, the biggest tragedy of my childhood was that I was allergic to chocolate. I was also allergic to peanut butter. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups were my kryptonite.

So I'd get home with my pillow case full of candy and search through it for all of the stuff I couldn't eat. So I'd "trade" it for my sister's candy. They'd give me all of their shitty candy, like Bit-O-Honeys. A Kit Kat for a Bit-O Honey? Hardly seems fair. Then my dad would come in, take any other chocolate candy I have, eat in front of me, say something like, "Oh man, this chocolate is so fucking good. Here's a Snickers wrapper for you to sniff, you sick, pansy-ass freak."

I am happy to report, though, that I have outgrown my allergies and I can now eat chocolate and peanut butter with reckless abandon. So after work, I'm going to mosey on down to the children's hospital, find some kids who are allergic to chocolate, and eat a bag of Hershey's Bits right in front of them. That'll make me feel better about my tragic, tragic childhood.