Blogging Like I've Never Blogged Before

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

Hello and welcome to the Mike Toole Finally Gets a Haircut pre-game show. It's been about four months since Mike's last haircut and he's decided it is time.

I spoke with Mike beforehand and he told me that it was a matter of his hair just getting too long and unruly. Plus, with the heat of summer bearing down, a thick head of hair isn't advisable for anyone.

Anyway, Mike is about to walk into the barber shop, which is located in the subway station at Columbus Circle. Let's go in and watch the action.

He gets right in there and it looks like the barber is a new guy.

He certainly is, Bob. I have not seen him before and do not have a scouting report on him. And you can tell, Mike is nervous right off the bat.

That's not a very good indicator of anything, though, Jack. As you know, Mike gets nervous every time he gets his hair cut.

Right you are Bob. He gets as nervous as Strom Thurmond in a Harlem gay bar.

The man is dead, Jack. Leave him be.

I just made that up.

It would have been funny ten years ago. Anyway, Mike is now draped in the protective barber cape and engaging in some small talk. As you know, Mike hates small talk, especially while getting a haircut.

That's right Bob. He feels they have a very serious job to do and should concentrate on the task at hand. And the fact that most of these barbers aren't good at speaking English, he feels that the conversation isn't going to get that far anyway. Whoa! I'm not much of a lip reader, but I think he just said, "I'm a fag. What are you?"

Um, I think he said, "Not bad. How are you?"

That would make more sense, Bob. Good lip readin'!

Thank you. OK, Mike is describing what he wants. As usual, it's a vague description and it's more of a mumble as he points to random parts of his head. I find it hard for Mike to complain about bad haircuts, especially when he never really gives a good description of what he wants.

He's not asking for a mohawk, Bob. It's pretty straightforward. Give the guy a nice haircut. Plain and simple.

OK. And the barber goes straight for the clippers, you know the little buzzing thing. And a look of dread streaks across Mike's face.

I think he's afraid they are going to cut off too much. He shouldn't have much to worry about, as the clippers are on a fairly high setting. It is a bit unsettling these days how reliant barbers are on clippers.

He settles back in as the barber cuts off quite a few chunks of hair. Now let's go to Mike's brain to see what he's actually thinking:

Oh, Christ. Go easy you big Russian. OW! You've got big hands, dude. Just ask me to turn my head and I'll turn it. Sheesh. Yaaaaa... not too much please. When is Christina's wedding? August. OK. If he does a bad job, I've still got over a month to grow this back. She'd kill me if I got a bad haircut. Oh, fuck! What is he doing? That will never even out. Wait... breathe... calm down. This happens all the time. You get all freaked out, but most of the time it ends up, if not great, at least OK. Just chill out.

So a little more insight to Mike as he gets his hair clipped here. Jack, what surprises you most about what we just heard from Mike's thoughts? Was it the fact that he cares so much about what he'll look like at his sister's wedding?

Well, Bob, that's hardly very surprising. What is shocking to me is that he still says "Chill out."

Shocking indeed, Jack.

He also thinks way too much. It's just a haircut, you pussy!

Easy Jack.

Sorry Bob.

Well, it looks like the cut is wrapping up.

Whoa, that's a lot of talc he just put on there.

It sure is. If I know Mike as well as I think I do, he's going to hate that. Let's go down for an interview.

Hi Mike. Bob and Jack here. How's it going?

Not so bad, guys.

Well, that's a good sign. So you are happy with your hair cut?

Right now it doesn't look so bad. You never know, but I think this is a good one. I was a little nervous going in, especially because it was a new barber. And I noticed halfway through that he didn't have an official barber certificate or whatever they are. That made me a little concerned.

Mike, we noticed that you were sweating a bit. What makes you so nervous?

Well, first, it's pretty hot down here. I was already sweating when I came in, because I had a long sleeve shirt on. But I probably did start sweating a little when I thought he was shaving off the back of my head. Turns out it was just my imagination, but I could have sworn he was ridding me completely of my hair.

What's next for you Mike?

Well, I'm going to go ride home on the subway, which I also hate right now. It's rush hour and I've got little itchy pieces of hair falling down my back. And I've got that, "That dude just got a haircut" look about me. I'm always worried I've got a clump of hair in my ear or something. Once I get home, I'll take a shower and see what happens. I think it's a good cut. The worst part about a good cut, though, is that it will never look better than it does on the day of the cut.

Right you are, Mike. Good luck with your hair and I hope everything works out with your sister's wedding.

Thanks, guys.

Join us tomorrow when Mike is scheduled to do his laundry. Of course, this is subject to change and it's possible Mike will just go out and buy new socks, rather than actually do his laundry.

This haircut has been brought to you in part by Modell's. You gotta got to Mo's. Also by Foxwoods Resort Hotel & Casino. Foxwoods -- The wonder of it all.
All material © Mike Toole; 2003 - 2006