Blogging Like I've Never Blogged Before

Tuesday, May 27, 2003

I drove down to DC this past weekend, and being that we are all Code Orange all the time, there are some friendly reminders on the highways that it's everyone's job to fight terrorism. On those electronic highway signs, which in a pre-9/11 world alerted us to traffic delays and construction, there is now this warning: "Heightened Security Alert - Report Any Suspicious Terrorist Activity".

Since I was supposed to report suspicious activity, I didn't report any of the normal every day run of the mill terrorist activity. I saw suicide bombers and hijackers and political figures being kidnapped, but as far as terrorists go, that's a pretty average day. Nothing suspicous about that. I did see some terrorists playing shuffleboard, which is awfully suspicious. I reported those fuckers post-haste.

I feel bad for any people of Middle-Eastern descent who go on vacation now. If you are a Muslim looking dude, you can't take your video camera out to film your family without Fearful Americans reporting you. And if they do any filming, it can't be in front of any sort of landmark, because people will think it's for some terrorist training video and you are going to try and blow up Cinderella's Castle. All photos or video now has to be in front of nothing significant. "And here we are with the kids in front of a, uh, tree there. You can't see it, but the Golden Gate Bridge is over to the right of us. I would have taken a photo of it, but, you know. Didn't feel like taking an extended vacation to Camp X-Ray."

CNN was showing some of their exclusive terrorist video recently. They have this footage from a training camp, and it looks pretty normal. There are guys doing the obstacle course monkey bar, crawling on their bellies kind of thing. The same thing you might see in a training video of any military. But then all of the sudden, they show these guys diving through a hoop of fire. Wha? I'm assuming someone in al-Qaeda got their hands on an American training video and used it has a model. But whoever they stole it from accidentally taped over part of it with the circus.

"Ok, I've stolen the tape from the Infidel's army. Now we need to set up a shooting range and a nice big obstacle course. And oh yes, we will need a hoop that we can set on fire."

"A hoop?"

"Yes. To jump through."

"They have to jump through a hoop?"

"Indeed. To build a strong army like the evil Americans, we need to do exactly as they do, and if they have their soldiers jumping through fire, we will do the same. And we are also going to need some elephants and a monkey on a tricycle."
All material © Mike Toole; 2003 - 2006