So yesterday I got into JFK (the airport, not the former president) at 5:30 AM. I couldn't sleep on the plane for reasons explained in my haiku from yesterday's post. I then went straight to work. I sat and stared at my computer for 4 hours. The other four hours? I don't know what it was. It wasn't staring. It was perhaps an unfocused, hallucinating gaze. There were moments where I was trying to focus, but all I could see was double. I got home, fell asleep for more than twelve hours, felt great, woke up, went to work at a later hour than normal. So I worked late. Now I can't fall asleep. Vicious cycle.

So I figured I'd do a little catching up and answer some three questions from people that I have been ignoring, mainly because I couldn't think of anything interesting to say. But I just took a sleeping pill, so this might be amusing.

The first questions come from a gal named Cindy.


1. When during the day are you the happiest?

Well, that's a good question. I think it is probably random. There are times I really enjoy waking up. Today, I had rare time to kill before work, so I was pleased as punch to sit and have time. I'm usually just showering and running out the door. But as far as morning happiness goes, that's rare. I also like early evening, especially if I'm going out. I like not knowing if I'll end up puking in an alley. And there are times where I'm happiest in dreams. I believe that the dreams I have are often more exciting than my actual life. I once had a dream where I had a kid and I was really happy about it (I didn't actually have it... there was a mother somewhere). But when I woke up I had this weird euphoric feeling. Then I realized I didn't have a kid and I was actually pretty bummed. So I guess the lesson is here that I want a kid. Email me, ladies!

2. What are the next three DVDs in your Netflix queue?

I sure have been slacking on Netflix. I think my love affair is coming to an end. I have the first season of Chappelle's Show next. The three after that are Intolerable Cruelty, The Pink Panther, and Witness for the Prosecution.

3. If you had to go through life with only two of your five senses, which ones would you choose?

Wow. Tough one. I'd have to keep touch. I just remembered that sight and hearing are very useful. Damn. But to lose touch? I think I could handle not having taste and smell. Until I accidentally drink a gallon of old milk and die. But at least I won't know why I died. I'm having a hard time letting go of touch. So that means sight or hearing will be gone. I think I'd have to get rid of hearing. It might be nice. I wouldn't have to listen to people's shit all day. I can just read it on their blogs. I'll miss music. But I'll just be like Tim Robbins in Shawshank and point to my head and heart when people ask me about missing music and I'll say, "It's in here. And here."


The next three are from a fella named Chris.

1) If you were a hermaphrodite, would you be in porn?

Either that, or Jaime Lee Curtis' stunt double.

2) If you were forced to be in a boy band which one would it be?

The Beach Boys or the Beatles. If I had to pick a current gay boy band, I guess I'd go with ... I don't know. And technically, "boy band" is inaccurate for those such as NSync or the Backstreet Boys. "Boy group" would be more accurate. Blink 182 is a Boy Band. I guess I'll go with New Kids on the Block, because my fame would be over now and I could just live in a cabin somewhere.

3) If you were a chick for one day what would you do?

I don't know, but I'd definitely ask for directions!!! Get it? Women are idiots! Of course I joke. I guess this would all depend on what kind of chick I was. Am I hot? Am I ugly? Fat? Skinny? Shy? Outgoing? Slutty? It would be kind of fun to go to a bar and see guys hit on me. That way, I can learn how pathetic I am and work on my skills. So there's your answer: I'd try to be a better man. I think that is the perfect answer. Is it not? I'm sure I'll just end up making out with a bunch of hot lesbians.


And finally, here are three questions from a gal named Rosemary, who was one of the first strangers to email me and say she liked to read my blog. To her, I am grateful.

1)Who would you thank in the liner notes of your CD?

Mom, dad, Christina, Laurie, Sam (best cat ever), my Grandma for teaching me that old people can be damn witty, my Grampa for teaching me that being quiet isn't necessarily a bad thing and that I should say "So long" to people and not "goodbye". And then there are many amazing friends and random people along the way that I couldn't possibly start to list here, but they know who they are (except for you, Rick).

2)You own a summer camp. What is its name, where is it located and what kinds of activities do you have?

It's called Camp Parents Are Idiots (although the parents think it's called Camp Obedience), it's located somewhere in Vermont, and we do a lot of canoeing. We also sing good songs, not silly camp songs. I'll get them to sing Beatles songs. Wouldn't it be great to get a bunch of kids singing "Nowhere Man"?

3)Will you be tuning in for the new season of The Simple Life, the "reality" show starring Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie?

I suppose I will be. I watched a lot of the last one, and even though it kind of made me depressed that little girls will try to emulate those two, it's still entertaining as all heck.


Thank you to all for your questions. Now, if you'll excuse me, the Whacking Day episode of the Simpsons is on.