I know it's old hat to dis on weathermen, but dude, come on. Despite my 28 years on this lovely planet, I am still shocked at the amount of time local newscasts spend on the weather. Fox 5 is the worst at this, because they've got an hour to kill and you can only spend so much time scaring the public and Solving Problems.

(Quick side note: Did anyone see SNL when they did the Fox 5 thing and Rachel Dratch said, "Coming up at 10, seven kids are molested to death while their teachers bought drugs from your dentist! AGGHGHGHGHGHHGH!" Fucking hilarious.)

Anyway, something that has long overstayed its welcome is the barometer. Who the fuck talks about the barometer. Does anyone really know what it means? I think that if it's dropping, it means the likelihood of rain is greater, or vice versa, but really, who the fuck cares? Have you ever had anyone say to you, "So, that barometer sure is something this week, huh?"

For me, the barometer is as useless as the Lotto numbers, but I know a lot of people play Lotto, so it's something that they should include on newscast. But the barometer has got to go. Give my five day fucking forecast and get your smiling ass off my TV, Sam Champion.

Just tell me if it's going to rain or not, please. I don't want to know about fronts coming from the south, winter blasts coming from the north, or some crazy shit coming out of the east. I just want to know if I should bring a sweater.