Blogging Like I've Never Blogged Before

Wednesday, April 30, 2003

Warm weather is finally back in NYC. The birds are singing, people are smiling, muggers are mugging more frequently, and the word "motherfucker," which has been muffled underneath scarves and blocked by earmuffs, now freely travels on the soundwaves at a frightening rate. Girlfriends saying it to their boyfriends, drivers saying it to pedestrians, mothers saying it their children, and in most cases, their children giving it right back.

I fucking love this motherfucking city, motherfucker.

Here is my exclusive interview with Scott Peterson. I know you are probably asking, "Mike, you fabulous bastard. How on Earth did you get an interview with Scott Peterson?" Well, it turns out that Scott is a big fan of the Blogging, and he emailed me the other day, because he was talking to some of his cell mates about how much they love Family Ties, and he thought it was weird that I wrote about it on the same day.

So for one of his phone calls that he probably should have used to be calling a good lawyer, Scott rang me up. Here goes:

Scott: Hi, is Mike there?

Me: Hey, this is my interview, I'll be the one asking the questions.

Scott: Oh sorry. But this is Mike, right?

Me: What did I just say?

Scott: That you are the one asking the questions.

Me: Very good. Let's start.

Scott: Ok.

Me: How's it going?

Scott: All things considered, not too bad.

Me: Did you kill your wife and your unborn child?

Scott: Yes.


Scott: I mean No! No, I didn't. I meant to say no.

Me: Sorry, we can only accept your first answer. Like a game show.

Scott: No, wait. Me and some of the guys were playing Opposite Day here so I got confused.

Me: Opposite Day?

Scott: Yeah, you know like when kids play it? You've got to say everything opposite, like "yes" means "no" and "bad" means "good."

Me: Oh I see. So you interpreted my question as "Did I resurrect my husband and my born adult?"

Scott: Wha?

Me: My question was, "Did you kill your wife and your unborn child?" The opposite of that I would think is "Did I resurrect my husband and my born adult?" So you interpreted that as me asking a question about myself?

Scott: Um, yes.

Me: Are you still doing the opposite thing?

Scott: No.

Me: You mean "yes"?

Scott: No. I'm done with Opposite Day.

Me: Ok. That was getting way too confusing.

Scott: Totally.

Me: So, back to the interview. You did kill your wife and her unnborn child, right?

Scott: Yes.


Scott: No! I mean no. Dammit. Crap.

Me: Again, we can only take your first answer.

Scott: Ok. Damn.

Me: So now that's out of the way, let's get to the rest of the interview. What's your favorite part of my Blog?

Scott: Um, I like a lot of it. It's pretty entertaining. I thought your alternate names for Operation Iraqi Freedom were pretty funny.

Me: Oh yeah? What was your favorite?

Scott: Um, I guess Operation Baby Killer. That made me and my buddies laugh pretty hard. One guy was like, "Scott, isn't that your Operation?!" It was pretty hilarious.

Me: Man, you are not good at this.

Scott: Sorry. It's been a rough few weeks.

Me: Yeah, I imagine all that goatee growing, golfing and hair dyeing is a chore.

Scott: Yeah, it ain't easy. I used to always say to Laci, "What's taking you so long with your hair?" She'd be like, "It takes a long time to dye hair." And I'd be like, "Whatever, lady. I'm going fishing." And she'd be like, "But Scott, it's my birthday. Can't you be with me?" And I'd say something like, "Chill out. I gots to get my fish on! Birthday or no birthday. Besides, you'll have plenty of more birthdays, unless of course I kill you." Looking back, she should have totally seen the warning signs.

Me: Totally. One last question. Who should play you in a movie made about this whole thing? Ben Affleck or Jerry O'Connell.

Scott: Affleck. I've seen him grow a good goatee and I dug him in Pearl Harbor. That movie is great. So much shit blows up. And Jerry O'Connell is kind of fat.

Me: You've been looking kind of chunky yourself lately. Are you one of those people who eat when they are nervous?

Scott: I'm not really that nervous.

Me: Are you sure? Have you read or watched anything about you? If there's one human on that jury, you're toast. I think you should be nervous.

Scott: What's a jury?

Me: Um, hey man, I've gotta go. There's a Real World/Road Rules Battle of the Sexes Marathon on right now.

Scott: Oh man, seriously? I love that show. You think you can tape that for me?

Me: Um, I'll see what I can do.

Scott: That'd be awesome.

Me: No problem.

Scott: Take it easy man. Keep up the blogging.

Me: Ok, dude. Keep up the not doing a very good job at trying to convince people you are innocent.

Scott: (laughs) Ok. I'll see what I can do.

Me: Take it easy.

Scott: This was all off the record, right?

Me: Yes, of course.

Scott: Thanks.

Me: Opposite Day!!!

Scott: (laughing) Oh that's a good one. You got me. Man I'm fucked, huh?

Me: Yup. Peace out!

Scott: See ya.

Here is a conversation I just had with someone who I was out drinking with last night:

Him: We drank a lot more than I thought we did.
Me: Yeah, it was a lot.
Him: It didn't seem like it was that much.
Me. Remember when the waitress gave us those shots.
Him (with a sigh of sudden realization why he feels like so much shit): Oh, fuck.

I think the most common response to anyone reminding someone of shots form the previous night is probably, "Oh, fuck."

Despite everything that I poisoned myself with last night, I was ten minutes early for work. And quite possibly, still drunk.

Today for breakfast I had three Advil.

I had a dream last night that I was at work, but it wasn't a normal, "I was at work but it really wasn't work, it was a giant jet ski that everyone was on. And my boss didn't look like my boss, but it was this red-headed guy I knew in high school who was kind of retarded, but it was still my boss, you know what I mean? Anyway, all of the sudden, the Rockettes were there and they were threatening to go on strike, but they were there to fix the bathroom" kind of dream. The dream was pretty much like a real day of work.

Things happened in the dream that would happen at work. People came up to me and asked me annoying questions that they should know the answer to, or questions I couldn't possibly know the answer to, the office looked exactly like the office I work in, and I really wanted to go home.

The only thing that was kind of weird was this really long conversation in the middle of the dream about "Family Ties," which actually is really not weird at all, except for the fact that it was a dream and an incredibly coherent conversation. We were talking about the episodes that were shockingly serious, especially the one where Alex's friend dies and Alex (or APK as I referred to him in the dream) goes to see that shrink and he's on that black stage and there was no laugh track. Weird. And we also talked about the episodes where Tom Hanks showed up as Uncle DrinksTooMuch.

It is quite possible that I've had that conversation before at work.

The dream was also incredibly long, which leads me to believe that I actually dreamt an 8 hour shift. I might have to put this in as overtime.

So here is my dream analysis: I have found my dream job!

Now for my analysis of my dream analysis, I will go vomit.

Back to Family Ties, they don't really do that anymore in sitcoms. It was a pretty big staple of 80's sitcoms to lay on some serious shit for the viewer who just wanted to sit back and watch Tootie do some roller skating on "Facts of Life."

The kids on Diff'rent Strokes were always up to something. Kimberly and Arnold were kidnapped after hitchhiking, Arnold had a friend in a wheelchair, Dudley got molested by the guy from WKRP in Cincinatti, Willis shot a guy while he was high on crack, Kimberly robbed a video store, then later died of a drug overdose in an apparent suicide... Wait, fiction and reality starting to blur. Sorry.

My favorite was when Valerie Harper of the show "Valerie" decided not to renew her contract and she quit the show at the end of the season. One of the big questions was how they would explain her leaving on the show. Divorce? Death? Peace Corps? You can't really say, "Kids, your mom wanted more money, so she won't be back this year." On the first episode without her, the kids and the father were around the table talking about something, then the dad said, "Well boys, things won't be the same now that your mom is dead. Anyway, here's your Aunt Sandy!" Then Sandy Duncan walked in and Valerie was never mentioned again. They could have made a whole season of the boys trying to deal with the loss of their mom (which I guess wouldn't have been very funny), but the writers and producers apparently hated Valerie Harper so much they decided to ignore the fact that she ever existed. That's harsh.

I hope tonight I dream about writing this.

I just saw the White Stripes at the Hammerstein Ballroom. They were great but didn't play long enough. I'm done with standing at shows. I want to sit. Standing and waiting is for suckers. I hate the people who stay back until four minutes before the headliner comes on, then they make their way forward at the last minute and push through the people who have been standing there for an hour or two.

Because there were people taller than me in my eyesight, I listened to the music and watched Nicole Kidman dance like a freak. She was up in her own private balcony with some folks and she was swinging her head around like a Jersey girl at a Bon Jovi concert. Meanwhile, Winona Ryder was in another balcony sitting down for the entire show. I think she was high. Or possibly contemplating how to steal some drums. Dirty thief. The Strokes were there and they realized that the White Stripes are way better than they are.

Happy Jesus Wake Up Day!

Doritos always seem like such a good idea when you first start eating them. I start wishing that everything was made out of Doritos. Like my house. Then I could eat my house and go outside to where there are more Doritos to fix my house with. Then I'll go eat my neighbor's car, and play all innocent when he asks me if I ate his car. Eventually I'll cave in and tell him that Doritos are so good, and his car looked so good I couldn't help myself. He'll say, That's okay Mike. I was gonna buy a new Cool Ranch car anyway. Then we'd have a good laugh. He'd invite me inside his house where we'd eat some more Doritos.

But that fantasy is always short lived, because after a few minutes of eating Doritos, I start to feel sick. so I tell myself to stop eating the Doritos. That will make me feel better. but I only proceed to feel worse, even though I have ceased eating the Doritos.

I've got an idea for an action movie that should star Arnold Schwarzenegger. The whole movie will be like old school action movies where people were killed just to be killed, and after everyone of them, Arnold said something brilliant.

For example, he would bust into someone's house, wake the guy up, only to kill him, and he would say something like, "Now that's what I call a rude awakening."

Or he would jump through a glass ceiling and would say, "Sorry to just drop in." Then he'd murder everyone.

In my movie though, he says exactly what he just did. Here are some sample scenes.

A guy tries to attack our Hero in an alley. Our Hero fights him off and then shoots him in the neck. Our Hero says (with Ah-Nuhld's accent), "Now that's what I would call getting shot in the neck. With a bullet from my gun."

Another scene has our Hero trying to get information from a spy through torture. He is in the spy's house and has tied him to a chair. The spy isn't talking, so our Hero brings in the spy's dog and kills the dog. The spy still won't talk, though he's visibly upset by the killing of his dog. Next, our Hero brings in the spy's son and holds his gun to his head. The spy yells out, "OK I'll talk! Don't hurt my boy! The combination to the safe is 38-45-21." Then our hero says, "You might say I just killed your dog to show you that I mean business and then threatened your son while you were tied to a chair to get information from you and I was successful in doing so." Then we find out that he really didn't even kill the dog but the dog was a spy for the CIA, and was good at acting and used fake blood. We have to do this because no one likes movies in which dogs are murdered and we want this movie to make money. Our Hero will explain that at the end of the film.

Our Hero also talks like this during his regular life. Like, at the grocery store he buys non-dairy milk because he's lactose intolerant. After he buys it he says, "You could say I just bought this non-dairy milk because I'm lactose intolerant and if I drank real milk my stomach would feel like I just ate knives. And when you say that, you would be correct in that assumption. Baby."

This will be a great movie.

Here is your hmmm for today.

And here is your ha-ha.

Dr. Atkins is dead. Perhaps he should have had more salt in his diet.

Salt. Get it? He slipped on ice. Salt melts ice. I'm a genius.

New York had it's first smoking bar ban related stabbing this past weekend where a bouncer was killed. That took longer than I thought it would.

It is incredibly sad, and by all accounts the bouncer was a really nice guy, but they were interviewing a neighbor of his on the news today and this lady said, "He really is the nicest guy I knew, next to Jesus." I shit you not. That's what she said. I have a feeling he probably cursed more than Jesus. And Jesus probably wouldn't have grabbed the guy after he refused to put his cigarette out. What Would Jesus Do? He probably would have said in his laid back hippie voice, "Come on man, I'm just doing my job. If it was up to me, I wouldn't give a damn, but my boss is being a dick about it. He thinks he's God or something. No I'm kidding. But seriously, put it out." If the guy still didn't put it out, then Jesus probably would have pulled some of his voo-doo shit and turned beer into water and thrown it on the cigarette.

Because of another brand new NYC law, I predict many dead theater ushers.

This will get ugly.

We best find some weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. That'd be bad if we find nothing. They need to find at least a slingshot.

Some soldiers should probably not be allowed to speak when a reporter is within earshot. Dig this nugget from the Daily News:

{A few blocks away, a frustrated merchant railed at Marines sitting in a tank as a gang trashed his store and hauled off booty in his wheelbarrows.

"Is this your liberation?" the merchant cried.

"Hell, it ain't my job to stop them," one Marine replied and lit a cigarette. "Goddamn Iraqis will steal anything if you let them. Look at them."}

At least he called them Iraqis, and not something like Sand Charlies. And it's nice that he didn't put an American flag on the guy's head, then switch it up real quick with the old Iraqi flag, unlike this guy. There are good ideas and bad ideas. That was a bad idea.

We just had a sexual harassment training seminar at work. Apparently it was about how we are NOT supposed to harass people. The following things are now in effect in my office:

-- While Casual Friday is still allowed, No Pants Tuesday is banned.

-- My boss' Morning Hug is now Morning Handshake and a Wink.

-- Even though they may seem like harmless compliments, phrases such as, "That's a nice necklace", or "I really like that shirt" or "Your tits look fanfuckingtastic today" might be misconstrued as harassment.

-- All physical contact should be limited, including back rubs and vaginal massages.

Live and learn, my friends.

Man, just when you thought this war was getting boring, BAM! Liberation for everybody! For those who started to lose faith in the cause, Iraqis were jumping up and down like a bunch of goofballs yesterday to show that we truly are the Red, Right and Blue. Take that, France! You big fairy peace queens!

These were the pictures that The White House has been waiting for. They downplayed it yesterday, but GW must have been firing off his six shooter. It's a huge win in the propaganda war. And it really was a great moment to watch.

However, outside of that town square, things aren't as rosy. But for the American viewpoint, interest probably peaked yesterday. A lot of people probably won't give a good God damn what happens from now on. Shock and Awe is over, so it's time to turn our attention elsewhere, something more entertaining. This whole rebuilding thing just isn't glamourous.

I couldn't help thinking that while a lot of the Iraqis were trying to dry hump the soldiers yesterday, a lot of the same people were probably dancing in the streets on September 11th. They like us right now, but we always seem to overstay our welcome or at least rub people the wrong way. Kuwaitis loved us for a time, but now they have citizens taking shots at the soliders and acting as suicide bombers.

People will always hate America no matter how many people and natural resources we liberate. Terrorism doesn't die with Saddam Hussein. This war has produced more anti-Americanism than ever.

But does that translate into more September 11ths? Or just more harmless demonstrations with burning flags and effigies? Will the dominance of this war over Iraq demoralize other countries or groups who want to act against America? Was 9/11 just a lucky shot and nothing like that will ever happen again? Will we leave Iraq with a crappy government to deal with and allow their history of war to continue?

These are all good questions, Michael.

Why, thank you Michael!

These problems will probably be around for the rest of your life.

Yes, Michael, I'm aware of that. It's quite a scary thought!

Indeed it is! You look great today, by the way.

Thanks! I think I need a haircut, though.

Hmmm, I guess you do.

What is to be done with this Middle East?

I just don't know.

I'm tired of talking about it. What else is on?

Did Baghdad win the Stanley Cup or something? I don't know what's going on but they were jumping around like crazy yesterday.

I apologize to my faithful readers. All none of you.

I have not been able to write anything new lately for a few reasons. I've been wicked busy at work, and since I don't have a computer at home, work is the only place I do this. I am also working in Jersey City, due to some sort of power thing issue at my real place of work in Manhattan, and it turns out that Jersey City sucks out any creativity that might exist in me bones.

So here is all I can think of right now:

Why did Jesus turn water into wine, rather than turning it into beer?
Because he's a big gay hippie that likes wine.

That's all I gots.

I also likes how the media tells us how good or bad the war is going day by day.

Only two guys died today. We gonna win it! The stock market is a bull!

Today we lost seven and there are fourteen missing. This ain't going so well. Dang. Stocks bad!

I also saw a guy from the Marines who is on American Idol (the worst show on television), and he has about seven of his Marine friends in the audience watching him. Doesn't this seem wrong? Do you think there are seven Iraqi soldiers anywhere rooting on their buddy at an Iraqi talent show or at karaoke? Plus, I saw that this guy sang "Celebrate" at the last show. As in "Celebrate good times, c'mon!"

I was going to write more about that, but I don't think I have to. But in case you don't get it, he is a Marine, who is singing about celebrating good times, while his pals are really far away killing and dying. Shouldn't he at least be singing "I'm Proud to Be An American" or "Arabian Nights" or "Bombs Over Baghdad"?

I'm going to bed.
All material © Mike Toole; 2003 - 2006