Blogging Like I've Never Blogged Before

Sunday, April 27, 2003

Here is my exclusive interview with Scott Peterson. I know you are probably asking, "Mike, you fabulous bastard. How on Earth did you get an interview with Scott Peterson?" Well, it turns out that Scott is a big fan of the Blogging, and he emailed me the other day, because he was talking to some of his cell mates about how much they love Family Ties, and he thought it was weird that I wrote about it on the same day.

So for one of his phone calls that he probably should have used to be calling a good lawyer, Scott rang me up. Here goes:

Scott: Hi, is Mike there?

Me: Hey, this is my interview, I'll be the one asking the questions.

Scott: Oh sorry. But this is Mike, right?

Me: What did I just say?

Scott: That you are the one asking the questions.

Me: Very good. Let's start.

Scott: Ok.

Me: How's it going?

Scott: All things considered, not too bad.

Me: Did you kill your wife and your unborn child?

Scott: Yes.


Scott: I mean No! No, I didn't. I meant to say no.

Me: Sorry, we can only accept your first answer. Like a game show.

Scott: No, wait. Me and some of the guys were playing Opposite Day here so I got confused.

Me: Opposite Day?

Scott: Yeah, you know like when kids play it? You've got to say everything opposite, like "yes" means "no" and "bad" means "good."

Me: Oh I see. So you interpreted my question as "Did I resurrect my husband and my born adult?"

Scott: Wha?

Me: My question was, "Did you kill your wife and your unborn child?" The opposite of that I would think is "Did I resurrect my husband and my born adult?" So you interpreted that as me asking a question about myself?

Scott: Um, yes.

Me: Are you still doing the opposite thing?

Scott: No.

Me: You mean "yes"?

Scott: No. I'm done with Opposite Day.

Me: Ok. That was getting way too confusing.

Scott: Totally.

Me: So, back to the interview. You did kill your wife and her unnborn child, right?

Scott: Yes.


Scott: No! I mean no. Dammit. Crap.

Me: Again, we can only take your first answer.

Scott: Ok. Damn.

Me: So now that's out of the way, let's get to the rest of the interview. What's your favorite part of my Blog?

Scott: Um, I like a lot of it. It's pretty entertaining. I thought your alternate names for Operation Iraqi Freedom were pretty funny.

Me: Oh yeah? What was your favorite?

Scott: Um, I guess Operation Baby Killer. That made me and my buddies laugh pretty hard. One guy was like, "Scott, isn't that your Operation?!" It was pretty hilarious.

Me: Man, you are not good at this.

Scott: Sorry. It's been a rough few weeks.

Me: Yeah, I imagine all that goatee growing, golfing and hair dyeing is a chore.

Scott: Yeah, it ain't easy. I used to always say to Laci, "What's taking you so long with your hair?" She'd be like, "It takes a long time to dye hair." And I'd be like, "Whatever, lady. I'm going fishing." And she'd be like, "But Scott, it's my birthday. Can't you be with me?" And I'd say something like, "Chill out. I gots to get my fish on! Birthday or no birthday. Besides, you'll have plenty of more birthdays, unless of course I kill you." Looking back, she should have totally seen the warning signs.

Me: Totally. One last question. Who should play you in a movie made about this whole thing? Ben Affleck or Jerry O'Connell.

Scott: Affleck. I've seen him grow a good goatee and I dug him in Pearl Harbor. That movie is great. So much shit blows up. And Jerry O'Connell is kind of fat.

Me: You've been looking kind of chunky yourself lately. Are you one of those people who eat when they are nervous?

Scott: I'm not really that nervous.

Me: Are you sure? Have you read or watched anything about you? If there's one human on that jury, you're toast. I think you should be nervous.

Scott: What's a jury?

Me: Um, hey man, I've gotta go. There's a Real World/Road Rules Battle of the Sexes Marathon on right now.

Scott: Oh man, seriously? I love that show. You think you can tape that for me?

Me: Um, I'll see what I can do.

Scott: That'd be awesome.

Me: No problem.

Scott: Take it easy man. Keep up the blogging.

Me: Ok, dude. Keep up the not doing a very good job at trying to convince people you are innocent.

Scott: (laughs) Ok. I'll see what I can do.

Me: Take it easy.

Scott: This was all off the record, right?

Me: Yes, of course.

Scott: Thanks.

Me: Opposite Day!!!

Scott: (laughing) Oh that's a good one. You got me. Man I'm fucked, huh?

Me: Yup. Peace out!

Scott: See ya.
All material © Mike Toole; 2003 - 2006