Blogging Like I've Never Blogged Before

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Do you think God plays drinking games? I don't know who he'd play with, but I imagine a popular one this week would be, "OK, every time someone says What are you doing for New Year's? and then the other person replies with I don't know. You?, take a drink."

This Lazy Sunday bit has become so out of control and everywhere, that last night I had a dream about it. I dreamt that I met Chris Parnell and I was trying to tell him how much I loved the line, "Snack attack motherfucker!" but I couldn't say it. I could say "snack attack" just fine, but when I got to "motherfucker," words didn't come out. I just started clicking. It was weird.

I got the worst fortune from a fortune cookie today. It says, "You would make a good lawyer." OK, I would not make a good lawyer because I am terrible in arguments. I am not a quick thinker. I say stupid shit then have to dig my way out. But when I think about it later, I am very good at making a clear and rational argument. Not good for a lawyer, because by that time, my client will be getting raped in the prison shower.

And that's not really a fortune. It's an observation. An observation that I don't think a cookie is qualified to make. It'd be like getting a fortune that said, "Your hair looks nice today."

So I am driving on the New Jersey Turnpike on Christmas night and I see this highway sign all lit up that says "GOOD LUCK RUTGERS IN THE INSITE BOWL." We here in New Jersey don't pay much attention to the college football, so I was surprised to see Rutgers made it into a bowl game. I also thought that INSITE BOWL looked wrong. Sure enough, it should be INSIGHT BOWL. But hey, it's the thought that counts, right New Jersey Turnpike?

Anyway, they lost. In case you were wondering what that sound was in New Jersey, it was a wave of apathy surging through the state.

Speaking of bowls, the worst name for a bowl game should go to the Houston Bowl. What the fuck is This gives me hope though. Within the next few years, I would like to see the Bowl. Or maybe the Bowl, Presented by, a Division of Google.

A couple of weeks ago I had been awake for over 24 hours and thought it would be a good idea to go food shopping. While food shopping, I thought it would be a good idea to buy a few Hungry Man dinners. I then thought it would be a good idea to put them in my freezer. Then I thought a good idea would be if I took one out of my freezer, brought it to work, microwaved it according to Hungry Man's directions, and then eat it.

Despite me thinking this was a good idea, there was always a voice inside my head saying, "Mike. This is a bad idea. You know that, right?" Then I'd be like, "I know it is but I can't stop myself." Then the voice would say, "OK. Just as long as you know."

Once I got to the point of eating it, my thoughts kept quiet and just watched with a reluctant interest. The same way I once watched half an episode of Joey. I know it's going to be bad, but just how bad?

I can safely say that Joey is worse than a Hungry Man dinner. Don't get all confident just yet, Hungry Man! Joey sucks balls.

But to my surprise, Hungry Man doesn't suck total balls. It's far from great. If you aren't familiar with what hungry men eat, there is a main dish, like fried chicken, something in potato form, usually some corn, and a brownie. The brownie makes things a little queer. Also, you have to take it out before the rest of it is done cooking, so you've just got this hot brownie sitting there. I like to eat that first. Why? Because I am hungry, man!

And because it's a hot brownie just waiting to be eaten. Brownies are best when hot. You know when they are not best? When they have corn in them. The biggest problem with the Hungry Man dinners is the unpredictability of the brownie. The first one I had, the brownie was frozen at an odd angle, so when it melted, chocolate got on my chicken. I was all, "Your chocolate is on my chicken! No sir! Your chicken is on my chocolate!" So I had chocolate chicken for dinner.

With this Hungry Man dinner I am currently eating, the corn overlapped into my brownie, so I had some corn in my brownie. Poo joke, anyone?

Hey, so how was your Christmas? Mine was fantastic. I got everything I asked for. Lots of kitchen stuff because I would like to be a better cook. Granted, I love chocolate chicken and corn poo brownies, but it'd be nice to be able to cook for myself on a regular basis. So if you want to come over and hang out, I've got a food processor and a crock pot now. I have no clue what to do with them, but maybe you can help. Or you can look at my new wine rack and we can get shitty.

I also got a coffee bean grinder and coffee maker, which is very exciting. It grinds the shit out of beans! And then makes delicious coffee! I can't wait to go buy beans! I love the smell of coffee beans! Especially at Empire which has the best coffee! Beans beans good for your heart beans beans great for your heart!

Hey, here is a blog people should read. This gal is funny. I always forget to read her, but then when I do, I laugh lots. Like this post.

Merry Christmas and other holidays! Hey Jesus, sorry I didn't make it to church on your birthday. I was too busy making you a cake! I hope you like chocolate and corn!

This past weekend I had brunch with Stat Boy from PTI. This was very exciting. Tania is friendly with Stat Boy's ladyfriend, so we got the invite. Stat Boy was really cool and didn't point out any errors I made, so that was nice. I wanted to call him Stat Boy, but since I was in his home and didn't know him very well, I felt I shouldn't. But then Tania noticed that it said "Stat Boy" on his Christmas stocking. I still didn't call him Stat Boy, though. Turns out he is a Jersey boy. We talked Central Jersey and watched the Colts lose.

So I'm in this coffee shop/bakery last weekend getting some coffee. There is a woman in front of me who has her son plopped up on the counter. He is looking at all the muffins and other baked goods, and the mother is telling him, "Mommy is going to get a pumpkin muffin." Then the kid says something stupid because he's a kid and I can't understand him. He was two.

Anyway, they get to ordering, and I must have missed an earlier conversation between mother and son. The mom says "I'd like a large coffee and a pumpkin muffin." Then she says to her son, "Tell the man what you want." So he goes, "I wanna muffin! Punkin' muffin!"

Here is where I found out I missed an earlier conversation. The mom looks startled and says, "I thought you said you wanted a croissant?" He replied, "Muffin!" She says, "Honey, didn't you say you wanted a croissant? You don't want us both to get pumpkin muffins, do you?" Now he starts to cry. And she says, "OK, pumpkin muffin." And he stopped crying.

Now, I know that there is a sentiment out there that you shouldn't baby-talk to your kids, but you gotta draw the line here, mommy. HE IS TWO! Here was the earlier conversation I must have missed:

Mommy, I am hungry for a buttery and flaky pastry. Is there such a thing?

Why, yes honey. It is called a 'croissant'.

Mmm, that sounds delicious. Let's go get one, Mommy! And you can get your coffee that you so enjoy on Sunday mornings.


Oh, mommy, before we do go, can you please clean this crap out of my pants. It seems I've done it again. I'm two. I crap my pants.

I just couldn't believe how shocked she looked when he had changed his mind. Like it was so crazy to her for a two-year-old to be impulsive.

Hmm. What else have I got for you today?

I love my lady lumps.

What a great song that is. I imagine it is a very inspiring song for women.

I was at a Starbucks recently using one of the many gift cards I seem to have accumulated. When the guy swiped the card, there seemed to be some sort of error. He put the card down on the counter, not really close to me, so I assumed he still needed it. He calls over someone else -- what are they called? Baristas. So these two baristas are messing with the receipt provider. I've already got my coffee in hand, so I asked "Did it not go through? Do you need to swipe it again?" Barista number 1 looks at me and says, "It went through, but don't you want your receipt?" For my $1.90 cup of coffee? No thanks. You keep it. I was reminded of the Mitch Hedberg bit with doughnuts and receipts.

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".

Oh man, who else is excited for Wednesday?? After two long years of waiting, Cheaper by the Motherfuckin' Dozen 2 is coming out! I don't know if you saw the commercial yet, but Steve Martin gets his balls crushed on a log! Who isn't laughing yet?!?!?!

I can't wait until the trilogy is complete, but then there will be that depressing following year when you realize there won't be another Cheaper by the Dozen (CBTD) film. I went through the same thing with Lord of the Rings. So I will be all bummed out and put in the CBTD DVD to watch the special features. I hope there is an extended Steve Martin Getting His Balls Smashed on a Log scene.

Speaking of movies that remind me of craps that I've taken, I watched Mr. and Mrs. Smith last night. What a steaming pile. It was barely a movie. It should have been called Two Hot People Blowing Shit Up. There was hardly a plot, and everyone in the movie (including Brad and Angelina) just seemed to be like, "Hey, I'm in a movie with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie! This movie practically makes itself!"

You know what might make it more interesting? A commentary by Jennifer Aniston. Just listen to her watching the movie, saying most of the time, "You bitch. Slut. (low audible sobbing) Whore!"

Remember when Brad Pitt acted in movies? Like Seven and Twelve Monkeys and even True Romance. Now he just "cools" instead of acts. "Hey, I'm Brad Pitt and I'm in a movie and I'm hot and I kind of talk with a mush-mouth, but I don't care because I just fucked Angelina Jolie and somehow made eight million dollars while doing it."

Anyway, I originally was going to give the movie two stars on Netflix, but the more I thought about it, it got knocked down to 1 measly little star. Take that, Hollywood and your lazy movie-making! I'm fighting back via Netflix stars.

Hey, to those of you that signed up for that notify list thing on the left there, does it work??? I kind of just threw that up there without knowing if it actually works. I hope you are being notified of this bloggy goodness.

I recently had to find a picture of snot for a work email. Well, I didn't have to, but I really wanted to. So I googled images using the word "snot". I think it worked out just fine. This is the best picture in the world.

I always forget to change the channel after The Colbert Report (the 10:30 repeat from the night before). It is important to do it immediately because Premium Blend comes on. Three or four of the worst stand-up comics in a row. This particular one happened to be hosted by David Alan Grier. He received a standing ovation.

So I was like, "Standing Ovation, you are dead to me."

Then I switched it over The Price Is Right. Just when I turned it on, Bob Barker was receiving a standing ovation.

Way to redeem yourself, Standing O. If I wasn't so tired, I'd give you a standing ovation of my own.

You know what I love about my overnight life? My TV schedule when I get home:

9:00 - 10:00 -- SportsCenter
10:00 - 10:30 -- The Daily Show
10:30 - 11:00 -- The Colbert Report, which seems to get funnier every day.
11:00 - 11:30 -- I flip between the second half of The Gilmore Girls on ABC Family, and the first half of The Price Is Right.
11:30 - 12:00 -- The second half of The Price Is Right.

You know what makes it even better? Getting drunk!

I was going to blog a little more today, but I am kind of drunk right now (just before they announce the winner of the Showcase) and I don't feel like blogging.

Instead, here is my favorite picture from my Colorado vacation. It was taken by my lady. Leading the pack is me, then it's Big Balls Dave, followed by his wife, Alyssa. It is quite a peaceful feeling photo. Word? Word.

colorado tania 098

So Tania is coming up to visit this weekend, and I had to do a little food shopping. She gets her own shelf in my fridge. How can you not want a girlfriend whose only demands are Diet Cherry Coke and bacon?


So I'm on the train this morning and I notice this guy sitting in front of me reach into his briefcase. He pulls out a big ol' carrot, takes a bite, then puts it back into his briefcase. How weird, I thought. Then I thought it would be funny if I said to him, "You wascally wabbit!"

But then I noticed that he had kind of dark skin. You know, terrorist skin. So then I thought I should say, "You wascally tewwowist!"

So I got all nervous thinking that maybe that was something terrorists do before they blow up trains. Take a bite of a carrot, praise Allah, then take out the Acme bomb and Kablammo!

He got off at the next stop without blowing me up. I was still a little curious, so I just Googled do terrorists eat carrots before they blow up trains? It doesn't look like they do, so that's a relief. I still reported him. Suspicious activity and all. Hey, if I see something, I say something!

And seriously, anyone who keeps a big carrot stick in their briefcase and only eats one bite at a time is automatically suspicious.

Oh hey, if you want to buy a vibrator for that special someone for Christmas, but don't know where to find any, just Google "wascally wabbit."

Mewwy Chwistmas, clitowis!

I really ought to take note of brands of toilet paper and paper towels that I buy. The last bunch of toilet paper I had was the best. Nice and soft, and you could also blow your nose in it. I also had some super absorbent paper towels. But I don't remember either brand. So this most recent batch of paper products I bought are severely disappointing. The toilet paper is not very soft and the paper towels just kind of move water, rather than absorbing it. Damn. Pooping used to be a dream! Now it is a horrible nightmare.

So last night I am at this bar called Doc Holliday's for good old Irish boy, Patrick McGrath's birthday. Woo! Shout out! Just for the record, Pat's a great guy. Also, just for the record, Doc Holliday's is one of the worst bars in the city. It smells, it's crowded, and they charge you six dollars for a Guinness that they may or may not put in a plastic cup.

Anyway, I was heading back to the bathroom at one point. Because I had to pee. The bathroom is located in the back. There is this little room with an old arcade game. To the right of the game is the door to the bathroom, and to the left is this little alcove. As I went into the bathroom, I noticed a guy standing to the left of the arcade game who appeared to be peeing. I thought it odd because there was no line for the bathroom, so it wasn't like he was waiting and couldn't wait anymore.

Whatever, a guy peeing in a corner at Doc Holliday's. No big deal, I thought. The place is covered in urine. So on my way back out of the bathroom, I see a bouncer standing there looking at the guy. He has obviously made him finish up and told him to get out. But then as the dude is buckling up his belt, I see a gal stand up and appear from the alcove. Dude was getting a BJ!

I find this disgusting. Not because I am offended by sex acts in public, but in Doc Holliday's??? I would never! I am a man of discriminating taste.

If you'd like to see more examples of why I don't like this bar, just go to the official web site and check out the photo gallery. I think you will agree that it honks. This photo right here is kind of a good description of the bar.

Doc Holliday's -- Where drinking is akin to torture!

This photo might explain why the place smells like a dog's ass. I think at one point last night I said to someone, "My beer tastes funny. I can't really put my finger on it, but I think it has worms."

Oh man, this guy was there last night! He kept talking to us and, keeping with the theme of the bar, he smelled really bad.
All material © Mike Toole; 2003 - 2006