So I'm on the train this morning and I notice this guy sitting in front of me reach into his briefcase. He pulls out a big ol' carrot, takes a bite, then puts it back into his briefcase. How weird, I thought. Then I thought it would be funny if I said to him, "You wascally wabbit!"

But then I noticed that he had kind of dark skin. You know, terrorist skin. So then I thought I should say, "You wascally tewwowist!"

So I got all nervous thinking that maybe that was something terrorists do before they blow up trains. Take a bite of a carrot, praise Allah, then take out the Acme bomb and Kablammo!

He got off at the next stop without blowing me up. I was still a little curious, so I just Googled do terrorists eat carrots before they blow up trains? It doesn't look like they do, so that's a relief. I still reported him. Suspicious activity and all. Hey, if I see something, I say something!

And seriously, anyone who keeps a big carrot stick in their briefcase and only eats one bite at a time is automatically suspicious.

Oh hey, if you want to buy a vibrator for that special someone for Christmas, but don't know where to find any, just Google "wascally wabbit."

Mewwy Chwistmas, clitowis!