Blogging Like I've Never Blogged Before

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

I have nothing new to blog about today. So instead I will post this picture of my friend Dave and his most gigantic Balls.

Dave's balls

I know you have lots of questions. Like:

Why is Dave wearing ladies' clothes?

Where is that?

Why is Dave wearing a harness?

Is it legal to have Balls that large?

Why can't I stop staring at his Balls?

Are Dave and his Balls single?

Let me explain. We went out to San Francisco for our friend Robbie's surprise 30th birthday party. The day of the party, Robbie's wife Cara organized a scavenger hunt and a '70s party. So everyone was dressed up in '70s garb running around SF trying to accomplish things on the scavenger hunt list.

The group I was with, Dave and his Balls included, were all out-of-towners. So we were kind of getting our asses kicked in the scavenger hunt when we passed by one of those jump on a trampoline while tied to a harness and bungee cords and do flips and shit kind of things. Our friend Matt said something like, "Dave, I don't give a shit about this scavenger hunt, I'll pay for you to go on that thing."

Now, we had no idea Dave's Balls were so massive before this, so it was just something funny to see, because Dave was also wearing a huge afro wig. It fell off before this picture was taken.

(Please note that all references to Dave's Balls should always be capitalized -- just like God.)

So anyway, Dave gets up there with his green pants and tourists are gathered around to see this man with the afro and bright green pants jump on this trampoline. It was quite humorous. But then everyone noticed the harness kind of riding up on Dave. Then everyone noticed, yes, his Balls.

So we are all laughing like crazy, along with tourists -- parents, children grandparents, all laughing together. Everyone knew what the joke was, but no one was really saying it out loud, because some of the little kids might not have understood. Until my friend Matt, through a fit of laughter yells out, "LOOK AT HIS BALLS!!!"

FYI, I am cracking up as I write this. You really have to know Matt to understand.

Anyway, that starts everyone at Fisherman's Wharf off and the entire place is laughing at Dave's Balls. The best part is that Dave has no idea. He thinks he just looks kind of funny, you know, because he is wearing funny pants and a funny shirt. Little does he know, his Balls have become the two most popular tourist attractions on San Francisco.

They should have made t-shirts to rival Alcatraz.

"I survived Alcatraz, but Dave's Balls rendered me blind."

"Someone I know went to San Francisco and saw gigantic Balls, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt."

Dave should start his own line of teabags. Get it? Ha.

So anyway, that is the story behind Dave and his Balls.

Here is a picture of our entire group.

From left to right, that's Look at His Balls Matt, in the yellow goggles is Robbie, the retarded looking narc is Rich, then his wife Cori, that's me in the hat (I dressed up as if I was in my seventies, not as though it was the 1970s), then you have Dave's wife, Alyssa, and then there's Dave. I believe at this point his Balls were doing blow on the dance floor.

All material © Mike Toole; 2003 - 2006