Blogging Like I've Never Blogged Before

MIKE TOOLE'S WORLD CUP SURVIVAL* GUIDE (for 2010)

Since we Americans aren't so much into the soccer (foreigners call it "basketball"), I thought I'd help you out with a few tips for when you are watching the action at your local bar (or "pub" which is what foreigners call it).

- Whenever there is a lull in the match, yell out, "Bend it like Beckham!" Yell this at least seven times per half.

- If someone kicks a ball wide or if it gets saved, say to someone nearby like you know what you are talking about, "He should have bent it like Beckham," or "I think Beckham would have bent that. Kind of like this." Then do an impression of a ball being bent.

- All conversation should revolve around Beckham bending it.

* These survival tips will surely get you killed.

So I did really try to get World Cup fever. I asked Europeans to cough on me in hopes of getting said fever, but I merely got a chill. Maybe a little headache. Some matches were very exciting and fun to watch, but it's hard for me to get behind a sport where the ULTIMATE CHAMPIONSHIP OF THE FUCKING WORLD is decided by something as ridiculous as penalty kicks. I can make a penalty kick against a world class goalie, I am sure of that. It's a guessing game. Guy goes to kick ball, goalie guesses which way to dive, guy kicks ball almost always into the net, goalie shakes head. They might as well decide the championship by playing Guess Which Hand The Marble Is In.

Or arm wrestling. I'd watch that. Or the referee should just say, "OK, I'm thinking of a number..."

Anything other than penalty kicks. Maybe a head butting contest. France would win. I can't imagine a situation where I would want to head butt someone. Other than my girlfriend while we sleep. But that is the only situation.