Blogging Like I've Never Blogged Before

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

I've been having insanely vivid dreams lately. The dreams where once I wake up, ten things will happen to me where I'm like, "Holy shit, that was in my dream last night."

So I had this dream last night where I was arguing with someone and I came up with this line:

That's like loving women's volleyball, but hating lesbians.

I don't recall what context this was in, but I love the line. If anyone can somehow work this into a conversation some time soon, I'd appreciate it. Once I write a book, I'm sure that will be the name of a chapter.

Chapter 6: That's like loving women's volleyball, but hating lesbians.

I also had a dream with The Golden Girls in it. Specifically Blanche crying. Again, I don't recall the context, but Bea Arthur was yelling at her. Such a bitch! That show is fucking funny, which I'm sure you all know. I was watching it today before work and here was my favorite sequence:

Blanche (looking out the window): Oh, how I do love the rain. It
reminds me of my first kiss.

Dorothy: Aw, your first kiss was in the rain?

Blanche: No, the shower.

Slutty old chicks are great. Hey! I think I just wrote the title for Chapter 7.

So Sarah B. (who is on one of those lame fucking "blogging breaks"... I would never do that) recently commented after I posted about my chocolate fixation (which has thankfully passed quite quickly... I'm back to beer, potato chips and sleeping pills) that I should change the name of my blog to "Mike Toole: Almost A Lady." I think this might be a good idea, especially since I now watch the Golden Girls and Ellen before I go to work.

I think I might change the name of this blog. It's time, right? Any suggestions? Going in Sarah's direction, I came up with this one:

Mike Toole: His penis will kind of remind you of a vagina!

That might be too much. Someone always likes to remind me how much I use the word "vagina". It's true. I do love using the word. The name of my fantasy baseball team this year is The Sexy Vaginas. I want to win the league, because we actually have a cup that gets engraved with the winner's team name. I want to have a video camera when I go to the place and ask them to engrave this cup with "2005 - The Sexy Vaginas".

Here's a funny story. When my kid sister was in high school, she was diagnosed with Lyme disease. I know, hilarious right? That's not even the best part.

One of the side effects of the disease is mood swings. So there were some crazy days where Laurie was just plain crazy. Whenever she got nuts, we would always say, "It's not her, it's the tick." She was crazy pre-tick, but we gave her the benefit of the doubt.

Anyway, I somehow started calling her "Lyme disease idiot". You know, normal big brother type stuff. So one day I see on the back of Frosted Flakes or Rice Krispies an offer for personalized pencils. I saved up five proofs-of-purchase and a couple of bucks and mailed away to either Tony the Tiger or Snap, Crackle and Pop. What did I request on my personalized pencils? LYME DISEASE IDIOT, of course.

Four to six weeks went by. I had wanted to get them in time for Christmas. So I assumed that the people in charge of making the pencils objected. It was offensive or something. I had pretty much forgotten I ever ordered them, when one day, I hear a scream from downstairs: MICHAEL!

I ran out to see my sister looking at all six or eight of her new pencils that proudly displayed the fact that she was an idiot with Lyme disease. She eventually laughed and I think still has one somewhere buried among her childhood keepsakes.

I'm pretty sure it was the greatest thing I have ever done as a brother.
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