At the bottom of ESPN's top headlines this morning was this one: Swimsuit model survives tsunami; toll at 60,000.

I'm not even sure where to start talking about that one, but I don't think I have to.

Here are three questions from Big Stupid Tommy.

1. I've got a guy who I believe is hosing me on an Ebay Auction, giving me that "it's lost in the mail" action. Should I:

A.) Believe him, and wait patiently for my auction crap?

B.) Start sending him disturbing things (i.e. roadkill, or all my hair) in the mail to let him know I mean business?

or

C.) Just go to his house in Nebraska and forcefully take the Bob Newhart record album I won for $2?

I think you should combine B & C. Show up at his house with all of your hair shaved off, glue it to the head of some roadkill like a toupee (an animal that's not so hairy, so it's even funnier), and demand you get your Bob Newhart record. I think it's worth the troubles.

My friend Greg is a big Ebay guy so I will defer this question to him, assuming he reads this post. So Greg, if you do read this, please let me know what Tommy should do.

2.) What trend among America's youth disturbs you the most?

Young girls that look up to and aspire to be skanks like Paris Hilton or Britney Spears. And their taste in music. It's pretty fucking awful.

3.) Do you think Denver Pyle would appreciate the movie remake of Dukes of Hazzard? And as a follow up, can you think of a funnier actor name than Denver Pyle?

I think if he was able to get some royalties, he would like the movie. I'm sure he'd like the inspired casting of Jessica Simpson as Daisy Duke. And yes, I can think of a funnier actor name. That would be Rider Strong from Boy Meets World.


Here are three more questions from a fella named Mike, who blogs over here.

(1) What is your favorite Simpsons episode?

This is like trying to pick my favorite child. The one that always pops into my head first is the monorail episode. It is a great episode, a classic, but is it truly my favorite? I don't know. One that I think is a perfect episode is the one where Bart sells his soul. It is funny, smart and it tugs at the heartstrings a bit (at the end where Lisa buys Bart's soul back for him). It deals with a pretty heavy subject, but doesn't get preachy one way or the other. I think it might be my favorite. But that could change as I work my way through every DVD. I am also probably in the minority of Simpsons fans when I say that I love episodes about Lisa. Lisa Goes to Washington, the one where she becomes a vegetarian and Lisa Lionheart (Lionheart Lisa?) are three of my favorites. Oh, and don't forget where she becomes Little Miss Springfield.

Here is my favorite exchange from the soul episode, after Bart doesn't laugh at Itchy and Scratchy.

Bart: I know that's funny, but I'm just not laughing.

Lisa: Pablo Neruda said "Laughter is the language of the soul."

Bart: I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.

(2) The Scott Peterson interview was genius. What celebs do you have lined up for interviews in the new year?

Thank you. Although genius is a strong word. Maybe brilliant or mind-bogglingly incredible would have been a better description.

Since he was the last celebrity I interviewed, I'd have to say none. Maybe I'll do a follow-up with Mr. Peterson. I would like to really call him and use the voice that Cameron uses in Ferris Bueller's Day Off and say, "Peterson? Pardon my French, but you're an asshole!"

Speaking of assholes...

(3) Why is Doug such an asshole?

Because he is from Texas, he likes the Cowboys and he supports Bush. Ha! (And the Christmas tree is dying.)

The reason this is funny, folks, is because Mike, the guy who emailed me, is all of those things (except I know not of his Christmas tree's fate).

So keep emailing me questions, everyone. Maybe I'll call you an asshole!