Blogging Like I've Never Blogged Before

Sunday, August 08, 2010

So today at work, I'm taking a wee, and I hear someone talking in the stalls. Apparently, someone was on the phone. All I heard was him saying, "Oh, you know, kicking ass and taking names." He said it pretty quietly at first, so I guess whoever he was talking to asked him to repeat himself. Again, a bit louder, he said, "Kicking ass and taking names." So I said, "And taking shits. Don't forget the shits part. You're kicking ass, taking names, and taking shits. And talking on your phone in the stall. Which is really gross."

I didn't really say that. I didn't recognize the voice, so now I am just worried that this guy is going to kick my ass and take my name. I'm going to go all Braveheart on him though, and be like, "You can kick my ass, but you will never take my NAME!"


I was at this downtown festival in Cleveland over the weekend. There was a clown there. Her name was Sparkles the Clown. She was a large, large clown. And she just sat on the ground and the kids had to come to her. She would then paint their faces. But she did not stand at any point. I'm guessing she was at least 300 pounds. She will soon be changing her name to Shut-In the Clown. She will paint your face. With mashed potatoes and gravy.


So I've decided to not drink for the month of August. The main reasoning was because I sprained a muscle in my back. And the instructions said to "limit alcohol." So I thought it was a good reason to just cut it out altogether. And you know what? It's pretty damn good.

Granted, it has only been ten days, but I thought about this the other day, and I can't remember ten days in a row of being in Cleveland where I didn't have a drink. There's been baseball games, football Sundays, wine and movie nights, wine and no movie nights, whiskey and staring at the wall nights, tequila and bum fight nights, Jagermeister and throw up as soon as you can nights, grain alcohol and driving through bad neighborhood nights, and many more.

Someone at work the other day said to me, "Why aren't you drinking? You're like twice as funny when you're drunk." That was upsetting to me, because I think I'm at least thrice as funny. I also remember a while ago someone was linking to my blog, and they wrote something like, "This guy is so funny. Every weekend he gets drunk and then he writes about it." Oh, good. So that's my legacy. Please, please, whoever gives the eulogy at my funeral, I already have it written for you:

He was - arguably - thrice as funny when he was drunk. Every weekend he would get drunk. And then he would write about it. We'll miss his blog.

Anyway, don't worry. Come September, I will be drunk as shit. In case you aren't aware, shit is drunk.

Also, I wrote this tweet today while sober. I thought it was pretty funny.
All material © Mike Toole; 2003 - 2006