Blogging Like I've Never Blogged Before

Monday, July 19, 2010

I need to post this before people forget all about Mel Gibson.

OK, I assume everyone knows the story about good old Mel, but this is specific to his line, "You should just fucking smile, and BLOW ME!!" Nice fella. Anyway.

So the other day on the Twitter, I tweeted a tweety where I tweeted what I thought was my tweetiest tweet of all time. It was:

Quick impression of Mel Gibson if he were a piece of carry-on baggage: "You should just step out of the fucking aisle, and STOW ME!"

So I was thinking, this shit is about to get re-tweeted top tweet style! And then... nothing. I mean, come on, people! I rhymed "smile" with "aisle." That was inspired.

So anyway, I spent the rest of my day coming up with other ways Mel Gibson would say that line if he were other things. But I didn't want to waste them on my Twitter followers, since clearly they're all a bunch of assholes. I decided to save them for my blog which no one reads anymore. So without further adieu, I present to you What Mel Gibson Would Say if He Were Other Things (sung to the tune of "You should fucking smile and blow me").

Mel Gibson as a canoe in Africa: You should put me in the fucking Nile, and ROW ME!!

Mel Gibson as a fingernail: Put away your fucking nail file, and GROW ME!!

Mel Gibson as a an offensive Asian stereotype: You should just fucking smire, and BROW ME!!

Mel Gibson as a pedophile's penis: Show me a fucking child, and GROW ME!!

OK, so I used "grow" twice, but it's not easy to come up with these. I mean, it's easy to come up with some things that rhyme, but two that make sense together are tough. I was really disappointed I couldn't come up with anything for "MARGARET CHO ME!!" Special thanks to Dave Lozo for brainstorming over gchat.

Anyway, what else? I watched this movie, The Cove. It won the Oscar for Best Documentary. It's all about slaughtering dolphins. It was pretty amazing. I gave it four stars on Netflix, even though I feel like as a film, I should have given it five. But Netflix takes that to mean you "love" something. But I don't much care for dolphins being murdered, so it seemed weird to "love"it. So I went with four stars, which means I just "really like" watching dolphin bloodbaths.

Anyway, see the movie. Unless you really like murdering dolphins. Then it's probably like a conservative watching a Michael Moore movie. Because it's decidedly anti-dolphin murder.

I just realized I gave Dear Zachary five stars, which is also a sad movie, but I did love it. What?! You haven't seen Dear Zachary? Well, rent it. And if you don't cry, you have no soul and you should get a job as a dolphin murderer. Add it to your queue and watch it. Don't read too much about it. That's all.

I was going to blog about LeBron a while ago, but everything has already been said now. And you know what? Cleveland is still standing. It's like it never happened. Tough people, these Clevelanders. Granted, it's just sports, but they sure aren't good at getting good news with sports. Here is what Cleveland sports is like, if Cleveland sports was a patient in a doctor's office:

Cleveland, I have some bad news. You have cancer. And your cancer has AIDS. And the AIDS you have is the early 80s kind of AIDS where everyone will be scared of you because you're gay, not the Magic Johnson blood transfusion, "Oh I totally forgot he has AIDS" kind of AIDS. You're Tom Hanks in Philadelphia kind of AIDS, only you're in Cleveland, and you're not Tom Hanks. You're the other guy from Bosom Buddies. And Bruce Springsteen didn't write the theme song to your movie. Jimmy Buffett did. And it's mocking AIDS. And people sing it at the beach.

But you know what? Cleveland keeps on keepin' on, ready for the next big disappointment. You know what people started doing minutes after LeBron announced he was going to Miami? They started chanting "Here we go Brownies, here we go." And the Browns suck! But they love them so.

Anyway, that's all I have for you. Go Browns, I guess.
All material © Mike Toole; 2003 - 2006