I like to think I would have been better off in olden times, but I probably would have fallen into the "easy to murder" category of people. I bring no specific skills to the table. And you know people were getting murdered left and right back then with no repercussions. I'd be all, "Hm, I don't think I know how to sail a ship. I also am not good at building things with my hands. I'm not much of a scavenger, either. I don't like blood. Maybe you guys want to read my journal? I have some fairly humorous observations about life and how you guys don't properly dispose of your feces!" I'd be dead in no time. Some dudes would bash my brains in, call a doctor, and he'd be like, "Oh, yeah, his head is all bludgeoned? That's syphilis!"

I am not even sure which "olden times" I am talking about. In my head, I think it's when the first settlers got to the southern tip of Manhattan and set up shop there.

I get this common complaint from folks: You're so quiet at work, but on your blog, you're so different.

For a while, I've thought about this and it has bothered me. I wonder why I am so quiet at work. Granted, I take my job seriously. I tend to be too uptight at times, I'm sure. But why can't I be a little more easy going? Then it hit me. READ MY BLOG. I talk about things that are very not appropriate for work. You can't really tell AIDS jokes these days. Everything I think about is fucked up. I hate when people are like, "Man, I have some crazy thoughts about things! I am crazy!" Because most of the time, they are not crazy. It's the "What's the deal with airplane food" kind of crazy. So I will just say that I am inappropriate.

So, if everyone wants me to be more "blog Mike" at work, just remember that that will include jokes in the following categories:

terminal diseases
pedophilia
bodily functions most people don't talk about with co-workers
me being murdered: olden times style!

And many more!