I was in Philadelphia phor work a phew weeks ago. I was with a bunch of pholks (ok, last one) walking onto the subway. We walked down the stairs and there was a homeless guy standing across the platform (well, I assume he was homeless... if he wasn't, I doubt he pays his rent on time). Anyway, as soon as we all got to the bottom of the stairs, this guy yells out to us, "You want a fucking jelly donut?!" He then tosses a jelly donut in our general direction. At least, I assume it was a jelly donut. It was in a wrapper and didn't make it to the platform and fell on the tracks, but I don't see any motivation for him to lie about the contents of the donut.

I guess saying, "You want a fucking chocolate frosted donut with jimmies?!" doesn't have the same ring to it. They call sprinkles "jimmies" in Philly.

Anyway, it was an awesome thing to hear, because I was with about ten people I work with, so now whenever we get donuts at work, I can go up to one of them with a jelly donut and say all nonchalant, "You want a fucking jelly donut?"

I miss crazy shit like that. There are plenty of homeless people in Cleveland, but none of them are crazy and fun. There is one guy that kind of looks like that crazy homeless guy you always see in Union Square. The one who kind of looks like he should be in Funkadelic. He always has a dress on or something and always seems to be going somewhere, but you only see him in Union Square. Anyway, there is a poorer man's version of that guy here. But he isn't as cool.

The homeless people here are just panhandlers. Nothing else to offer. No street performers, no funny signs, no oral surgery on the N train. All they want here is your money. A few weeks ago some guy tried to pull the, "Excuse me sir, I lost my wallet and I just need a dollar fifty for the bus." I cut him off and said, "No you didn't." Seriously, who falls for that anymore? Take this dollar fifty for the bus and that amateur shit back to Homeless School (I'm not sure what stop that is).

I never would have thought that one of the top things I'd miss about New York would be crazy homeless people. Shit just doesn't happen out here in Cleve. My commute to work in New York was eventful almost every day. Here, not so much. Granted, it's a fifteen minute walk, but it'd be nice if something happened. I'm sure I'll get mugged tonight. Perhaps once it stops snowing, people will start going outside to throw jelly donuts at each other or pull their teeth out. You know, because they got cavities from the fucking jelly donuts.