I have these new Hanes boxer briefs, which annoy me for two reasons.

1) Every time I wear them, I get that jingle stuck in my head that goes, "Look who we've got our Hanes on now." And it makes me think of that dumbass commercial with Michael Jordan and Kevin Bacon. Jordan, by the way, is totally goaltending. Anyway, the commercial really annoys me because of the jingle and what the hell are Michael Jordan and Kevin Bacon doing hanging out? And is Jordan that much of a dick with all his free time, he just swats things out of the air?

2) There is no pee hole. How do you make boxers for men without a pee hole? I thought maybe they were boxers for women or something, so I double checked, but they are designed for men. Men without penises, apparently. Maybe it's just some new campaign to make men more sensitive.

Hanes Sitters: For the man who likes to pee sitting down.

My brother-in-law recently had a co-worker die in the office. Heart attack or something. They were on a conference call and he heard him drop in the next cubicle.

If you work with me and I ever die on a conference call, please drag my body outside and shoot me. Throw me in front of a bus. I don't care. Just kill me again, but outside of the office. The last thing I want to hear in my life is something like, "Well, it's in the pipeline, and we plan on rolling it out..." And my last words would probably be, "This is Mike Toole. I am here."

That would blow. I'd rather them be something like, "The sun does seem awful low today. And fast." So yes. I would prefer to get hit by the sun, than die on a conference call.

You know what commercial is way worse but way more entertaining than the Hanes commercial? This one for Vermont Teddy Bear. Holy crap, just watch it. They sort of equate the bear to a penis. The girl gets it and loves it and one of her co-workers says, "It's so much bigger than I thought." Then one of them says, "I could just kiss it and kiss it." So all the dudes in the office are now looking over and are like, "Hey, what's all this whoring going on?"

So then those dudes get online to order their teddy bear because they like boners too, and they need to send a bear to their lady so their lady will get all hot and horny over the thought of a stuffed bear. One guy even realizes one of the bears and he share a heart tattoo that says "love"! So he thinks to himself, Perfect! It's like me, but in bear form! Then he says, "The bear and I are so alike, I hope she blows me and not the bear!"

OK, that's a lie, but while watching this on youtube, I noticed one more thing to make this commercial even more sex driven then it already is. Check out how much the bear costs...



69, bro! The price of love!

Of course at the end of the commercial, the girl says all sexily, "I can't wait to give him my surprise."

Somebody's getting laid, dude.

Actually, I bet most guys who are lame enough to get a Vermont Teddy Bear for their gal on Valentine's Day probably are getting laid. I would guess that it's going to be pity sex, because the girl is going to dump him after she gets her shitty bear, so she figures she'll give the pathetic turd one more romp before she breaks his heart and his heart tattoo.

I kind of want to call the bear expert and see what she can offer. "I want something that will remind my girlfriend of me, but you know, it's a bear. Like every once in a while, I take a giant stinky shit. Bears take giant stinky shits, right? Do you have a Giant Stinky Shit Bear? OK, I'll take two."