When I was in Texas, I happened upon a conversation between a female bartender, a male patron who was a friend of the bartender, and a female patron who knew neither. The dude patron apparently said something to the lady patron about how she must work out, because she seemed to have a bodybuilder body. She said she appreciated the compliment, but that she barely works out. They chatted a little more and she left.

So now the dude and the bartender are there talking and the bartender says, "I am glad you said something. I was going to say something about her body, but I didn't want her to get the wrong idea, like I was coming on to her." So then the guy says, "Yeah, you can't be too careful these days." I really like the "these days" part of it, because it leads me to believe gay people just got to Texas not too long ago, perhaps March.

So then they say a few more things, and then the bartender lets out a little chuckle and a long sigh and she says, "I am so homophobic." I wish you could hear the way I mean to say this. It didn't sound hateful at all, but it was just something she had no control over. It was along the lines as if someone at work sighed and then said, "I am so tired."

Anyway, it made me laugh.

There is this section of a block kind of near where I live that I like to call Dog Shit and Broken Glass Alley. I call it this because there is always dog shit and broken glass. I don't think it technically is an alley, though. Anyway, there is always both. Never just dog shit and never just broken glass. Always dog shit and always broken glass. Sometimes, due to shitty parking in Hoboken, I have to park here, which makes me nervous. I assume my window will be broken and I assume I am going to step in dog shit. When the mirror on my car was broken, I was a few blocks away from Dog Shit and Broken Glass Alley. You know what? This whole stupid town should just be called Dog Shit and Broken Glass Town.

And Saturday Night Asshole town. Saturday nights here are just awful. So many dudes with greasy hair and hatred for using the top three to four buttons on their shirts. The main street in Hoboken is called Washington Street, and you don't want to be anywhere near it on a weekend eve. I call it the Running of the Assholes.

I really like my town.

If Robin Williams was ever the president of the United States, like the premise of this new movie, I would forever be known as "Mike Toole, the Guy Who Assassinated President Williams."

Everyone would be like, "John Wilkes Booth. What an asshole for killing Lincoln!" And "Lee Harvey Oswald. I doubt he acted alone in killing JFK, but still... what an asshole!" But for me they would say, "Michael Roger Toole. I kind of saw his point!"

Hey, my friend Matt is traveling all over Asia and he has a super awesome blog about it right here. He just posted some fantastic pics that will make you want to quit your job tomorrow and go catch up with him and be like, "Hey Matt. My name is ______ and I just read Mike Toole's blog and he showed me your blog and then I realized I hated my job and wanted to do something cool so I quit and decided to meet up with you because I think elephants are awesome too."

Well, another birthday has come and gone, and still, somehow, not one of you motherfuckers bought me a banana guard.

What I find most surprising about the Banana Guard web site is in the Frequently Asked Questions section. Perhaps it's just an oversight, but nowhere is the question, which I must assume is the most frequently asked, "Wait, seriously?"

Good day, sirs.