So I was in Texas this past weekend visiting Abilene, the hometown of my lady. I messed with Texas, despite all of the warnings not to. No one could stop me.

That's a lie. I messed with very little. There was not much to mess with. Tons of fat people, but they have been messed with enough, so I let them be. Good Lord, there are a lot of fat people in Texas.

And just so you know, it is true that everything is bigger in Texas, including the open sores on the arm of the guy at the fair who prepared my "nachos" for me. Now, I'm no health inspector, but I would think you'd put the open sore guy at the House of Mirrors. I guess when it comes to carnies, you just go by how many open sores they have. I only saw one on this guy, so House of Mirrors guy must have been one big scab.

So yeah, the West Texas Fair and Rodeo was in town while I was there. I did not see any rodeo, but I got to ride some rides in Texas. I went on the Scrambler, but in Texas it was called the Titty Twister or something. Tania enjoyed it, but I was feeling kind of dizzy.

The best person from my trip, though, was this dude at Newark Airport. I was checking my bags curbside and I see this guy standing to my left. One of the check in guys is like, "Sir, I can help you over here." The guy just kind of stares and has a little wobble going on. He appears to be drunk. He will soon confirm this to be true. He tells the guy he doesn't think he needs help. Then the airport guy says, "Well, do you need to check in?"

"Yes I do," says the guy, and he stumbles on over. He slurs, "I just want you to know that my flight leaves at 11:20 and I have a six pack of beer with me. I am guessing that will be gone by 11:20." Uncomfortable laugh comes from airport guy. Oh, did I mention it is about 8:00 in the morning?

He says something like, "I need to be on the plane later." So the airport guy says to him, "Do you have a confirmation number?" He says he doesn't think so. The airport guy tells him he should have gotten one when he checked in online.

"Oh, wait. I do," he says. He throws his hand in front of the airport guy, palm open and starts reading from the palm. He has his confirmation number written on his hand. He then starts reading it off, and he must have been a military man or a truck driver because he starts saying, "Delta, Charlie, forty niner." And then my favorite part, for the last letter, he stops and looks directly at the guy and very dramatically says, "X-ray."

He then repeated it a few times just for good measure. He was enjoyable, but I am so glad he was not on my flight.

So, Texas. Hey, check it. The Ten Commandments were in my hotel lobby! So that's where they went!


Photo courtesy of Tania, because I was too chicken shit to take it in front of people that were there, and also in front of God, who thought I'd be poking fun. But Tania doesn't give a god damn about God. Oops! That was number three.

We went to this restaurant where longhorns just roam in the parking lot. This thing looks fake, but it is very real and very gigantic. At this steakhouse, it was kind of like a seafood place where you can choose your lobster. I picked this guy, so the waiter shot him. It was tasty.



Yee-ha!

UPDATE: Apparently there was a Simpsons episode where Mr. Burns goes to a restaurant where they shoot cows after you pick them out. I don't recall seeing that episode, but I am sure I have and it was buried in my subconscious. Just so you know, I am not knowingly ripping jokes off from the Simpsons. If I do, it is purely unintentional.