Blogging Like I've Never Blogged Before

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Apparently I am in a potty humor mood.

So when I went to Colorado with Tania last year, our relationship was still kind of new. Certain boundaries hadn't yet been crossed. But spend a week driving around together, and well, boundaries go out the window and into the mountain air.

On our second day in Colorado, we are about to go on a pretty long drive. My stomach, however, is in no condition to go on a long drive. I don't know what was wrong with me. It hurt like hell. I had never felt this kind of pain in my stomach before. I went to a supermarket and stood in front of the stomach remedies for about five minutes where nothing really seemed to describe my symptoms. I needed a drug that said, "For when you feel like you are about to give birth to an alien baby with spikes."

I went to the bathroom a few times, with no results. My friend Rich calls that balking. I balked.

I decided I would just suck it up and start driving. I think I bought some Tums or something. The problem with just driving is that we were about to head out on a drive through a place called Grand Mesa. I'd never been, but my guess was going to be that there wouldn't be many bathrooms along the way, just in case.

So we start driving, heading into the middle of nowhere, my contractions about 5 minutes apart.

I don't know if it was moving into the higher altitude, but the urge hit me to pass some gas. Now, at this point, I had not farted in front of Tania (at least none that she knew about). But I had no choice. It was silent, so I thought maybe I'd get away with it. But then I realized about .000000000001 seconds after I did it, that she would most definitely know about it, and she would know too much.

I've never smelled a fart so fast and so bad. It was horrendous. So right after it happened, I said to Tania, "Well, the good news is I feel better..."

And before I could even tell her the bad news, she got the bad news. She pretty much had her head out the window trying to suck in as much Colorado air as she could. She was laughing and gasping and not believing I was capable of such a thing. As we drove by, I think I saw trees dying and a couple of cows were like, "Oh dude, was that you?"

That's all.
All material © Mike Toole; 2003 - 2006