So this past Saturday I went to the Rangers game, where they absolutely dominated the Pittsboigh Penguins. It also happened to be my sister Laurie's birthday, so we celebrated her birthday, as well as my older sister Christina's birthday, which is on Wednesday.

And hey, look! Johnny Damon showed up for their birthdays!



Check out his fake tan and his carefully groomed 11:00 shadow. Also, check out the kid in the yellow shirt, who has a laser pointer for an eye, and is turning his head all the way around. He's a robot!

Damon was kind of a jerk. Everyone saw where he was sitting because they showed him on the big screen. He got lots of boos. So in between periods, all these kids lined up for an autograph, but Johnny would disappear for the entire intermission, then they'd kick the kids back to their seats, and ten minutes later Johnny would come back. Satisfied in the fact that he just spoiled the dreams of dozens of little kids.

I know how it feels. Two guys who I will always think are assholes are Phil Simms and Larry Csonka. Now that I think about it, I'll cut Simms a break. It was right after practice so he was probably really tired, but he gave this sort of look at me like, "Kid, I don't have time for this shit." I felt guilty for asking for the autograph.

But Larry Csonka was a total asshole. And you know where I saw him? At a taping of American Gladiators. My family was on vacation in California and at Universal Studios. They were giving away tickets to American Gladiators, so we were all over that shit.

He was just sitting there doing nothing. The show wasn't being taped yet, and Csonka's just sitting there staring at nothing. So I thought now was a perfect time to get an autograph. I mean, I already got one from Nitro and Lace, and they were really nice, so why wouldn't the Zonk be a nice guy?

He just grabbed my ticket (which was where I was getting the autographs) all grizzled -like, didn't even look up, signed it and handed it back. I was expecting him to say, "Stay in school" or "Just say no." Nothing. Total dick.

Looking back, he was probably just really pissed that he was a commentator on American Gladiators. Whatever, Zonk, I don't care. You are dead to me! Nitro and Lace, you are OK in my book. I also see that Lace turned to porn. Nice. She wrote "Big kiss" with a heart on my ticket stub. Pretty hot, right?

Oh, hey!!! I just took a gander in my box of ticket stubs to see if I still had the American Gladiators ticket, and check it out!!! Just in case you non-believers were like, "No way you ever met Nitro!" Here's the proof!



There on the upper left is Lace's slutty signature, then right above my thumb is Csonka's, but my favorite is Nitro. He reminds me of Steve Holt! from Arrested Development who just yells his own name all the time. Steve Holt! Nitro probably told people his name the same way he signed it. He'd be at a restaurant...

Hostess: Hi. How many?
Nitro: Two.
Hostess: Your name?
Nitro: Nitro!

And then he would challenge you to a joust! To the death!

I also just noticed that Lace didn't draw a heart, but she did give me the old "XX". She was just one X away from porn. It's like she knew what was just around the corner for her.

Anyway, here is Darius Kasparitis slamming Sidney Crosby's head into the boards.



And here are the Rangers, who now gather at center ice after every home win and do their little thank you to the fans. I like that. Good sports.



Oh Tiki Barber was also at the game, and he got a standing ovation. Take note, Johnny. Tiki is a classy guy that you can't hate. You've got a long way to go, pretty boy.