Phil Mickelson may not have won the green jacket in this weekend's Masters, but he's got something no one else on the PGA Tour has:

The sweetest set of fella tits you'll ever see.



Seriously, that guy has got a problem with his titties. I noticed it during last year's Masters when he was walking down the fairway and he was humbly acknowledging the cheers, yet all I saw was his boobs.

So let that be a lesson to you ladies. Guys will stare at boobs no matter who owns them.

But they are more enjoyable on the ladies. When they are on a dude like Phil, it's kind of like, "Dude, he has tits, right? Look at 'em. They're all floppy."

I went to the Mets home opener today. Good times. We won! I was on very little sleep after working my last day of the overnight. I didn't have a drop of beer at the game, yet I felt quite drunk. Little sleep will do that to you. And when you do drink... Hoo boy! One beer feels like three and three beers feels like a six pack and a few shots of whiskey. It's awesome. I'm going to try and get less and less sleep for the rest of my life.

I went by me lonesome and sat next to an older guy who was also flying solo. He was a nice guy from Long Island. We talked baseball. At one point I was going to ask him what he did for a living. But I decided to not do that, because here were the scenarios I imagined:

Scenario 1

Me: So what you do?

Guy: I manage an Applebee's out in Massapequa.

Me: Oh yeah? Eatin' good in the neighborhood, right? Yeah, pretty good place.

Then he'd go on about lots of Applebee's facts that I don't care to know.

Scenario 2

Me: So what you do?

Guy: Oh, um, well, you know babies?

Me: Yeah.

Guy: I eat them.


So now you see why we just talked about Pedro and the Mets. He was a psycho!

Not really, but he coulda been.

Here is a photo from my seat. Contrary to what that view would have you believe, my seat was not on a blimp.



You know what annoys me about baseball fans? A fucking shitload. But I hate when everyone is exiting and then people start to chant. We were all crammed at the exits, and some drunk started yelling "Let's go Mets! Let's go Mets!"

Dude, the game is over. The Mets already went.

I also hate the "Yankees suck" chant. Why? Because they don't suck. The chant is a lie. I hate the Yankees, but I know they don't suck. I tried to start my own chant, but it didn't work.

"I am not fond of the Yankees, but I respect the talent on that team!"

The funniest part of today's game was when the advertisement on the "batter's eye" got stuck, which delayed the game for 15 minutes. Here's a photo. They showed Pedro in the dugout and he was loving it. When he saw himself on the Jumbotron, he started waving and dancing like a little kid. Dude was made for this town. I am excited that he is on my favorite team. And that he is on my fantasy team, The Sexy Vaginas. As another guy in my league said recently, this could be the year of the vagina.

It's about damn time. The Vaginas are due.

This post, with its vaginas and titties and boobs, is really going to up the dirties to my site who are searching for porn.