Blogging Like I've Never Blogged Before

Friday, April 15, 2005

The other day there was some breaking news on the television because a bunch of cops were surrounding this guy's car in western NJ. He had recently kidnapped his six-month-old daughter and the mom. He also recently shot the mom's father in the leg. They had Chopper 2 over the scene. At one point, the reporter in the helicopter said, "We don't want to get too much of a close-up, because he is armed, and we don't want to show anything too graphic at this point."

OK, um, at this point? At what point does your producer give you the green light to get a Close-Up of the Carnage? Nothing happened, and I think the guy eventually gave up, but I was pissed because I was watching The Price is Right. Don't get between me and my Barker, fuckers. Unless my life is in danger, I don't care. How was that breaking news? What effect did it have on me? Shit. Nothing. Shit nothing.

I like that saying. Shit nothing. You've gotta say it fast. Please begin saying this.

Hey dude. What's going on?

Shit nothing.

I have tried to create two phrases in my life in the hopes that they catch on. Neither was very successful. The first was a euphemism for being drunk. Conquered.

Oh man, I was conquered last night.

The other was a bit more clever. You know when people say things like, "He's not the sharpest tool in the shed" or "He's a French fry short of a Happy Meal." That last one is kind of dumb, but I've heard my dad say it, so it must be somewhat common. Anyway, mine was "He's about half off the cover price." But I always felt that I would need to add after it, "... if you know what I mean." And that just made it seem kind of lame. But I liked it.

So, Saturday Night Live. Did you see the one last Saturday with Cameron Diaz? It was one of the most awful things that has ever come out of a television. There was this "sofa bed" sketch. If you saw it, I think we should go and get a beer and commiserate on how sick to our stomachs it made us feel.

If I ever met Lorne Michaels I would say to him, "Are you aware that there are many funny black people in this world, and you have none of them on your show?"

The two guys are horrendous. Kenan Thompson is only there to do his fairly crappy Al Sharpton impression, and every other character is a variation on that. He kind of bugs his eyes out a bit and does some sort of fast talking thing where his lips move but they don't say things. Or something. He sucks.

And the other guy is even worse. What's his name? Starts with an F. It's like "Fashion" or something. Hold on. Be right back.

Finesse! Finesse Mitchell. First of all, your first name is bullshit. Bullshit Mitchell. I can't even begin to describe his lack of funny. But I'll try.

Take Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle, Tracy Morgan, and then these guys in their prime -- Eddie Murphy, Richard Pryor, Bill Cosby. And what the hell, let's throw a Wayans brother in there. Damon in his prime. And just for good measure, someone shitty -- Sinbad. OK, take all of these guys and explode them to bits. OK, now at the crime scene where all these famous black comedians are in little bitty pieces, find the cop that is upset because this explosion of famous black comedians is making him stay late at work, and he's going to miss an episode of Yes, Dear.

Right, so take that guy, and explode him. Blow him up. Now, take the tiniest shred of flesh or bone you can find. Got it? OK, that piece of flesh or bone is funnier than Finesse Mitchell. Sorry. Bullshit Mitchell.

The only one worth saving on that show is Amy Poehler. She should have her own show. Oh, and she can bring Fred Armisen and Will Forte. I love his Tim Calhoun character.

I know what you're thinking. But what about Tina Fey? Nope, sorry, she's done. She is after all, the head writer, and the writing has been shit. And aside from her decent delivery on Weekend Update, she's got not much else to offer.

Oh, as far as black people go, I guess Maya Rudolph is kind of black. She can sometimes be pretty funny, but her schtick gets old. But she's funnier than Fat Albert and Bullshit Mitchell combined.

So that's how I feel about SNL right now. It's horrible. It makes me angry. But perhaps I'm just angry that I was at home on a Saturday night when I should be out doing things. You know, like chicks. Doing chicks. I gotta start doing more chicks, right fellas?!

Word up! Let's do some chicks!
All material © Mike Toole; 2003 - 2006