Hi. Where the hell have you been?

So this pope... old guy, right? We're going to be going through all this shit again in 7 years. That's my guess. I feel like the cardinals were probably talking the night before during dinner and were like, "This is nice. We should get together more often. It's always under the same circumstances, right? Weddings and funerals. Only never any weddings and only the pope's funeral." Then some cardinal was like, "Hey, you know if we vote for ol' Ratzy over there, we could be back here in no time. This ain't a bad deal. All expenses paid trip to Italy. I mean, fuck. Guy had a brain hemorrhage not long ago. One more American priest touches a kid the wrong way, the stress gives him a stroke, then it's Hello, Italia! for us."

Crafty cardinals.

I have nothing new to talk about. Hm. I got home the other day and almost had a heart attack because of the cleanliness of my apartment. Doug and (most importantly) Doug's girlfriend cleaned the entire place. Except my room. Could have at least changed my sheets. Anyway, I should buy her something nice. Lord only knows how many pubes she threw away. That's what anyone ever says about my apartment. My mom was here not long ago and she was like, "It's a nice place, but so many pubes. Do you need all those pubes?"

Doug also bought a new toilet seat, although I have my suspicions that he stole it from an old retired lady in Florida. It's got a picture of a windmill or something. I forget. Maybe it's a sand castle. Something. Anyway, better than our last one. He also got a shower curtain. It's a map of the world. So now when I poop, I can learn about geography. The other day I was done with my shit for 2 hours before I realized I'd been sitting there for so long. I just can't get over how big Greenland is!

Speaking of poop, this gal named Sheri, who doesn't recognize me without the mustache, recently left this comment, regarding the picture of President Bush:

i fucking fell off the toilet while reading that - i only hope his baby alien body squiggles away into some corner of the cabin so we can hunt it down and kill it proper.

At first I was like, "Oh shit! Sheri reads my blog on the toilet! That's awesome!" But then I realized she was probably reading the actual printed Onion publication. Unless she has a laptop all wirelessed up, then maybe she was.

Anyway, it got me thinking that the best place to read my blog is probably on the toilet. People don't laugh enough on the toilet. If everyone did read my blog while on the toilet, though, I'd be always listening to find out if they are laughing. Less farting, more laughing! Although farting is hilarious.

Here's a picture of me drunk in a Taco Bell trying to win a monkey. (I lost.)



Photo courtesy of Bill (at least, I hope he's courteous. I didn't ask if I could post this).