Blogging Like I've Never Blogged Before

Thursday, March 31, 2005

So, brown celery. That means it's bad, right? Just wanted to check. Thanks.

Man, I have gotten lazy. No wait. I already was lazy. So what have I become? I don't know, but I know that when I get home at midnight, I don't feel like doing squat. I keep telling myself that this apartment needs a good washin', but damn, you do some spring cleaning at 1:00 AM on a Tuesday. Not gonna happen.

At least when I worked in the morning, I could be like, "Well, I get up at 5 AM, so that's kind of productive." You know, I was an early snob. Now, I'm a guy that has to set my alarm to ensure that I'm out of my apartment by 12:30.

Twelve thirty!


I just took a crap in my kitchen sink because it was the closest thing with a drain. Now that's lazy! But because my sink is such mess, you wouldn't even notice. You'd just be like, "I guess these are some incredibly old eggs or something."

Anyway, what else? I feel like I've had much blog fodder over the last few days, but nothing sticks.

The other night I couldn't fall asleep and one of the things that was keeping me awake was wondering why LIVE STRONG bracelets are popular. Kudos to Lance Armstrong for coming up with the idea to get people to donate money for cancer research, but come on... it's kind of retarded. It annoys me that it takes something trendy and fashionable to get people to donate money. Same stuff with the AIDS ribbon craze of the mid-nineties. It's this "look at how much I care" kind of thing. Now I feel kind of gypped that I didn't get something for a tsunami donation. Where's my SWIM STRONGER necklace?

I don't know. Cynical me. I've been wearing a rubber band on my left wrist for the last few days. Why? That's none of your business. Maybe it's my silent tribute to those of us that suffer from dandruff. Maybe it says DON'T SCRATCH - IT WILL ONLY MAKE IT WORSE.

I feel bad for having negative feelings against something that is a positive, especially because cancer has ravaged a good part of my family and friends and continues to do so, but I sometimes want to ask people why they are wearing it. Do you wear it because you or someone close to you has had cancer or is it because you want people to see your yellow wrist and be like, "Hey, that motherfucker lives STRONG, y'all."

Do you know how many southerners I have argued with about the spelling of "y'all"? They often spell it "ya'll". This is how fucking stupid southerners are. They don't even know how to spell their own damn word. The idea of a contraction is that the apostrophe is replacing the missing letters. So of course, the contraction for "you all" would be "y'all" with the apostrophe replacing the o and the u. And I note that my scorn is coming from a region famous for saying "youse guys".

And I occasionally like my periods outside my quotes.

Here was something that happened to me in first grade, I believe. Wait, might have been later. I'm not sure, but let's just say it was first.

Mrs. Goodman: Michael, what is the contraction for "can not"?

Me: Can't.

Mrs. Goodman: Very good. And for "do not"?

Me: Don't.

Mrs. Goodman: Correct. And "will not"?

Me: Willn't.

Mrs. Goodman: (laughs) No. Anyone else?

Someone else: Won't.

Me: That's fucking bullshit! It should be willn't. What the fuck is won't? What ass did you just pull that word out of? Fuck this, I'm going home.

So I went home and I pulled a beer out of the fridge and I was like, "Dad, wake up. You know contractions, right? Well, why the good God damn is won't the contraction for will not? Shouldn't it be willn't? Yeah, but doesn't it make more sense for it to be willn't? I know I should still be in school, but I had to leave because the teacher laughed at me for saying willn't. Yeah, Mrs. Goodman. I got the beer out of the fridge, why? No, I will not put it back. You can't make me. I know I'm only in first grade, but I want me a fucking beer. No, I will not put the beer back and I will not stop cursing. I willn't I willn't I willn't!"

So part of that story was a lie. I'll leave that to you to figure out. But damn. Shit should be willn't.

Anyway, Mrs. Goodman got hers. She died of cancer. I suppose she didn't LIVE STRONG enough. This was pre-bracelet, so I guess we can cut her some slack.

Actually, Mrs. Goodman was awesome. I was on Romper Room when I was a kid and she let the whole class watch it. Yes, I was on Romper Room... that's probably why I look so familiar to you. I was the kid wearing a blue shirt. I think it had the number 7 on it. Possibly 11.

I should go. Gotta clean all this poop out of my sink.
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