Blogging Like I've Never Blogged Before

Friday, March 11, 2005

I know I promised you a story about crap, but I don't know if I'm feeling it right now. We'll see.

So my wisdom teeth. Are you sick of hearing about them yet? Tough poo. I feel like my dentist added a sweet tooth somewhere in my mouth. I've never been a big sweets guy, except for the occasional 65 cent Twix from the work vending machine. But lately, all I want is chocolate. So I'm either going through a phase or I'm turning into a woman. Or maybe turning into a woman is a phase. Either way, I've got lots of sugar in my bones.

The other day I was in a drug store to buy drugs, when all of the sudden I found myself buying a bunch of Mrs. Fields cookies. This shocked me, because I've never bought cookies. I also bought chocolate pudding, but that was wisdom teeth related. I felt pretty stupid going up to the clerk with all of this chocolate. I thought he was going to judge me and say something about how much sweet crap I was buying. While I was on line, I even played out a possible scenario in my head. And of course, here it is.

Clerk: Hiya.

Me: How you doing?

Clerk: All right. Got a lot of chocolate here, huh?

Me: Sorry? Oh. Oh yeah, the chocolate. I've got a sick daughter at home. You know, gotta be a good daddy and go get some sweets for her.

Clerk: Oh that's too bad. What does she have?

Me: Cancer. No, uh, flu. It's a ... cancer flu.

Clerk: My God.

Me: Well, no, I mean at first they thought it was cancer, because of uh, some weird symptoms... which were similar to cancer. Apparently.

Clerk: What possible symptoms could there be that would make a doctor mistake cancer for the flu?

Me: I'm not sure. I think a headache or something. I'm glad I spoke to you. Maybe I should get a new doctor.

Clerk: Sounds like a good idea. The total is $18.63.

Me: Here you go. Thanks.

So there you have it. Even in my possible scenarios, I'm an idiot. In none of the scenarios played out in my head (there was more than one) was the actual scenario, which probably happens 99 time out of ten, which is nothing. Nothing happened. Nothing ever does happen. Clerks don't care what you buy. They see it all. The other day I saw a guy buying nothing but Vaseline and a box of tissues. And it seemed like he didn't care what people thought about him, even though it seemed like he had a long night of jerking off ahead of him.

I once was buying some sleeping pills, and while on line I saw some beer that was pretty cheap. I almost picked it up, but then thought that would make me look like a horrible human. Sleeping pills and beer. Big night planned? Also, when I bought the sleeping pills, I told the clerk I didn't need a bag, which made it seem like I needed these pills now! (Although I am very much in favor of bag taxes.)

No point to this post, I suppose. I guess I've learned that I shouldn't give a shit about what I buy in a supermarket. Because there's always going to be a guy behind me with Vaseline, a box of tissues and a boner. Yes, that guy will always be behind me.
All material © Mike Toole; 2003 - 2006