Blogging Like I've Never Blogged Before

Friday, March 25, 2005

Hello. How are you, on this Goodest of Fridays?

I feel that I have to blog about that media hog down in Florida, Terry Schiavo. Especially because of this article which makes me feel I have to write about it. They say it is provoking a "blogging storm." That would be a decent name for a movie. The Blogging Storm.

Anyway, I wasn't following this case too much until the media made me fucking follow it. Let's just keep showing her kind of smiling face over and over and over and over. I feel like I can't add too much new to the debate. My personal feeling? Pull the tube. But I understand her parents holding out for a glimmer of hope. They are parents and they don't want their kid to die. What I don't understand are the people lining up outside holding vigils for this lady. Butt the fuck out. They are speaking for God, they say. Maybe God is saying, "Hey, can you pull that tube out? I've been trying to take her for ten years, but you keep feeding her. Lemme at her!"

So this got me thinking that I don't have a living will. If that ever happens to me, I would like to not be kept alive. Consider that my will. I would just feel terrible for my parents or my wife having to take care of me. It's not fair. Sure, it must be gut wrenching to make that decision, but just do it. But I do have one caveat: If Jeb Bush offers to take custody of me, then please let him!

How fun would that be? And I bet it would make a great sitcom. We'll call it Vegetative State Property. Play on words! That would be so fun to have Jeb Bush as my adoptive father. I would also like to be named after him. Jeb W. Bush Jr. The W. will stand for Wallerford. Whenever I get in trouble, he yells, Jeb Wallerford Bush! So you ask, How can you get in trouble if you are in a coma? Well, that's just it... I'm not really in a coma! He just thinks I am. When he turns his back or leaves me alone, I do zany stuff. That will be how TV critics describe this show: ZANY!

We'll also have a neighbor that knows my secret. He will be a precocious little black kid. He always comes in the house and says, "What up, Veg?" And when Jeb isn't in the room, I'll go "West Siiide!" because that's how I think black people talk. There will also be lessons on how I learn about black people and how they are not that different than white people, and the little black kid will learn many things about white people that are pretending to be in a coma.

So in conclusion: Brain damage is hilarious.
All material © Mike Toole; 2003 - 2006