Being that I have a longer commute than I used to, I read much more of the newspaper than ever before. So you'd think I'd maybe get the Times and try to look educated in the morning, but fuck that with its uneasiness to read ina ll its sections. I read the Daily News, so I don't look like a total idiot reading the Post.

Anyway, I thought I'd take you through a little bit of today's Daily News. My favorite story is about the neighbor... From Hell!

Here are two of the things he did while a resident at the London Terrace Towers in Chelsea (despite London and Chelsea being in the name, this is in New York... don't be confused):

* Roaming the halls half-naked.

* Having sex with a homeless man in the building's health club showers.

Ya! Holy moly. This guy blamed his behavior on misunderstandings and occasional bouts of sleepwalking. I had a roommate who used to sleepwalk. He once woke up and tried to hang up some posters that we hadn't hung up yet. I convinced him it would be a better idea to wait until the morning to do that. He agreed and fell back to sleep, horizontally. Here was our conversation the next day:

Me: You sleptwalk last night.

He: Shit, really? What'd I do?

Me: You wanted to hang up your posters, but I told you to put them down. You pretty much went right back to sleep.

He: Oh. Sorry about that.

Me: No problem.

Now imagine how much funnier it would have been if this was our conversation:

Me: You sleptwalk last night.

He: Shit, really? What'd I do?

Me: Fucked a homeless guy in the shower.

He: Oh. Sorry about that.

Me: No problem.

I also read some comics while I was on the train. I can't believe people still read comics. I used to when I was a kid, except for Doonesbury, and now if I ever read the comics, the only one I read is Doonesbury.

Anyway, I will share a few with you now and try to explain what they mean.

Here is today's Cathy.



What this comic is saying is that all women are fat and stupid.

Here is today's Marmaduke.



This is either scathing social commentary on how obsessed our society is on material items and/or media, or it's just another log on the crap heap that is Marmaduke. I'm going to go with log on the crap heap. Why isn't Marmaduke watching the TV with the rest of the dogs? I don't get that. And who is the one actually talking in this? You'd think it would be the lady who is on the side of the fence with Marmaduke, who I assume is the owner. But the old lady seems to be the one talking and pointing. I bet the creator of Marmaduke recycled this drawing and just put a new caption. Lazy shit. The old one probably said, "That's where Marmaduke gets all the other dogs to watch TV and then they get all horny and do their leg humpin'." You can see how horrified the owner is.

This next one is For Better or For Worse. I used to read this all the time as a kid, because it actually had story lines. It was like reading the easiest book ever. As you can see, they are still on the serious side.



Elizabeth is the daughter who I remember was a little younger than I was when I used to read it. She's got boobs now, and unfortunately, is taking after her mother. She's not very attractive. Maybe she should read Cathy and put herself on a diet. Then men will love her and she wouldn't feel like crying every time someone hugged her.

Enough comics.

Finally, on the back page is Carlos Beltran, the newest Met. As a Mets fan, I have no idea what to do with this news. I am used to them not signing guys like Pedro and Beltran. I'm confused. I am used to washed up guys who will disappoint. I'm excited. Reluctantly excited.

This morning when I walked above ground from the beneath, Jersey City did not smell like bacon, as New York used to (and probably still does, it's just that I can't smell it). It smelled like burnt marshmallows. Disgusting. I hate marshmallows, particularly when they're burnt. Stupid Jersey City and its mysterious smells.