Here's me: "Um, do you have that, um, Jessica Simpson perfume?"

Here's them: (chuckle) "Uuuuh, no."

My older sister recently added the Jessica Simpson perfume to her Christmas list. I figured that'd be an easy thing to get, once I got past the awkwardness of asking for it. So I was in a mall and I checked a few places, none of which carried it, but they all thought I was a douche for asking for it. So since I couldn't find it, I just got her the Ashlee Simpson deodorant.

I went up to the Macy's at 34th Street, which was a mistake. The whole area was nuts. I'm not good at math, but I'm sure this equation is correct:

Rush Hour + Christmas Shoppers + Tourists = Me Considering a Gun Purchase.

Fortunately, they don't sell those at Macy's. I got frustrated with shopping amongst crowds and pissed at myself for not shopping earlier, so I decided to go into the least crowded store and purchase gift certificates for everyone. I don't want to say what I got, because my sisters read the blog, but I'll give you a hint. I wrote a song for this Christmas called, "It's Gonna be a Payless ShoeSource Kinda Christmas!"

I also considered buying my mom and my sisters some stuff from Victoria's Secret. I realized that Christmas hasn't been all that interesting the last few years, so I might as well make this one the most awkward Christmas ever. Next year, my dad could get drunk, knock the tree over, set me on fire and then fuck a reindeer, but it still wouldn't compare to when Michael bought mom crotchless panties.

That last paragraph contains two of the worst visuals I could imagine. Luckily, I am not imagining them, and I put that up there just to upset my sisters.

I don't listen to the radio or watch anything on MTV, except for the Real World, yet somehow I've had that Snoop Dogg song where he says, "Drop it like it's hawwwt" stuck in my head for two weeks.

OK, so. This lady who stole the baby. How would you like to be the public defender that got her case? Is there a "This Is Totally Fucked Up" defense?

It was odd how in the beginning they issued an Amber Alert for the fetus. I would think that would have been unnecessary, because it seems most people would call 911 if they spotted a fetus. If Doug brought a fetus home, I think I'd notice.

"Hey Doug. Thanks for taking out the trash yesterday. There was something else I wanted to ask you, but I can't remember what it was. Oh! That fetus that's in the kitchen? Has that always been there? I noticed some amniotic fluid in the sink, so I'm assuming you know about it."

I normally don't get into these bizarre crimes that sweep the nation, but I can't stop reading about this one. I hope Yahoo never stops posting headlines about it. Even when there is nothing to report, they should just have a headline that says, "Hey, remember that time when the lady killed the other lady and stole her fetus? Fucked up, right?"

I hope there is some sort of follow up story years from now so we can see how the kid is doing. Like, how does her father tell her about what happened? He probably won't even get a chance to do it. The kid will probably Google herself and freak out. Damn.

Damn. And she was found by her mother! Holy God. Every element of this is horrible. I always thought that if I ever died before my time, the last person I'd want finding me dead is my mother. She would obviously freak out and be scarred for the rest of her life. Just standing there in her crotchless panties over my dead body.

Am I making everyone else uncomfortable now?

Why is it that the pretty ones are always the craziest?