Today as I walked to lunch, a gust of wind blew something into my eye. It was one of those things where you're like, "Oh, I just got something in my eye. I will now blink ferociously, maybe rub it a bit, and all will be forgotten."

Whatever got into my eye, had no intention of leaving, and thought that perhaps, a good place to nest would be beneath my eyelid.

I've never had something in my eye for so long, and hurt so bad. Come on baby, make it hurt so bad. My eye was red, my eye was crying, my eye was wondering what hit it.

I often hide my injuries. I don't like to complain. I once slept on a collapsed lung because I didn't want to wake up my mother. But this eye occurrence was obvious. My soop took me out for a lunch because I care about customers. She was concerned for my eye.

She: Are you going to be OK?

Me: (blinking, reddening, tearing and poking) Yeah, it's fine.

She: You're sure?

Me: No. Yeah. Don't worry. It's cool.

She: Maybe you should try to flush it out again.

Me: No, really it's fine. (long pause... eye hurts more than ever.) I'll be right back.

So I go into this bathroom, where lots of disco music is playing. I made three trips to the bathroom in about 30 minutes. I couldn't see anything in my eye, and whatever it was, it wouldn't come out. So first I listened to Flashlight by Parliament, as I rubbed and blinked. Then I listened to that song that goes "At the car wash..." It is probably called "Car Wash." Then there was one more song on my last trip. A song I didn't know.

Whatever was in my eye, I could feel at the very top of my lid. It was trying to get into my brain. So I started fucking with my eyelid, rubbing it a lot. After a while, I pulled it back, and stuck my thumb so far in my eye, to a place I never thought possible. It was kind of creepy, painful, disgusting, enlightening, and most of all, enthralling, because whatever I did, I got that mysterious piece of nothing away from my ball of eye.

The second half of my lunch was great, because I wasn't blinking every .5 seconds and I wasn't tearing. But most importantly, I am still able to participate in the Staring Contest Championship this Friday. I hope you all come out and support me, especially after my most frightening ordeal.

So I think the moral of this story is, Remember to vote this Election Day. Big Brother is watching you.