Blogging Like I've Never Blogged Before

Thursday, October 28, 2004

I feel like I had a lot to say about the Red Sox last night, and I thought I'd remember it all today, but the only thing I can recall is thinking, "So, um, Johnny Damon is kind of retarded, right?" That guy has to be one of the worst interviews ever. I understand you just won the World Series, but at least try and put a complete sentence together.

Anyway, seems like a nice guy. I mean, he must be. Ever met a retard who's a dick? Didn't think so. Congrats to Boston and congrats to all of the fans. Way to lose your identity. Now it's all Cubs.

So where was all the rioting last night? Very disappointed in you, Beantown. I recall when the Rangers won the Stanley Cup after 54 years (only nineteen of which I was alive for), I celebrated with my friends, gave hugs and high fives, then said, "Well, this is all well and good, but what I really want to do is overturn a parked vehicle. For that is the only way to truly show how much I love this hockey team."

I almost said this at work today, which would have been an accident: "This sucks. I think for lunch I'm going to go to Flashdancers and bust a nut."

Mike, please report to the HR Department immediately. Mike, to HR.

Aaahhh, Flashdancers. It is a strip club on the same block that I work. That is one hell of a web site they've got. What with the music and a spinning globe and stars. I've never been inside the place, but it looks pretty swank. They've got a doorman and everything.

Speaking of globes and stars, that eclipse last night was shit. Granted, I only watched it for a minute, because how long can you stare at the moon without getting a little bored? And then I remembered that there is going to be another one in 2007 (weather permitting), so I figured I could wait another three years to see the moon get covered by a fucking shadow. I like the solar eclipses. I remember one from third grade and I was so fucking scared that I was going to accidentally look at it without that protective device we made, and my eyes would explode. I think it ended up being cloudy that day. Aren't we due for one? I don't remember any others. Maybe there were but I just stayed inside with my sunglasses on, having third grade flashbacks.

Soooo... What else is going on? Not much, huh? That election is right around the corner. I am excited for that to be over, no matter who wins. At least we can get back to focusing on the Scott Peterson trial. By the way, that dude is so going to be found not guilty. I was reading something the other day about evidence they had against him, which is almost nothing. "Well, he had a girlfriend, and uh, he said something in an interview with Diane Sawyer that didn't really match up with he told us. And he had that goatee. You know, a real evil looking one. Like the devil. You know how the devil has a goatee? Kinda like that. Here's a picture of the devil. It's on this little candy box of Red Hots. That was just like Scott's. His wasn't as black or as pointy, but uhhh.... Aw fuck it. Scott, you're free to go."

I'm not saying the dude is innocent, but they've got shit.

Who fucking cares?


Hmmmm. Recently, Doug's alarm went off. He uses his CD player as an alarm. The song that started playing was Johnny Cash singing "Hurt". Talk about a real pick-me-up to start off your day. For breakfast he had a large bowl of tears, followed by a stack of Shoot Me In The Face.

Well, that made no sense.

Sure didn't.

Perhaps this should end.


OK... now!

No wait! Now I remember something else from last night's game. That douche from Creed singing God Bless America. Holy crap, that was awful. I think I heard Uncle Sam say, "One way ticket to France, please. These fucks just don't get it anymore." Good Lord. He should have grabbed his crotch and spat, that way, people would have been like, "Oh! He was being ironic, just like Roseanne. Now I get it." They also introduced him as a Grammy award winner. If that doesn't make you want to return your Grammy from whence it came, I don't know what would. "And now, ladies and gentlmen, to honor the men and women in the Armed Forces protecting our freedom here and abroad by singing God Bless America, please welcome Grammy award winning, shit eating, God sucking, vomit inducing, ear cancer causing, it's that shithead from Creed."
All material © Mike Toole; 2003 - 2006