I just did something I swore I would never do. I dropped my laundry off at the laundromat and left it there for them to do. When I pick it up, I will pay them for it and say "Thank you." To tell you why I thought I'd never do this, I will conduct an interview with myself.

INTERVIEW WITH MIKE TOOLE AND WHY HE THOUGHT HE'D NEVER HAVE SOMEONE ELSE DO HIS LAUNDRY

by mike toole

So Mike, why did you swear you would never do this?

Good question. I just always thought it was lazy.

But Mike, you are one of that laziest people I know.

True, true. But laundry is probably the only household chore I am good at. My mother taught me how to do my own laundry at a pretty young age (as far as laundry is concerned).

What age was that?

I'm not exactly sure, but it was probably when I was in eighth or ninth grade. I didn't know many other kids that did their own laundry. Someone would be like, "Aww, man, my sheets are all dirty! Guess I'll have to wait for my mom to wash them before I can sleep." And I'd be all, "Fuck that! I'll wash your fuckin' sheets!" They'd be like, "You can do that?" And I'd be all, "Fuck yeah, I can do that. Now where's your moms keep the fucking Tide?!"

You had quite a mouth on you.

I might be paraphrasing.

So how do you feel now that you dropped your laundry off?

I'm a little nervous. I'm afraid they'll shrink something or lose something. I also feel kind of weird about someone else messing with my underwear. And I'm a little embarrassed about some of the boxer shorts I own.

Like?

Well, remember that Grinch movie with Jim Carrey?

Yes.

I think it is the worst movie of all time.

What does this have to do with under--

Let me finish.

Sorry.

So, I was out at a bar once with my sister and a friend of hers, and the friend said she liked the movie. Well, I went kind of nuts, explaining why it was awful and why it should be banned from the planet. My sister said she never saw me so passionate over something. She also told me later that her friend said I kind of ruined the movie for her.

You showed her the light?

I suppose. Anyway, this was right before Christmas, so what does my sister buy me for Christmas? Grinch boxers. They are these purple sort of boxers with the Grinch all over them, and they look kind of silly. I never thought I'd wear them, but of course, being that I'm all lazy, whenever I get down to that last pair, there's the Grinch who stole Christmas staring back at me. So now, some dude or lady is probably laughing uncontrollably at my underwear and showing it off to the entire laundromat.

You really think that's happening? Like, they've never seen something like that before?

I don't know. I suppose not. But it's like when a parent drops off their kid at school for the first time. You worry about every little thing.

You are comparing your underwear and socks to someone's offspring.

Yes.

That's fucking stupid.

True.

Ok then.

Sooo, the interview is over?

I guess.

Unless you have anything else to add.

Wasn't I the one asking the questions?

I don't know. I forget who is who.

Shouldn't it be whom is whom?

What? No way. Is it? I don't know.

I think they should get rid of the word "whom", you know? No one ever really uses it, and when they do, it still sounds like it might be wrong.

Maybe you should start a campaign to end it.

Nah.

Why not?

Fucking lazy.

Good point. Me too. I'm going to take a nap.

Wait up. I'll join you.