This past Friday, my wonderful sister Christina married a fella named Tom. I am now the proud owner of a brand new brother-in-law. I finally have the sibling in my family who can beat the shit out of me.

I once told both of my sisters that I probably wouldn't be able to do much for them in the event they are wronged by their boyfriends. Christina was dating Tom, who can bench press trucks, and my other sister Laurie, was dating a Marine who was capable of killing me with his eyelashes. She has since broken up with him and is dating someone new, who is not trained by the military. I think it would be a good fight. He'd probably win, but I think I could hold my own for a little bit.

The only way I would be confident in defending their honor is if one of them dated a baby. I could totally beat the shit out of babies.

Anyway, the wedding was a blast. A blast? I just said "a blast." I'm surprised. So Happy Days of me. Anyway, I danced and drank and sweated a lot. I did shed one tear when Laurie gave her little Maid of Honor speech. Good times. It's the first wedding where I had a tear come out. I got a little emotional at Rick's wedding and also Rich's wedding, but I had been drinking a lot all week, so I was too dehydrated to cry. I probably would have cried vodka. People could have done shots. "Make him cry! That shit is pure!"

When my dad saw me crying, he was like, "Gay! I knew it! You're gay! Pussy!"

One of my favorite lines of the weekend was from Uncle Hank, who said this when he heard a Rod Stewart song: "He's got a faggy voice."

Anyway, Happy Wedding to Christina and Tom, who are now in Hawaii on a moonful of honey.