I'm watching the opening ceremonies for the Olympics right now and I must admit they are pretty amazing. As I sit here and watch the beauty, take in the splendor, lose my head in fantasies of being an Olympian, and listen to Katie Couric and Bob Costas describe each and every scene, there is one thought that keeps running through my mind.

Shut the fuck up!

Good Lord, these two are terrible. "And this is meant to symbolize Man's blah blah blah blah blah blah lame joke here."

So annoying. It was like watching a movie with people talking behind you. This isn't the fucking Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. The creators of this show didn't design it with you in mind. It is supposed to be watched and heard with what they are giving us. If I wanted to know the symbolism behind every damn thing, I would have Googled "symbolism of opening ceremonies greece big boobs".

Anyway, here are some random thoughts.

I got a little uncomfortable when that lady and man (who were to symbolize love, according to Katie) started to dry hump. It didn't really follow the kid in the boat so well. "Now, here is a nine-year-old boy on a paper boat. Oh, and here are two hot people fucking each other."

How cool were some of those floats?

France got Rick James to carry their flag.

How often do you think the fellas from the United Arab Emirates have been searched on their trip so far? "No, I swear, this gun is for my sport. My event is shooting. Oh, the pipe bomb? Um, well. Ah, yes, that is a new event. Pipe bombing. And then we swim a mile and ride a bike. It's a new triathalon."

Allen Iverson go home! What an asshole. He barely looked up. He was nice enough to give his little backwards peace sign or whatever it is. Makes me mad. And they kept showing him. Show Tim Duncan! Show someone else who is rarely on TV! Show the hot Venezuelans and Brazilians again!

That was a fine reception for the American athletes. Glad they weren't booed. Nice job, Greece. We thank you. Except for Mr. Iverson. He doesn't thank shit.

Spain is hot. Damn. These are some of the hottest lady athletes I've ever seen. Is there a new event I don't know about? The 500 Yard Dash of Pretty Ladies? Synchronized Hot Pieces of Ass?

Non-Olympic thought: Someone got to my site today by searching, "My Grandpa saw my boner". I can offer no assistance. Although, he doesn't really seem to be searching for help. I think he's just letting people know via a Yahoo search.

The introduction and reception for the Iraqis gave me chills. That was cool. And they all have sideburns. I could totally be an Iraqi.

Holy crap! Canada is hot! I totally want to party with those ladies. Oh, Canada!

I feel bad for the random countries that are towards the end of the Parade of Nations. In the beginning, everyone's all excited and they go nuts for everyone. Angola! Yaayayayayayay!! WoOWOWOOWOOWOOOOO!!! (One hour later) Micronesia! Clap. Cough. Clapclap.

So I guess I've got Olympic fever now. Or maybe it's just a slight cough. Whatever it is, kudos! to Greece on a fine opening night. And you suck! to Bob, Katie and Allen. Yankees go home! No wait, we don't want you back here. So, um, go somewhere else. Yankees go to the United Arab Emirates! Or no, go keep that one guy from the British Virgin Islands company. He was all by himself carrying his flag. He seemed lonely. Go chat with him, Katie. Tell him about the symbolism of dry humping.