Blogging Like I've Never Blogged Before

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

So this lady, who is a friend of my aunt, goes up to my mom at my grandfather's funeral and says, "You poor thing. Now you have no one."

My mother, somewhat taken aback by such a silly comment says, "Well, I guess I'm now an orphan."

Good one, mom.

Who the hell says that? Yes, you poor thing. All you have left are your three kids, your husband, two brothers, lots of friends, a cat... OK, so maybe not the cat anymore. But sheesh.

Funerals and wakes are weird. No one ever really knows what to say. I think there needs to be a new word invented for people offering condolences. Saying "I'm sorry" is kind of weird. You are not responisble. I never like saying that to people and I never really know what to say back, because I feel that saying "Thank you" is also an odd response.

"I'm sorry."

"Thank you."

Doesn't make sense. I would much prefer:

"Dude, sucks about your _______."

"Yeah, no shit."

But definitely not, "Now you have no one." I think on the list of sensitive things to say at a funeral, that one ranks quite low.

Anyway. Another funny thing I remembered my grandfather saying was back during the election of 2000 when we still didn't know who our president was going to be. I asked him, "What do you think about this whole election thing? Pretty crazy, huh?" He looked at me, shrugged, and said, "What am I going to do? Fight City Hall?"

I guess once you get past 90, you're allowed to not give a shit about the world anymore. Another topic of conversation was how amazing it is that he lived for twelve years after his wife died. Usually, when you are that old, it's only a matter of a year or so before the spouse dies. My grandmother was quite a whirlwind. My theory was that grandpa just needed some alone time.

In other news, my friend Jay had a party on Friday night. He is back from Iraq, alive and well which was a good cause to celebrate. He informed me that Iraqis love anal sex and kiddie porn. The sex thing is because of the religious ramifications of having real sex before you are married. Anal is apparently a loophole. And as far as the kiddie porn, I really can't help you out there. But now that there is freedom and a democracy, kiddie porn is all the rage.

Thank you, President Bush! Let freedom ring!

In other other news, is Rick Santorum the biggest douchebag in all the land? I'm pretty sure he is. Read this quote regarding gay marriage:

"I would argue that the future of our country hangs in the balance because the future of marriage hangs in the balance," said Sen. Rick Santorum, a leader in the fight to approve the measure. "Isn't that the ultimate homeland security, standing up and defending marriage?"

I don't know. Is that the ultimate homeland security? Could a gay marriage ban have prevented 9/11? Perhaps the passengers on the hijacked planes would have said, "Hey, I know we may regret doing this, but whaddaya say we attack these terrorists? If we don't do it for our families and to save the lives of thousands, let's do it in the name of gay marriage! Anti gay marriage of course!"

Stupid gay terrorists.
All material © Mike Toole; 2003 - 2006