Blogging Like I've Never Blogged Before

Friday, July 09, 2004

Remember those writing tests you used to have to take in elementary school? I speak of the ones where the teacher would read about ten sentences (one at a time), and you'd have to write down each sentence.

For example, she might say, "The dog can't fit in the car, so someone will have to watch him when we go on vacation." Simple sentences and they just want to make sure you have basic writing skills.

My third grade teacher, Mrs. Swanek was an old miserable little woman. She gave us a lot of these tests. When she was absent, her daughter, Miss Swanek, would often be the substitute. She wasn't the smartest lady in the world, if you know what I mean. She wasn't all there, if you know what I mean. She was half off the cover price, if you know what I mean. She was kind of retarded, if you know what I mean.

So one day she was giving us this test. Sentences 1 through 5 were standard sentences. Nothing out of the ordinary. Then question Number Six came and changed my world forever. I remember to this day that it was Number Six.

Here was sentence Number Six:

6. Go shake Dick and wake him up.

Giggles ensue. I'm kind of surprised now that we understood the hilarity in that sentence. All of the sentences were repeated once during the test, so again, Miss Swanek said, "Go shake Dick and wake him up." Someone (one of the boys) said, "Can you repeat that?"

Go shake Dick and wake him up.

Someone else raises their hand. "Can you repeat that again?"

Go shake Dick and wake him up.

We finally moved on to number 7. At the end of the test, Miss Swanek asked, "Do you need me to repeat any of the sentences?"

Two boys immediately said, "Number Six."

Go shake Dick and wake him up.

Then another asked.

Go shake Dick and wake him up.

She never really caught on. But she was thinking we were a bunch of idiots. It was probably the easiest sentence on the test. She started to get kind of condescending and upset that we couldn't grasp this one simple sentence.

Go shake Dick and wake him up.

Finally, little Jessica Henderson said, "You don't have to keep saying it. They're just being disgusting."

I don't think Miss Swanek knew what was disgusting about it. But man, that was some funny shit. Sometimes I miss third grade.

Go shake Dick and wake him up.
All material © Mike Toole; 2003 - 2006