This ain't your grandma's DVD player. Oh no wait. I suppose it's perfect for your grandmother.

LOS ANGELES (Hollywood Reporter) - Wal-Mart is selling the world's first DVD player that can seamlessly skip over violence, swearing, nudity and other potentially offensive movie content. The $79 unit features technology by ClearPlay and is manufactured by Thomson Inc. under its RCA brand.

"Hmmm. I liked Kill Bill, but I was surprised it was only five minutes long."

This is ridiculous. I understand parental controls on TVs, but come on. If you are letting your child watch a DVD, you already HAVE control over it. If your kid sneaks some porno or a horribly violent movie, that's just part of growing up. Soon they will be adding in scenes that cover up the naughtiness. Instead of kids seeing Bruce Willis shoot a guy, the scene will be replaced with a picture of Jesus sliding down a rainbow into a strawberry patch.

When I was a kid I was at my friend Albie's house (what a great name). He was the kid that I hung out with that my parents said I shouldn't hang out with. He was my bad influence. Anyway, he got a copy of The Exorcist and we decided to watch it. Somewhere between Linda Blair masturbating with the crucifix and the projectile vomiting, we realized there was a reason we weren't supposed to be watching this. I think we stopped watching it half way through and went out and rode our bikes. It was much healthier. We then went back to his house and watched some ridiculous 80s teen movie because there were two scenes with about 18 seconds of boobs. It was a great film.

My point is that kids have been exposed to lots of horrors and boobs and cursing over many eons. And no matter how hard you try, kids will find those things. One time, my friend Joe and I found a pornographic magazine that catered to men that liked fat chicks. We found it in a bush. Kids find porn. That's what we do. Just teach your kids that raping and killing are bad. I should write a book.