Along with 80 percent of New York's population, I thought I'd go to Central Park on Saturday. 'Twas a beautiful day. I was there having a catch with a couple of fellas. We were able to find a patch of land unoccupied by too many people, but it wasn't the most ideal place to have a catch with a baseball. But it did the job.

At one point, a father and his two kids decided to start kicking around a soccer ball right behind me. Great. Now I've got to catch every ball coming at me, or else I've got blood on my hands. One of the kids is this cute little two-year-old girl smiling like an idiot kicking the ball. I get a ball thrown to me, it's in the dirt and it skips by me. Now, it looks like a laser-guided baseball making it's way right towards little Sally (that's what I named her). Of course, I can't do anything. The ball is going way faster than me and stupid little Sally is just standing there kicking a ball that's almost as big as she is. I can't yell at her to tell her to move. Shouting "Hey two-year-old, heads up!" would probably not work.

So the ball zooms right behind her little legs and just misses her. She, still kicking the soccer ball and still smiling like a dumb little kid without a care in the world. She's OK.

After that, there was another ball that was overthrown and went near her. Not as close as the other one, but dangerous enough where if I was a father I would realize the danger and move to a more kid-friendly area in the park. But apparently Sally's father is stupider than she is, despite the many more years he's had on this planet. He decides to stay there. Soon after, Sally wanders right in between us having a catch, perhaps wanting to play Monkey in the Middle, smiling like a goon. Her father is not even paying attention. He finally looks over and calls her back. I wanted to pick her up and start running. I'd run with her for about ten feet, then put her down and turn to the father and say, "I'm only fucking with you, but something like that is what could happen. Keep an eye on your kids, ya dumb fuck." Except I wouldn't have used such coarse language in front of little Sally.

I really should write that child care book I mentioned the other day.

Chapter One - So you're a parent? Try to stop being such a fucking dolt.

Chaper Two - Baseballs hurt when they hit two-year-olds in the head.