I began my morning off with an apple. Nice start. Then I had some Sun Chips from the vending machine. OK, not that great, but not terrible. For lunch I had McDonald's followed by a Twix.

I'm not weight conscious, but I've noticed the lack of nutrition in my diet. I shouldn't pull a muscle when I tie my shoe, which is obviously also related to my lack of exercise. Maybe I have a tapeworm, because I think I should be on the portly side. I don't eat well, I drink too much, and I exercise rarely.

I should have noticed this earlier. A couple of years ago, I pulled a muscle while throwing up due to a hangover. My body might as well have been saying, "Hello, Mr. Asshole? This is your wake up call."

If anyone would like to volunteer to be my nutritionist, please let me know.