"Hi. I'm Liv Tyler and I'd like to bring this Oscar telecast to a screeching halt by talking in a weird sedated type voice that's not my own, and by introducing two bland Alison Krauss songs from an equally bland movie."

Sorry. I like Alison Krauss but those songs did nothing for me, except induce a couple of yawns. The whole show was pretty yawneriffic.

I didn't even see Cold Mountain, but it looks boring. Come on. It's about a mountain. And it's cold. Isn't that it?

Billy Crystal should be funnier. Anise and I agree that he is the only man who gives a shit about Pete Rose. Not funny.

Whale Rider was robbed. I'm just saying that because that was the only movie with a best actress nominee that I saw. But I'm telling you, that kid can act. I have no interest in seeing Monster. I'm sure she does a fine job, but all I really needed to see was the poster and I was like, "Yeah, she looks like she does a pretty good job." And we all know they were basically just rewarding Charlize for her previous work that was overlooked, like Mighty Joe Young.

A few years back, there was a sketch on Mr. Show where they created an awards show specifically for people playing retarded characters and everyone won an award. Pretty actresses gaining weight or looking ugly is the new retarded.

Now, if someone really pretty can just gain some weight AND play a retard. Well, good God. Give that lady a Nobel.

Will Ferrell and Jack Black were funny. The only funnier thing was the end of the Bob Hope tribute where they showed a clip of him from a couple of years ago standing up and waving to the crowd, but it looked like it was from this year. He's alive!

I was glad to see Sean Penn win. To me, that was an IOU from Dead Man Walking. His WMD joke was weak. It was like he felt like he had to say something. Tim Robbins is great. He just seems like a nice guy. I bumped into him once at a Rangers game, soon after I saw Shawshank, and he said "Sorry, excuse me." I realized it was him and I was just like, "I abblla, doolip fleedo somefrund." I meant to say, "Sorry, my fault. Oh, wow! You were great in Shawshank. I was one of the seven people who saw it before it got nominated."

I always thought I'd act all cool when meeting a celebrity. Turns out, no. Except for Coolio. I think he was more excited to meet me.

Anyway, in conclusion, the Oscars were pretty boring. I long for the days of Janet Jackson's boob.