My best Valentine's Day was actually a couple of days after a Valentine's Day. And it had nothing at all to do with romance.

I was in college and I had a roommate who got stoned a lot. I might have mentioned him before here, but I'm not sure. Anyway, when I say "a lot", I mean "every minute of every day." He loved his weed. He'd wake up, get high. Come home, get high. Go to class. Get high. One semester he was a student teacher at a middle school. I was waiting for him to come home with an eleven-year-old and be like, "I totally made a bong out of this kid."

Anyway, because he smoked all of the time, me and my other two roommates would often smoke along with him. I've never been a huge fan of marijuana, but when I lived with these guys, it was fun. One night, we were sitting around, high, playing cards. It was probably two days after Valentine's Day, and one of my roommates said, "Mike, did you see that package from your sister?" I didn't know what he was talking about, but a few days earlier I apparently got a box from my sister, Laurie. She is someone who believes that Valentine's Day should be a national holiday. A fool for love. I could care less about the day, but she likes to spread the love around.

So I open this package and in it was a big box of Nerds. The candy. Not actual nerds. That'd be a weird package and it would shed a whole new light on my sister. Anyway, I hadn't had Nerds in years, and neither had my roommates. Keep in mind, we are now high and most likely drunk. I've never been so excited to see candy. We all flipped out. My stoner roommate, Owens, was like, "Yo, bro! Nerds. Fuck. I love these, bro." They tasted so good. My sister was a god that night. The God of Valentine's Day candy.

That's all I can remember about Valentine's Day. Oh, and there was one time when I was eighteen and stupid where I didn't get my mom anything, and my dad called me up and said, "If you don't get your mother any flowers, I'm going to break your neck."

Flowers gotten. Neck still intact.

On a sidenote, Owens used to talk in his sleep. One time he started to sing the Baby Back Ribs song from Chili's. It was a stirring rendition. He must have had some serious munchies.

Anyway, happy Valentine's Day! Wear a rubber! Nothing says Romance like "Hey, baby. I'm HIV Negative."